


Holy Tears

by nbbucky



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Norse Religion & Lore, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Deaf Clint Barton, Dream Sex, Dreams vs. Reality, Everyone is worrying about Clint's wellbeing, Face-Fucking, First Time Blow Jobs, Lap Sex, M/M, Natasha's a worrywart, Nightmares, Nipple Play, Oral Fixation, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Over the Knee, POV Clint Barton, POV Frigga, POV Loki (Marvel), POV Natasha Romanov, Past Clint Barton/Bobbi Morse, Past Sigyn/Loki - Freeform, Politics, Porn With Plot, Post-Avengers (2012), Post-Thor: The Dark World, Prayer, Religion Kink, Rimming, Sadist Loki, Spanking, Tender Sex, Therapy, Thor's a worrywart, dad Loki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2018-11-22 00:35:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 56,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11368905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nbbucky/pseuds/nbbucky
Summary: Clint Barton is starting to think there is something seriously wrong with him. Actually, ‘starting to think’ is the wrong phrase. There is absolutely something wrong with Clint.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is going to take place after The Avengers and stay canon complaint till Thor: The Dark World. So Clint's family, Bucky, etc won't be in this just as a heads up. Also, I'm going to try and update this once a week.

Clint Barton had _never_ been religious not at all. He had a fuzzy memory, like looking through broken and foggy glasses, of his mother wearing a cross. Clint always frowned to himself when he remembered it because it always brought questions forward he could never answer. Was she incredibly religious? Did she go to church? Did she take Clint and Barney with her to church? Simple, silly, innocent questions like that were what haunted him the most about never being able to know his mother. Because he truly _never knew her_. Barney had known her a bit better just because he was older and could remember much more but Clint didn’t have even close to a clue as the where his older brother was. Plus Clint would rather not draw Barney’s attention to Clint’s rather stable living conditions. Clint doubted Barney would even remember if he could get a hold of him. Barney hadn’t been super religious either so why would he remember, out of all the things he needs to remember if his mom took him to church. It would be a waste of time. Just like Clint dwelling on his mother was a waste of his time.

 

So Clint wasn’t religious, he never had the need. He had made his own way, God or angels or whatever had not done it for him.

 

But then he found Loki for the first time. It wasn't part of the spell, he could thank Selvig for that tidbit. It wasn't part of the spell but he had wanted to worship at the altar of Loki more than anything else. He had never desired anything more than to kneel or crouch or sit in front of someone so much more powerful and impressive than he. It wasn't part of the spell so Loki didn't seem to notice or at least pretended not to notice. At first. At first, Loki spoke to him, concise orders and no physical contact. But the night before Loki left for Stuttgart he had seemed different. Remorseful. Clint hadn't understood and still didn't understand what he had done that night.

 

*

Loki and Clint had gone over the plan for the umpteenth time that night and Clint was beyond exhausted. Drained and tired but still he sat straight and vigilant because Loki had not yet ordered him to relax. Loki looked awful, not _ugly_ if anything Clint would have said Loki was the most handsome person he had ever had the pleasure to lay his eyes on _but_ Loki was tired too. And dirty, they both needed rest and Loki needed a shower.

 

Loki sighed and shut his eyes and Clint wondered if he was going to fall asleep at the table. He hadn't been given permission to speak so he didn't ask if Loki was tired even though he wanted to.

 

Loki opened his eyes, glanced up at Clint and spoke, “Let us adjourn for now. I'm sure you're exhausted, Barton,”

 

Clint didn't speak and Loki chuckled, “You may speak,”

 

“I’ll be fine, boss. Really, I'm more worried about you. Do you get tired or hungry?”

 

“You’re speaking rather out of turn. Aren't you, Barton? Your concern is adorable but misplaced. I asked you if you are well and you answered, that will be all,” Loki stood and nearly fell over.

 

“Sir!”

 

Loki frowned and looked over at Clint, “This rest and food of which you seemed so eager to provide for me, where would you receive it from?”

 

Clint made a face, “I have a cot that you can sleep on and some granola bars. I'm realizing now as I say this that you deserve a thousand times better so I'll figure it out, sir, I swear,”

 

“No, what you've spoken of sounds adequate for the night. I wish to retire so do lead the way,”

 

“Wait, shit, wait I can find better stuff we don't have to-”

 

“Barton, enough. I will be fine. Lead the way,”

 

Clint walked ahead out of the meeting room through the main space to the tiny room he had staked a claim on.

 

“This is it, sir. I'm sorry,”

 

Loki smiled at him and Clint thought he might actually cry, Loki was so beautiful and he was happy, maybe...hopefully, with whatever Clint had just said and so Clint’s heart felt light, “Barton, you have nothing to apologize for. And your eagerness to please is...pleasant. You make me feel like God,”

 

“You are God, my God at least,” Clint said it like a revelation, he really hadn't truly realized it until that precise moment.

 

Loki’s face crumpled, “Perhaps I should rest somewhere else. Barton, rest. And before you try to speak up, that was an order,”

 

“No,” Clint said and even looking back he was surprised he was able to speak out of turn, “What did I do? Sir, you're my God and I want to please you so let me know what I did wrong,”

 

You were so happy with me a moment ago, Clint thought, let’s go back to you smiling at me.

 

Loki looked beyond surprised that Clint spoke back to him and didn't speak. Clint thought of the speech Loki had prepared and recited to Clint over and over and acted on it. He kneeled in front of Loki, bowed his head and whispered, “please.”

 

Loki looked at Clint in silence and Clint couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking.

 

“Barton, I will find somewhere else to rest for the night. You will rest here and neither of us will ever speak of this night,”

 

Loki strode away looked back at Clint, still kneeling on the floor, and murmured, “You will live to regret this night. However, do not let the shame overtake you. Now, rest,”

 

And He exited the room.

*

That was the last conversation Clint had had with Loki. The final words Loki had said still haunted him. He didn't regret anything he did that night except not trying harder to get Loki to stay. But Loki was right about the shame. Clint was overcome with it whenever he thought about Loki, which meant he was nearly constantly being devoured with shame. It had gotten worse when on Clint's worse days he would pray to Him, just ramble into the darkness of his bedroom. He would recount the whole day, feel better about being able to vent even though he knew no one was listening and then go to bed. Some days he swore Loki could hear him and made the day after Clint prayed a lot more manageable.

 

Clint had even taken to doing it when he was out on missions, never as loudly and he never said His name but all the same.

 

He looked down at his hands and let the shame, that Loki had foretold, consume him in light of a recent event.

 

*

The mission was messy and bloody, not everyone in the room with Clint was gonna make it out alive. Clint had made peace with that but he wanted to pray to Loki one last time in case _he_ died. So he sat in the dirty hole in the ground with five other agents and clasped his hands together to pray. It had actually taken him quite some time to perfect his method and form, if anyone knew enough about his habit to ask him, he would say he were proud of how far he’d come from the first time. That had been a bad day, although since the Manhattan attack bad days were a more common occurrence. The second time he had submitted himself to Loki, the first time he prayed, the first time he submitted without the spell at all, Clint had been in an awful place.

 

He was trusted as much as he could be by the higher ups after such an incident but his equals held a barely restrained contempt and subordinates couldn’t even look him in the eye for fear of him. And it was on another dirty, grimy, awful mission that an underling left Agent Barton to die, Clint could see it in the kid’s eyes, it wasn’t like anyone was going to miss him. In the hospital the night after the ordeal the words had flown out as he had shook and cried and wished with all his might for Loki to be alive and to come back for him.

 

But during his most recent mission he kneeled down with his hands clasped together and just as he started he heard one of the other agents.

 

“Agent Barton, are you fucking praying?”

 

“What the fuck does it matter to you, kid?”

 

“No disrespect, sir….actually can I join you?”

 

Before Clint could say ‘no’ all five of them had gotten close to have Clint lead them in prayer. And that was what really got Clint, he prayed aloud and remained vague, of course, but all of their prayers were still directed at Loki. And all the agents around him had blasphemed because of him.

*

So yeah, being brainwashed by Loki fucking ruined his life, just not in the usual way. Sometimes he envied Selvig, good old normal ‘crazy’, the type of crazy you bought at Walmart or Target not the type you had to have special ordered from a local seller of organic crazy like Clint’s.

 

Clint felt guilty but he still prayed and with each prayer he worried more and more about Loki’s state. Could Loki hear him? Was Loki alive? Clint hoped He was. Was He being tortured? Clint wasn't sure how to get answers without seeming completely compromised though and he valued his job too much to risk it.

 

And then he devised a plan.

*

“Hey we need to talk,” Clint shouted in the main room of Avengers tower. Everyone looked up and Clint clarified, “Thor, I need to talk to you.” He stood and left the room into an empty hallway and prayed that Thor would follow.

 

“What is it, my friend?”

 

“I'm not gonna beat around the bush,” He took a deep breath, “I-” Clint couldn't find it in himself to ask to see Him again, so instead he inhaled, decided to go on with his original plan and said, “Your brother….what're they doing to him back home?”

 

“Friend….”

 

“Just tell me,” Thor was trying to spare Clint’s feelings which probably meant Loki’s punishment wasn't as bad as it could get on Asgard. What Thor hadn't realized, to Clint’s relief, was that Clint wanted Loki to be okay.

 

“My brother is imprisoned in Asgard’s most secure dungeons and will stay so until the end of his days,”

 

Clint nodded and walked away, breathless with relief. Loki was okay. Not that that should be important to Clint, he could never see or talk to Loki again.

 

That night Clint prayed with all his might. He prayed for a sign from Loki and maybe all the rumors he had heard about how what you think about at night will follow you into your dreams were true because Clint dreamt of Loki that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an undertaking I've been thinking about for a long time so lemme know what you think. Every comment is much appreciated and keeps me going. This also isn't Beta read so all mistakes are my own.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dream Time!

“It’s beautiful here, isn't it?”  Loki was standing near him, “I frequented this place with my mother often when I was young,”

 

Clint had to hand it to his brain, this was the exact sort of place he would imagine Loki in as a child. There were many trees for reading and resting, he could hear a river nearby and the wild grass was long. If Clint stood it would come mid thigh. He could imagine little Loki hiding from his mother just by ducking down on warm, sunny days. He could see Loki and his mother running around, her pouncing on him and the two of them rolling around laughing without a care in mind, unaware of Loki’s future.

 

“Why…”

 

“Why am I telling you this? You've told me so much I thought it only fair to give you something in return,”

 

Clint nodded. They spent the rest of the night in silence bathing in the warmth of the Asgard sun. 

 

Clint woke up slowly, with a smile on his face. He felt refreshed. The rest of the day went well and Clint could feel himself smiling more easily at the little things that went right. There was enough milk for his cereal and he ended up whistling between bites. He just felt giddy. Even all the glares he normally received didn't seem to bother him. Like the warmth of the Asgardian sun had followed him into the next day. 

 

Nat had noticed, she noticed so much about him. 

 

“Someone's happy today. What's gotten into you?” She seemed happy that he was happy, they hadn't been the same since Manhattan because Clint hadn't been the same since Manhattan.

 

“I just got some sleep for the first time in forever, Nat. No need to get so excited,”

 

“Well whatever you did...keep it up,” She said it almost somberly because, although she would never admit it, she missed the way they were before. Best friends that functioned perfectly, two peas in a pod. He wanted to hug her but instead, he let her walk away, little steps to fixing them, he didn't want Nat to question him too much.

 

Nat felt the same way that she always had and the questioning would've been kinder than with anyone else but Clint was raw. Since Manhattan, he had found it harder for him to let things roll off of him and he had definitely found it harder to be around Natasha. She hated Loki for what He had done to Clint and she would do whatever she could to keep Him the hell away. And when Clint thought of her conviction he felt guilty. He felt guilty that he seemed normal not because he was moving past Manhattan but because his mind was supplying him with an adequate substitute. 

 

He was conflicted when he went to bed that night, to say the least. 

 

He dreamt of the night of the incident. It was bound to happen, he reminisced about it often enough. Clint was kneeling before Loki and instead of running away Loki lifted Clint's face up to look at him. 

 

“How ever did you wish for this night to continue?” 

 

Clint swallowed, “I want anything as long as you stay,”

 

“No. What specifically did you want from this night at this particular moment?”

 

Clint smiled, his brain was taking the request in a direction that at that moment he hadn't actually thought about. Looking back it could have been perceived as overtly sexual but really all Clint wanted was,

 

“For you to rest. And I would watch over you for the night,” Clint said, that was true. He wanted to be useful for his God in whatever why he could have been and in his mind controlled mind all he had wanted was to watch over Loki as he slept. 

 

Loki looked surprised with his answer. “That's all you desired?”

 

“At the time? Yes,”

 

“And presently?”

 

Clint smirked, “Right now I’d really like to get on the cot and be the little spoon while we sleep,”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

“Do people cuddle on Asgard? Cause I'd like that a lot right about now. Things have been really hard lately,”

 

“I can grant you this,” He said and He smiled and Clint felt his chest ache. 

 

The room shimmered for a moment before it grew and the cot turned into a bed, it looked unbelievably comfortable, Clint felt tired even just looking at it. Clint had spent all his life sleeping on blankets on the floor or cots or teeny tiny twin size beds but this….The bed Loki had created was enormous, a queen or a king certainly, and draped with large and puffy comforters. 

 

“I thought I would make things a bit more spacious. Do you like it?”

 

“Yes,” Clint breathed and for a second he loved the bed more than Loki. Clint discarded his clothes absent-mindedly, he didn't want to dirty up the nice bed with his clothes and crawled into the bed to feel the soft comforter against his bare skin. He groaned and heard Loki chuckle. 

 

“The smallest of things give you such pleasure,” He said, clearly amused. Loki’s armor faded away in a huff of gold and He was perfect in his near nudity. Smooth, scarless skin. Lean muscle. Clint felt embarrassed of  _ his  _ body. He didn’t want to put his flawed self next to Loki but Loki slipped into the bed next to him anyway. 

 

“Will you listen to my order to rest this time?” 

 

“Yeah,” Clint murmured.

 

“Good,” Loki praised him and he felt his being light up, “Now show me how you wish to cuddle,”

 

The formal way He said ‘cuddle’ made Clint want to chuckle but instead he pushed his back against Loki’s chest and guided Loki’s arm around his waist.

 

“Like this,” Clint murmured. Loki placed His hand flat across Clint’s abdomen, breathed down his neck softly and Clint felt himself shudder.  

 

Clint felt himself lulling to sleep with the strong presence of Loki pressing against him. He felt Loki tighten his hold on Clint before He started to chuckle.

 

“What is it?” Clint whispered. It was so peaceful and he didn’t want to disrupt the atmosphere.

 

“I truly would not have imagined  _ this  _ was what you had desired on that night,” Loki mouth was so close to Clint he could feel His breath tickling his ear, “I thought you would beg for something more… intimate. But you… you’re so,” Loki finished with a full blown joyous laugh. It was the weirdest fucking thing Clint had ever heard. ‘Happy’ wasn't a word that suited Loki. Clint chuckled all the same.

 

“I don’t understand you, Clint Barton.” 

 

“I’m sorry I-”

 

“Don’t apologize. You’re perfect,” Loki said, squeezing Clint to Him.

 

Clint was filled with such an absolute joy at what He said that in the next moment Clint felt shame. It was strange, he didn’t usually feel guilty until after he was done thinking of Loki, not in the moment. But this time he felt bitter.

 

“You really ruined my life. Do you know that?” Clint hissed, he could feel his face heating up, could feel himself beginning to panic, “I never would have wanted you before the invasion. I was never religious. I never would have needed or even liked this. You’re just a dude but I pray to you almost every night and I wish I could see you again every moment of every damn day. You’re not God,” 

 

Clint wanted to cry.

 

“I want to be your God,”  Loki flatly said, “That’s all I want,”

 

That was the only thing his brain could have conjured up to make Clint feel awful for lashing out. He was just glad his Loki hadn’t actually heard him. Clint turned around and looked at Loki. He looked drawn and tired.

 

“That’s all I want too,” Clint whispered and hugged Him. Loki sighed and pulled Clint tight.

 

Clint’s face was pressed right against Loki’s throat and he felt the vibration as Loki spoke to him, “It wasn’t a part of the spell. I don’t know why this happened, it wasn’t part of the spell,”

 

“I know,” Clint replied.

 

“I should go. I should spare you. I can not fathom how difficult it is for you to continue like this,” Loki began to push him off as he continued, “Finish resting for this night but I won’t be appearing any longer,”

 

“No,” Clint felt himself begin to panic, “No, you can’t do that. You can’t just leave me,”

 

“I don’t understand you,”

 

“You said that earlier,” Clint said joylessly.

 

“I don’t understand you at all,” He repeated, “How can you want me to stay? I hurt you,”

 

“Well,” Clint smiled nervously as he tugged on the sheets on the gorgeous bed, “maybe this is your chance to prove you won’t do it again,”

 

Clint wished he could immortalize the face Loki made in response to Clint. 

 

“I will endeavor to do so,” Clint nuzzled His neck in response and drifted off in Loki’s arms. 

 

Clint woke up in his room in Avengers Tower determined to make the next day worth staying awake for. It seemed to be going well, he worked out, went to a few meetings, ate breakfast and lunch but everything stuttered to a halt at dinner. The Avengers did not get to eat together as a team often. They were always off doing things separately: Nat on a mission, Tony and Bruce in the lab, Thor visiting Jane or Steve moping around current day Manhattan. And most days  _ he  _ wasn’t even sure of the whereabouts of the rest of the team because he usually skipped team meals. So those very few evenings, when they would all get together to eat, were a good time to bring any news or problems to the entire team’s attention. That evening it was Thor’s turn.

 

Thor rose from the table midway through the meal and announced, “Friends, I must return home to Asgard for a short time.”

 

Clint felt his heart pound, Thor was going to see Loki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a shitty day and this chapter has been ready since before I decided I was gonna share this on the internet so... I thought I might as well make the day of all of you guys a tiny bit better by updating idk. Let me know what you think of this chapter I'd really appreciate it. I've also really really appreciated the comments so far it's made writing ahead the last few days a lot easier and more fun. I kinda wanna get to a point where I'm updating this twice a week so let's see if I can get to a point in writing and editing where I feel comfortable posting chapter three on Saturday. Again this is not Beta read so all mistakes are my own.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's make that explicit tag necessary :)

“Thor’s going back to Asgard,” Clint said. He felt like laughing hysterically, “I really wanted to ask him to come along,”

 

Loki’s eyebrow rose as He continued to listen, “I just want to see you again.”

 

Loki lifted His hand to Clint’s face and rubbed his thumb across Clint’s mouth. Clint pressed a kiss to His thumb reverently and He let His eyes flutter shut.

 

Loki thought for a long moment and Clint wondered what He could be thinking of when He suddenly said, “I want to kiss you. Would you allow me that?”

 

“You don't even have to ask,”

 

Loki kept His hand on Clint's face as He leaned down to softly kiss him. It was better than anything he could have imagined: soft and firm and Him. Clint melted into it as Loki placed His other hand on Clint's waist.

 

That was the last dream Clint had about Loki for a while.

 

His life continued on, or he made it continue on. He had no one to vent to about the absence of Loki and how it had once again torn a hole in his chest. He had no way to get to Asgard, Thor had left and not come back when he promised he would. He needed a place to vent more than anything else and he seriously considered writing things down before berating himself. What he didn’t need was for someone -Nat- to find some long flowery pray about how much Clint just _loved_ Him. Clint just needed to find a way to keep it together.

 

*

 

It was after a battle that a solution was inadvertently presented to him.

 

“I’ve been doing some research on Asgard and stuff. Trying to figure out what’s taking Thor so long to get back and all that jazz,” Tony said as he poked at his split bottom lip. They were all walking into the common area of Stark Tower but Clint was the only one listening. “Jarv found this website and it’s filled with all of these weirdos who are just really into Loki. It’s scary. They’re a real ungrateful bunch that’s for damn sure,”

 

Clint stopped, he suddenly felt very small, “What?”

 

“Yeah, there were actually a couple, most were old norse websites turned into weird Loki websites but there was this one that was something else entirely. You have to experience it Clint, you’ll get a kick out it, it was something like slvrtngue.com but spelled without vowels in silver and no o in tongue. I’ll send it to you,”

 

Tony walked away with a tiny smile on his face, clearly happy to be able to share his private joke with another person on the team. Clint wasn’t smiling, this was bad. Very bad. Tony didn’t know but he had just given a drowning man a life jacket.

 

Clint went to his floor and showered when he got out he couldn’t stop shivering and he realized with horror that he couldn’t recall the temperature of the water he had just bathed in.

 

He went to put his hearing aids back in and then decided to check his phone for the time and saw that Tony had sent him the link. All the thoughts of time and sleep, all the worry about his shower evaporated. Still, in his towel, he popped down into his chair, opened his laptop and punched the URL in.

 

It was as Tony described it, a little plain looking forum website. A buncha people starting some topic about Loki and then other people commenting on it. Clint clicked on the first one he saw.

 

‘Hai do you guys ever think were gonna get like HQ pics of Loki. im not from ny and didnt get a good look at him :(‘

 

Clint could see the humor Tony found in the whole thing. He scrolled down to the comments

 

> ‘uh probably no on the hq pics i mean hes in space jail right’

 

The comment made Clint bark out a loud laugh. A real one, a laugh he didn’t know he was still capable of after Loki. He wiped the tears from the side of his eye and seriously considered saving the comment to show to Nat before deciding against it.

 

He clicked through some more posts, some of the same quality of the first one, others that were more serious, art and writing. This was a pretty thriving community. Clint wondered if he searched hard enough could he find a website like this one for _him_. And then he was struck with the thought that perhaps the people that frequented the site knew of him and his relationship to Loki. He scoured the site for glimpses of him but found nothing.

 

It was a relief almost that no one knew of him. He decided after looking through post after post he would write about the praying. It was something no one else mentioned. Most likely because no one else did it but he thought it would be an interesting topic and he would most likely get at least one serious response. He pressed the ‘new thread’ button and started to write.

 

‘I’m new to this site, never heard of it before. It’s weird to think there are other people similar to me. I can’t help but feel like I need to worship Him. I know it’s wrong and I’m glad (for everyone’s sake) that he was defeated but at the same time…I don’t know. I pray to Him every night. Anyone else do that or am I too weird for y’all?’      

 

Clint was completely unsatisfied with his paragraph. It didn’t even sound like him but if Tony were still monitoring the website better safe than sorry.

 

He got a response almost immediately.

 

> ‘Dude that’s fucking intense’

 

And then another.

 

>> ‘Yea I just think he’s hot XD’

 

And another.

 

>>> ‘^ yea’

 

He almost shut his laptop in frustration when he decided to refresh the page one last time.

 

>>>> ‘No I totally get OP I’ve never tried praying before maybe i will ^^ does that help you OP’

 

He wasn’t sure what was going on with the symbols in the comments or what the term OP meant. But he was sure that the people on the website weren’t the people for him.

 

He pushed his hands against his eyes, OP most likely meant him so he whispered, “Yes, it does help.”

 

The laptop screen was the only light source in the room as he prayed that night. When he was finished he shut the laptop and climbed on top of the bed, finally pulling his towel off.

 

Clint came to in a comfortable but small room, stark white but also filled with little things that made Clint think of Him immediately. His eyes swept the room and nearly missed Him lying silently in a smallish bed.

 

“Barton,” He said before letting his gaze cross Clint’s, “How have you been?”

 

Clint felt paralyzed by the simple question.

 

“No answer? No matter I know how you are, you have been telling me. You seemed especially upset about the group you found that adored me,” He smiled and chuckled, “You would never admit this but you don’t feel very special anymore do you?”

 

Maybe Clint was made of ice because he still couldn’t answer. He wasn’t sure why his dream was deciding to gut him but there he stood: gutted.

 

“Come here,”

 

Clint followed the order and came to the foot of the bed.

 

Loki chuckled, “Worry not, my Hawk. _You_ are the only human that matters,” Loki sat up and patted the area beside Him.

 

Clint sat and relished in the warmth of the bed from where Loki had been lying just moments before. Loki suddenly, with no warning, grabbed Clint’s face. He stared at Clint as if He were looking for something incredibly important, Clint noticed that Loki had done that often during the invasion when he seemed to have found it he lowered one hand to Clint’s mouth and pushed his thumb in. Clint prodded the pad of Loki’s thumb with his tongue and He hummed softly.

 

“I would enjoy taking you today,”

 

Loki chuckled at the soft intake of breath that escaped Clint. Loki removed His thumb and kissed him softly before pulling back and laughing again. Clint would have never pegged Loki as a giggly lay but Loki kept chuckling in between leaving kisses up and down Clint’s neck.  

 

“Didn’t ever take you for the ‘laughing during sex type,’”

 

“You just amuse me,” Loki’s smile faltered as He wove His fingers through Clint’s hair. Clint couldn’t describe the look on Loki’s face as other than longing.

 

“I wish you were with me,”

 

Clint frowned, “I am. I’m here with you right now, aren’t I?” It was a dream, yes, and Clint had conjured up this version of Loki to indulge himself but he was with _Him_ in the dream. Together. And Clint couldn’t fathom what his subconscious was trying to tell him.

 

Loki clapped his hands, “Never you mind any of that. Let us get back to the task at hand.”

 

Clint wanted to push further but had a feeling the outcome of prying wasn’t worth in comparison to getting laid. He undressed sluggishly trying not to make eye contact with Loki. For whatever reason, no matter how much he had wished for this, he felt shy. It was like when they had shared the bed, Clint’s body could never compare to His. But he finished undressing, all the same, pulling his underwear off.

 

He finally looked up at Loki, who while still fully clothed seemed very pleased. He opened his arms and Clint walked towards him.

 

“Sit,”

 

And Clint sat right in Loki’s lap. Loki wrapped his arms around Clint's waist and smiled before letting his mouth ghost over one of Clint's perky nipples. Loki flicked one with his tongue gently as if to test it. When Clint gasped He seemed assured. He licked and nipped at one nipple while rolling the other between two fingers. The rough treatment meant Clint kept making embarrassing little noises. Not full moans or groans but shameful all the same. It wasn't Clint's fault that he didn't know his nipples were super sensitive until that moment.  

 

Clint let himself be handled roughly and was rewarded with feeling Him get hard. Clint let himself grind down and feel the extent of the full, thick, hard cock underneath him. Loki’s cock, His cock. Loki shuddered and clenched down harder on Clint’s tortured left nipple.

 

“Wait, wait, stop,” Clint whimpered, he could feel tears welling up. To be fair to himself Loki’s teeth felt like Loki was taking a dull scissor and scraping it against his nipple. Loki pulled back and looked up at him, if Loki was aroused before, upon seeing Clint’s tears He had reached peak arousal.

 

Loki licked His lips, “Are you going to cry, Barton?”

 

Clint could only sniff in response; Loki’s lips stretched into a smirk.  

 

“I could give you a reason to cry if you so desired. I could fuck you so hard you will not be able to walk for the next week. I could ruin you beyond all measure,” Loki seemed to come back to his senses a bit after seeing the horror on Clint’s face and continued, “But of course I could be a merciful god if that is what you wish. Either way, you will satisfy me.”

 

“It’s just I’ve never been with a man before,”

 

“Ah, then let us not traumatize you. I’d much rather you come back for more over avoiding me,”

 

“Can we fuck like this?”

 

“While I enjoy the idea immensely, I think on all fours will be much more comfortable for your first time,”

 

Clint pouted, it was a trick he used to pull on his ex-wife whenever he wanted something.

 

“Stop that,” Loki scolded him, “and get up.”

 

Clint stood and murmured, “That never worked on Bobbi either,”

 

He climbed onto the bed and tried to relax. He felt Loki’s hands caress him.

 

“Beautiful,” He murmured more to Himself than to Clint and Clint felt himself stir with want. He pushed his ass back into Loki’s hands. Loki chuckled and pried his ass cheeks apart. Something cold pressed and toyed with his rim and Clint shut his eyes. Loki pushed his lubed coated, cold finger in to the first digit and then pulled it back out. Clint bite his lip and willed himself to stay quiet, he didn’t want to seem bratty. Loki kept at it, pushing his finger barely in and then pulling it back out. And then, suddenly, he fully pushed two fingers into Clint and Clint gasped.

 

“Fuck,”

 

“I am endeavoring to do so, Barton,”

 

Loki spread his two fingers apart and Clint shoved his face into the bed to muffle his moans. Loki started up a relentless pace, thrusting his fingers in and out so quickly Clint could hear it. The sloppy, wet noise overpowered Clint’s muffled moans and Clint realized, once Loki paused and the sound continued, that at some point Loki had begun to stroke himself. He pulled His fingers out with a wet pop and lined up. Clint held his breath as Loki pushed in slowly but unrelentingly. He was big, Clint’s heart was in his ears as he tried not to panic. He was overwhelmed but it was Him. Loki was the only thought in his head. Loki, Loki, _Loki_. Loki was inside of him.

 

Loki interrupted his thoughts by asking him if it was ok to start moving. His voice sounded strained, He was clearly holding back.

 

“Yes,” Clint answered once he felt himself calm down enough, “Fuck me,”

 

Loki was so _slow_ once he started. It was another thing Clint never expected but he supposed he would also go slow if he had the avenger he had brainwashed on his knees in front of him. It was clear Loki was enjoying the view. The steady pace was good for Clint, he wasn’t ripping and instead was actually starting to enjoy it. Loki turned Clint’s face to the side and pushed a thumb from the hand He wasn’t using to grip his waist into his mouth. Clint had begun to notice Loki’s obsession with putting things in his mouth but he had to admit he enjoyed the feeling. He started to push back a little to let Loki know he could move faster.

 

Loki picked up the pace and Clint could imagine no greater pleasure than what he was feeling at the moment. It was breathtaking and agonizing. Clint could hear himself huff and puff and the sounds of Loki’s hips meeting his ass as he pounded away. Loki was gasping too and Clint was overwhelmed with pride. He was able to give that feeling to his God, that sort of pleasure.

 

“Am I tight?” Clint somehow managed to ask.

 

“Extremely,” Loki laughed before leaning forward and placing tight-lipped kisses down his neck. He sucked at one area before pulling away with a wet smack.

 

Clint was sweaty and delirious. They had been at it for awhile, Clint had started to drool after Loki pulled His thumb out and his cock was heavy. He was gonna come any second.  

 

“Loki,” He whimpered.

 

“I know. I'm almost there too,”

 

Clint was struck with the realization that Loki was going to come inside him.

 

“Please come inside me,” He knew he was whining, he knew he didn’t sound like himself but he didn't care he just wanted Loki. Loki grabbed his cock and Clint could only stutter yes as Loki stroked him and thrusted into him. Clint came apart first, he leaked down to the bed sheets while Loki kept using his exhausted body.

 

“Stay with me, Barton,” Clint hadn’t even realized he was starting to doze off and could only groan in response. Loki covered Clint’s body completely until He pushed him down so he was laying on the bed instead of up on his knees.

 

Clint could feel Loki’s hot breath ghosting over his neck as He came. Loki collapsed on top of him and Clint was happy to stay under Him if that was what He desired. Loki pulled out eventually and moved aside. Clint had started to enjoy the weight pressing on him but didn’t complain, especially, when Loki began to stroke Clint’s hair.

 

“That was wonderful,” Clint felt himself beam at the praise and noticed Loki struggling to hold back a smile of His own.

 

“You are the only human that matters,” He said again but this time it sounded genuine. Those words sounded over and over again as he started to drift awake.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The feedback I've been getting is incredible. This is my first time writing a long fic that I'm committed to finish (and the first time I've ever made an update schedule for myself) and the comments and kudos makes writing and staying within deadlines easier because I know this fic isn't falling on deaf ears when I update it. Anyway, expect updates Wednesdays and Saturdays from me and if by midnight (EST) on Thursday or Sunday nothing is up then feel free to harass me into updating :) Also I'm going to a concert in like two hours which I know has nothing to do with this fic but is just something I've been excited about!!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> help: make it easier for (someone) to do something by offering one's services or resources.
> 
> Example: "Clint Barton needs help"

“Hey, J.A.R.V.I.S., any news on Thor?” Clint asked groggily as he tried to blink the sleep out of his eyes. Starting off the morning thinking about Loki, then again when wasn’t he thinking about Loki?

 

“No, sir,”

 

 _Damn._ _Four months,_ Thor was usually traveling back and forth and never really staying in one place too long but maybe he had just grown tired of Earth. He had another situation to take care of anyway, he had came in his sleep and had to take care of his sheets. He pulled off his bed sheets and threw them into his hamper before heading the take a shower. He was glad he had slept naked but he wasn’t glad he was going to have to take another shower.

 

He entered the bathroom and couldn’t cross eyes with his own reflection in the mirror. He did the rest of his routine on auto-pilot only stopping to make sure he turned on the hot water before stepping in the shower. He cleaned himself and wondered why this loyalty to Loki, this worship, this poison wouldn’t leave his body. And the dreams weren’t helping, they were so real it felt he was actually spending time with Him again. He washed quickly, turned the water off and went to grab his towel before remembering that he had thrown it off last night without putting it away. He sighed and entered his bedroom, still soaking, to grab his towel off the floor and dry himself off. 

 

“Jarv, what day is it?”

 

“November 10th and it it 7:53 am,”

 

“Anyone else awake?”

 

“Yes, sir,”

 

J.A.R.V.I.S. rambled on to the locations of the awake Avengers when Clint realized he had just showered with his hearing aids in.

 

_ FUCK.  _ He was pretty sure he had a spare pair on his floor somewhere. 

 

“Sir?”

 

“Yeah, um, do you know where my spare hearing aids are?”

 

“Bottom drawer of your bedside dresser,”

 

“You are a blessing, J.A.R.V.I.S. You really are,”

 

“It is my job, sir,”

 

Clint quickly switched the hearing aids and made a mental note to get a new pair. Forgetting to take out his hearing aids was probably the perfect example of how his mind had been since Manhattan: distracted. 

 

Clint finished dressing and headed to get breakfast.

  
  


*

 

The only person in the room was Tony.

 

“There any coffee?” Clint asked.

 

“You’re up early,”

 

“I’m always up this early,” Clint said as he walked over the coffee pot, “you just never are,”

 

“True, I’m never up this early but I doubt you are either,” He murmured, “You take a look at that website yet?”

 

“Yeah, I did,”

 

“And?”

 

“You’re right it was pretty ridiculous,” 

 

Tony hummed in agreement and Clint sipped at his coffee.

 

“It makes me feel kinda bad, though,” Tony said.

 

“What?”

 

“Well, they’re clearly delusional,”

 

The room suddenly felt very cold.

 

“I kinda almost want to help them,” Tony continued, “But we’ve already done our part getting rid of that insane bastard,”

 

People didn’t usually talk so bluntly about Loki around Clint but Tony was never like most people. Clint kept sipping at his coffee so he wouldn’t jump at the bait. If he spoke up for Him Clint would get locked up forever. The elevator dinging was like Clint’s savior.

 

“Hey,” Steve said, he had just come in from a run judging by his sweatiness and flushed skin.

 

“Either of you eat yet?”

 

“No, Mom,” Tony said while smirking at Clint.

 

“I could go for some breakfast,” Clint finished off his cup, he poured a second one and ignored the look Tony gave him. He’d drink the whole pot if Stark said something.

 

“Good, I’ll cook,” Steve said.

 

“Oh, where would we be without our precious captain,” Tony mocked, his attention turned to Steve before Clint zoned out of the conversation.

 

He ate absentmindedly, Steve had made eggs and pancakes, while trying not to think about what Tony had said.  _ Help,  _ did Clint need help? 

 

*

 

_ Help.  _ It was the only thing in Clint’s mind for the rest of the day. He missed on the range while thinking and had to head back to his room. He couldn’t help but berate himself.  _ Distracted. _ He was so distracted, distracted by his thoughts of Loki, distracted by Tony’s words, just distracted.

 

He opened his laptop again, it was where it was before, on the website, on his thread.  

 

“I need help,” He whispered to no one. 

 

He didn’t pray that night.

 

He didn’t dream that night.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is uber short, I'm sorry about that but I really like the way it ends and I feel like it would be cheaper if part of chapter five were included just for the sake of the word count of the fic. Anyway, like always this is not beta read and your comments and support make my world go round


	5. Chapter 5

 

“Hey, J.A.R.V.I.S., any news on Thor?” Clint asked; he wondered if this was going to become a daily ritual and then shook the thought from his head.

 

“No, sir,” 

 

_ Welp.  _ Clint slipped out of bed and opened his laptop. He decided last night that he needed help. He just wasn’t exactly sure what ‘help’ entailed and where he could find it. He wasn’t going to go to his S.H.I.E.L.D. shrink that was for sure. So that left him at square one. He had never gone to non S.H.I.E.L.D. therapy and he didn’t know anyone who had either. He spent the morning in a tank top and his boxer googling therapists. It was going to be traceable, very traceable. He would have to make an appointment by calling different places, and then he might even have to pay with health insurance. He was getting frustrated, he didn’t need S.H.I.E.L.D. finding out he was getting outside help but he also didn’t want to find an awful ‘Hannibal Lecter’ type that didn’t need paperwork to help him either. 

 

“Is this even worth it?” He whispered to his empty bedroom. 

 

He was starting to feel guilty for not praying and hollow after having a dreamless night. Yes, he needed help because those feelings were and will always be  _ wrong.  _

 

It was worth it, he decided. 

 

Making the appointment was not fun, it was long and exhausting. 

 

“Ok, I’ll see you next week. Thank you. Goodbye,” Clint sighed once he hung up the phone. Next week.  _ Next week. _ Why did he make it next week? He clearly needed help ASAP. He should've made it for tomorrow. 

 

“J.A.R.V.I.S., what time is it?”

 

“5:42 pm,”

 

Where the fuck had the day gone. He hadn’t done anything at all except make one therapist appointment. He was acutely aware of his hunger and decided to head downstairs.

 

*

Natasha, Bruce, and Steve were preparing dinner. 

 

“Hey Clint,”

 

“Hey,”

 

“You know we got a correspondence from Thor earlier. We as in me and Tony,” Bruce said. 

 

“Oh, what did he say,” Bruce stepped away from the oven and Natasha and Steve went back to cooking.

 

“He said he's coming to visit soon. Seems like his ‘visit’ to Asgard was more indefinite than he had made it seem,”

 

Clint nodded. 

 

“Just thought you should know before he bursts in one day. We already told the rest of the team but you, well I just saw you for the first time in the last couple days right now,” 

 

“I, uh, thanks,”

 

“No problem. Come help us cook,”

 

“Yeah, alright,”

 

They finished cooking and ate in relative silence. Clint couldn't help feeling like it was his fault. He wanted to shout, I’m a spy! I can see the three of you glancing at each other, say what you want to say to me.

 

When he went to leave Steve pulled him aside. Clint felt relieved that he was finally going to get the conversation over with.

 

“Have you been good recently? I mean you've kinda been like a ghost around here,”

 

“I just have a lot on my mind, Cap. Nothing to worry about,”  _ Don’t pry, don’t pry, don’t pry. _

 

“Ok, well get some rest. And that's an order,” He said with a small smile. 

 

“Yessir,” Clint said while doing a mock salute. He was so tired.

 

*

 

He went to bed without praying and didn't dream. It continued like that until the day of his therapy session. Lounging around in his underwear on his floor all day bleeding into dreamless nights. 

 

Dreamless nights were starting to feel like restless ones. He’d shut his eyes and then open them and a whole night will have past; it didn’t even feel like he was sleeping at all. Blinking, it was like blinking and there was no rest in blinking. Therapy was going to be good for him so he could stop thinking about  _ Him _ . He kept that thought all throughout the morning of the appointment as he got ready. He had no idea if the purple t-shirt he was wearing had been washed recently or if there were stains on his jeans but he didn’t care. 

 

It was on the subway ride over that he realized that he didn’t have a story to tell.

 

*

 

He was pacing in front of the therapist's office. 

 

_ Fuck.  _ Why hadn’t he thought up a story to tell. He couldn’t go in there and tell the truth (Hi, I was brainwashed by a megalomaniacal alien and I kinda fell in love with Him/worship Him and I think I need help. What should I do?) he would just get locked up and then S.H.I.E.L.D would know and then he would get taken out of whatever institute the therapist put him and then S.H.I.E.L.D would lock him up forever and he would go down in infamy and all those smug fucking agents that gave him dirty looks would be fucking right.

 

Clint took a second to breathe, he wasn’t getting anywhere by pacing a hole into the sidewalk while concocting the worst case scenario. He was always good at working on the fly, he’d come up with something once he started talking to his therapist. So he walked in and walked up to the desk.

 

“Hi there, do you have an appointment?” The receptionist spoke warmly and softly. Her demeanor made her seem pretty and soft.

 

“Yes, I’m Clint Barton,” He had decided to go with his actual name, S.H.I.E.L.D was going to find out either way it would be easier to seem innocent if he stayed transparent. 

 

“Yep, I see you’re here. Just go down the hallway and it’s the second door on the right,”

 

He thanked the beautiful woman quietly and headed down the hall.

 

*

 

“Clint, why are you here today?” Her name was Dr. Zasio, they had already exchanged pleasantries. Everyone that worked in this office was the antithesis to mental health care in S.H.I.E.L.D. Where S.H.I.E.L.D was hard, critical and punishing, the receptionist and Dr. Zasio seemed soft, warm, open and  _ understanding.  _ Clint almost felt bad he wasn’t going to tell her the truth.

 

“I, uh, have this, uh, ex. He made me do things I didn’t want to do and isolated me from the people I care about. But, but I think about Him all the time even though we’re separated. And I dream about Him constantly. In the dreams, He’s what I want and it makes me want Him even though it would be bad for me. He was an asshole but He was my asshole.” Eeh, good enough.

 

“Those feelings are normal and I think these dreams are normal. You are misremembering the past as a way to shield yourself from the horrors done to you. I think it’s important to remember that abuse is not love. Can you tell me what he did?”

 

Clint couldn’t help but hone in to the word ‘abuse’. He let it sit in his brain, rolled it around and decided not to correct her before speaking.

 

“I’m not really comfortable with that,”   
  


She nodded sagely and he felt sick. If he didn’t tell the truth this wasn’t going to work. 

 

“Do you think there is a trigger for the dreams?”

 

“What?”

 

“You said you dream about him, is there a specific thing you do that may cause the dream? Listening to a song you both loved or any sort of memorabilia that would remind you of him,”

 

It was simple. It was the praying.

 

“I don’t know I just find myself thinking about Him right before I go to bed?”

 

“Hmm, perhaps you should preoccupy your mind with something else before falling asleep. Music or a podcast may be helpful as something to focus on while you fall asleep,”

 

“Oh, I’ve never tried anything like that,”

 

The rest of the meeting was relatively pointless, she kept reassuring him that nothing was wrong while trying to push for more context. Clint had nothing to give her beyond his initial story so he stayed distant, which was probably common for the abuse victims she talked to and why she was not suspicious of him. 

 

He went back to the tower afterward. 

 

“Hey,” It was Tasha. “I was just getting ready to go to the gym, wanna come with?”

 

It was an extremely loaded question and really more of a test. Natasha was patient, she had been waiting for Clint to reach out and confirm that they were truly still ok and he  _ hadn’t.  _ Clint had isolated himself, kept the entire team at an arm’s length away. This question was her reaching out to him. She was showing him she cared, it was “come with me to the gym, Clint because you’re ok and  _ we’re  _ ok” or “I’m contacting S.H.I.E.L.D cause something is wrong with you and us and I can’t handle that.”

 

She cared so much and Clint couldn’t imagine why she would still care when she could wash her hands of him. She had already repaid her debt a thousand fold by freeing him from Loki. He had noticed that she and Steve were getting closer; he wasn’t sure if it was romantic or platonic but it worth more than what she was trying to salvage with him. He was a mess, he was still Loki’s. But because he still loved her to death, he said yes.

 

*

 

The sparring had been good, he didn’t even realize how stiff he had been. It was nice to open up and it was nice to spend time with Nat. She flipped him almost every time but was always good tempered about. She made more old man jokes than he could count and at one point she had thrown something at him right after saying “think fast” and when he fumbled and eventually dropped it, she laughed so hard she cried.

 

“Come on  _ Hawkeye, _ you didn’t see that coming?” She had said, full of mirth.

 

Clint had laughed himself while looking down at the half-empty water bottle. 

 

It was mindless fun. The type of fun they used to be able to have. The type of fun he missed. 

  
He was sweaty and gross when he got back to his rooms so he showered and flopped into bed but not before turning the radio on; doctor’s orders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit longer so I hope you all enjoyed that. Also, yes Clint has a radio cause he's an old man. Like always every comment is much appreciated and keeps me going and this isn't Beta read so all mistakes are my own. I'm very excited about the next chapter btw so see you next wednesday ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nightmares, dreams, and punishment.

Harold Barton -Dad- was standing over him, his face was contorted in fury and he swung down on Clint’s skull. Everything was pain.

 

Ringing.

 

Another punch.

 

Barney jumps in and Dad throws him aside. He had started crying long ago and he could taste salt in the back of his throat.

 

Another blow and Clint is sure he’s going to die on the floor in the living room of his home in Waverly, Iowa.

 

Dad kicked the side of his face. What had he done wrong again? All he knew was that he didn’t want to die.

 

He was drowning and choking on his freshly drawn blood. He was covering his face with his hands but he knew the damage was done.

.

.

.

...Nothing was happening. He opened his eyes and saw Dad slap Mom and realized he hadn’t heard a  _ thing. _

 

Clint woke up screaming. He hadn’t even realized he hadn’t had his nightmares since Manhattan till they came back in such full force. He felt like vomiting, one of his earliest memories, one of the only memories he has of Iowa, one of his only memories of his mother was the day he became deaf. He couldn’t even remember what he had done to make his Dad mad that day but he suffered for it.

 

A temporal bone fracture, he learned what it was called much later, he was lucky he was only deaf. 

 

Before Manhattan, before Loki, Clint would have nightmares more often than not. They weren’t always memories his brain brought forward to torture him but those were the worst ones. 

 

The radio was still blaring. It hadn’t helped. He rubbed the back of his neck as he sat on the edge of his bed; he had to go back to praying. It made everything easier, so what if there was something wrong with him, so what if he needed  _ help.  _ No one can help him but Loki, no one had helped him but Loki. If there was even a chance he would have another nightmare by avoiding praying then it wasn’t worth it and he would go back to praying to his God.

 

_ His God,  _ he had been neglecting his God and he felt awful. 

 

He switched off the radio and decided it was time to start his day.

 

*

 

“Clint!” Oh, God, Clint could not handle Steve at the moment. “Aren’t you supposed to be at S.H.I.E.L.D today?”

 

_ Fucking fuck. _

 

“Yeah, but it’s fine I just need to show up before three. It’s my bi-monthly thing they have me do because apparently I’m a sleeper agent that could be reactivated by Loki at any point,” Clint concluded with a sip of coffee straight from the pot. Bleh, it was cold. Who the hell was up early enough that the pot had already gotten cold?

 

“Ok, well, ignoring that statement, it’s 2:30….Clint….Clint?”

 

But Clint had already bolted from the room. 

 

*

 

“You’re late, Agent Barton,”

 

“Yeah,” Clint huffed breathlessly.

 

“Were you avoiding our meeting?” The S.H.I.E.L.D therapist was the biggest douche Clint had ever met. She looked at Clint as if waiting for his slip up because she already knew he was guilty. Her blonde hair was pulled up in a bun and her shoes were on too tight. They were the things Clint always noticed, the blisters around the straps of her high heels and her receding hairline. 

 

“No, I just woke up late,”  _ But I'm still exhausted, _ he didn't conclude. 

 

“Well, then why did you show up? You could have called and told me. I would’ve understood,” Her smile said the opposite of her words.

 

“Didn’t want to give you the satisfaction,” 

 

“Hmm,” Somehow expressing both pleasure and displeasure in a hum as she clicked her pen, “Let’s begin,”

 

*

 

He got the all clear- like he always did- accompanied with an overly cheery “See you in two months, Agent Barton.”

 

He couldn’t even be called an Agent anymore. He hadn’t done any non Avengers related thing for S.H.I.E.L.D since before Manhattan. Even then he had been really neglecting his Avengers duties.

 

*

 

“Did you make the meeting?” Steve was still there?

 

“Have you not moved since I left?”

 

“No, I was in my room. I just stopped by to get a glass of water. Did you make the meeting?”

 

“Clearly. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t make it,”

 

Steve seemed to pointedly ignore Clint’s comment, “How did it go?”

 

“Fine, I got the all clear,” He was starting to get annoyed with the whole ‘I won't respond to you unless you respond the way I want you to’ schtick everyone was pulling on him all the time. 

 

“Great,” Steve beamed at him and Clint couldn’t help but feel less shitty.

 

“There any snacks? I haven’t eaten at all today,”

 

Steve threw him a granola bar.

 

“I’m going to my floor,” He said around a mouthful.

 

*

 

“Hey, Loki,” Clint's hands were clasped in front of him as he spoke lowly, “I haven't prayed to you in a while so I have a bit more than usual to tell you about. You know actually, I haven’t done much. I mean I went to therapy” He flinched, “I wanted to get help but it didn’t really help and I couldn’t shake how much I miss you. My Lord, I had a nightmare for the first time since I met you and it was horrible,”  _ My Lord,  _ he wasn’t sure he was ever going to say that out loud again, “And, uh, I talked to Bruce for the first time in an embarrassingly long time seeing as we live in the same building. He told me Thor was coming for a visit soon. It’s always weird when he’s around, he treats me with this fragility I don’t appreciate but at the same time I’m kinda excited to see him.”

 

He felt lighter. The sun hadn’t even gone down yet but he didn’t see himself doing anything else for a while so he fell back on his bed for a nap.

 

*

 

“Strip,” Loki commanded and Clint shuddered. Right to business, not even a hello. 

 

They were standing in his bedroom back in Iowa. Everything was fuzzy if Clint reached out the dreamscape would probably shatter, Clint didn’t have very many clear memories of this part of his childhood home especially. 

 

Clint started to remove his shirt when Loki stopped him.

 

“I think there needs to be a change of scenery before we continue,”

 

The room shifted until the only thing Clint could see was a very comfortable chair, he turned and the rest of the room seemed to be swallowed by darkness. Clint undressed nervously, wondering what was going to come next.

 

He looked up at Loki once he was finished, He looked furious. The silence stretched on until Loki finally snapped. 

 

“A week, and  _ why _ , because you wanted help? Barton, do you think this is acceptable?” Clint noticed that Loki was in his full armor sans his helmet, He didn’t leave time for Clint to answer, “Surely you realize you can not claim loyalty to me and then try to erase my claim on you. It is one or the other, Barton. Or are you going to keep flipping until you desire the positive effects of my company once more.”

 

“No, I didn’t mean to….I’m so sorry. I've made my decision,” Clint felt like shit, utter waste. He had failed his God and to hear Loki say it made it a thousand times worse, “Please, I’m being sincere. I’m….I’m yours.”

 

“I am glad to hear that but you must realize that an apology is not enough,” Loki sat in the chair and motioned for Clint to come forward. 

 

“Over my knees, my Hawk,” Clint almost asked if He was going to do what Clint thought he was but then decided against it and climbed onto Loki’s lap. The top of his head and the tips of his toes almost brushed against the hardwood floor. Loki’s leather pants were cold and uncomfortable against Clint’s bare thighs. He felt Loki cup his ass before he felt a hard open palmed smack. He held his breath as Loki did it again.

 

He was getting spanked, like a naughty child. The first few smacks stung just a bit but Loki was just warming up. The next spank made Clint break his silence to utter a strangled sob.

 

“Fuck,” He whimpered but Loki didn’t stop. Clint felt his subconscious kick in as he tried to break free and get away from the punishment but Loki’s iron grip meant that Clint didn’t budge a bit. Clint could feel Loki’s erection pressing into him, usually, that would’ve made Clint swoon but he was too focused on his punishment. 

 

Loki continued and Clint prayed that it would end only to realize that the being he prayed to was inflicting this pain onto him. It was humiliating, he hadn't even been treated in such a manner when he  _ was _ a small child. He had done this to himself, though, and he would endure it to prove to Loki he was serious. Slowly it started to get better, he felt almost numb to it as if his ass had taken all it could take. Loki paused and Clint assumed Loki had come to the same conclusion and would end soon but instead Loki straightened Clint’s legs out and hit the spot right under his ass with immense strength. Clint screamed and Loki did it a second time.

 

He stopped again, “We are drawing close to the end of your punishment, Barton,”

 

Clint dry heaved in response.

 

“I need you to gather your strength and count for me,” Loki rubbed something foreign against him.

 

Clint nodded before thinking that perhaps Loki couldn’t see him. “Yes,” He managed. 

 

He could hear the air swish before he was struck with a paddle. He could tell the little fucker had holes in it and the whole thing hurt so bad that when he tried to scream no sound would come.

 

“One,” Clint could feel Loki’s fingers shifting over his back.

 

_ Smack.  _

 

“Two,”

 

Loki hit him on his thighs instead of his ass and Clint couldn’t collect himself to speak before Loki tutted.

 

“Barton, I said ‘keep count.’ Let’s begin again,”

 

Loki hit him on his thigh again, “One.”

 

“See, that wasn’t so hard,” Loki purred and He began again. 

 

Clint somehow found the strength to utter a number after each hit; Loki hit him and instead of just Clint they both said sixteen, Clint breathless and weeping, Loki firm and final. Loki gently nudged at Clint.

 

“Up.” Clint scrambled to his feet.

 

Loki stood and grabbed his tear streaked face with two hands, He had that look again -as if He were desperately searching for something very important in Clint’s face.

 

“Do you understand why I had to do that?”

 

“Yes,” Clint whispered.

 

“Explain it to me,”

 

“I tried to abandon you. I-” Clint thought of Loki’s words earlier, “I tried to erase your claim on me and I’m sorry,”

 

“Enough apologies. You have suffered enough guilt, I absolve you,”

 

Clint felt tension he didn’t realize he had dissipate. 

 

Loki sat again and freed His cock from his pants, “Kneel,”

 

Once on his knees, Loki guided his head to the tip of His cock. Sucking cock was not something Clint could say he was talented in mostly because he had never done it and he didn’t know where to start now. He licked the tip tentatively and did it again before letting his lips encase the head. Loki was producing a lot of pre come, it was salty but not unpleasant. 

 

Loki sighed, “This is taking too long.”

 

He grabbed the back of Clint’s head pushed him forward until Loki's cock hit the back of his throat and he choked. Loki pulled his head back a bit so he could breathe before pushing back in, when it hit his throat this time he tried to swallow around it. Loki was really too big, Clint realized as Loki pushed for a few more seconds before Clint was near His balls.  

 

His cock was  _ in _ his throat. Clint was sure if he brushed his throat with his hand he would feel a bulge from Loki’s cock. Clint tried his hardest to accommodate the monstrosity but could feel his body trying to reject it. He looked up at Loki with pleading eyes, He was still in his full armor and looking at Clint with red cheeks and hungry eyes. Clint was struck with wonder at his God’s expression. He had to try harder, he would do this for Loki. 

 

He kept using Clint's mouth lazily and Clint could feel himself getting into the rhythm of it. Clint was starting to enjoy it, he felt his own cock start to harden. He couldn’t help but ruminate on the concept of being His cockslut, His cum dump. Loki sat up and pushed all the way in before coming down Clint's throat. The force and pressure caused tears to escape from Clint’s eyes. And the sound of Loki pushing down into his wet, drooling mouth was enough for Clint to push his thighs together to hide his violent arousal. He pulled out and Clint coughed as he tried to swallow, he felt some escape and felt guilty. He didn't want to look up and face Loki but Loki had other plans. He lifted Clint's face and smirked. Clint could only imagine how he looked, leaking cock, teary eyes, red lips and drool galore. 

 

“You will remember this.”

 

It wasn't a question but Clint still replied, “Yes.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a fun chapter to write, I don't think I've ever seen the classic OTK style spanking with frosthawk so I decided to fix that. Like always this is not beta read and your comments and support make my heart sing.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A memory is shared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Saturday; time for an update!

Clint woke up rapidly, too aroused to stay asleep. He slipped his hand under his briefs and palmed himself. He thought of the dream he just had, Loki’s fat cock down his throat and the taste of come. A groan escaped him, he sounded utterly ruined as came. It was so powerful it was painful but Clint couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride that Loki was the reason he had been so aroused, all for Him.  

 

He sat up to clean himself and change his clothes. As he pulled a new shirt over his head he asked J.A.R.V.I.S for the time.

 

“7:53 pm, sir,”

 

“Really?” He had only napped for a couple hours and Clint felt more well rested than he had the entire week he wasn’t praying. He was also starving.

 

*

 

No one was in the kitchen, Clint breathed a sigh of relief, he really didn’t feel like putting up with the prying and pity today. He threw together some boxed mac n cheese. He wasn’t sure why he had made it–it barely even smelled like food–until he took the first bite and felt the nostalgia. He smiled around a forkful when he heard someone enter the room.  _ God damn.  _

 

“Barton?”

 

“Stark.” 

 

Stark paused and let them both stew in the silence for a while, Clint wondered how long he would get locked up if he jammed his fork into Stark’s eye when he heard, “I kinda got a stern talking to about you and your feelings or whatever from Rogers….So are we cool?”

 

“What the hell are you talking about?” He just wanted to eat his dinner in peace! Was that really too much to ask for?

 

“The website. Did you not go to Cap about me sending you the website about Loki?”

 

“No.”

 

“I’m gonna kill that bastard,” Tony chuckled bitterly, Clint had to refrain from rolling his eyes, “Everyone is trying to be so careful around you but you're a grown ass adult.”

 

Clint wasn't exactly sure how to respond to  _ that  _ so he just nodded as he chewed. 

 

“If I want to say something about Loki I should be able to and Thor shouldn't have to leave.”

 

Clint froze, all his attitude gone, “What?”

 

Stark started speaking when Clint didn’t elaborate further, but all Clint could think was  _ my fault, my fault. My. Fault. _

 

“I'm gonna go to my room,” Clint left his nearly empty bowl of mac n cheese on the countertop as he exited the kitchen.

 

*

 

He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe. He felt himself pacing around his bedroom. He opened his mouth to try to take a deep breath and all he felt was his throat get tight. He could hear his heart in his ears and Clint realized he was having a panic attack. He had them sometimes when he was young, after the accident but before the circus. He couldn’t remember what he had done to make them  _ stop.  _ It felt like his blood was souring in his veins. He wrapped his arms around himself and he heard a knock.

 

“Go away,” He called out shakily.

 

“It’s me,” Stark called.

 

“Go. Away,” Clint repeated, he couldn’t talk to Stark right now, he couldn’t talk to anyone right now except maybe… but that was ridiculous there was no way he could fall asleep at the moment; he felt too terrible.

 

“I shouldn’t have said that. Thor never said he left because of you,” Stark called out to him.

 

“But you’re right,” Clint responded angrily, “Thor left because of me, he could never even look me in the eyes with all the guilt he felt. You don’t think I’m tired of being coddled, Stark? It’s sickening– I...I can’t stand it.”

 

“Then prove them wrong. Join the team, readjust. Listen I  _ know _ that’s not easy but you have to try or you’ll always be Loki’s thrall.”

 

Clint didn’t respond– just trying to breathe was enough of a struggle– and he eventually heard Tony’s steps fade away. 

 

“Jarv?”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

“Set my alarm for seven am.”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

“Thanks.” He sighed and let his head fall into his hands, the worst was starting to pass but he still felt pretty awful. He was on edge but also exhausted.

 

*

 

He noticed himself chew at his nails as he got ready for bed; he couldn’t stop thinking about his conversation with Tony. He hoped he dreamed of Loki, he needed the night of repose from his racing thoughts. He shifted under his covers, shut his eyes and forced his body to relax.

 

*

 

Clint didn’t recognize where he was at all, the room was warm and large. All the furniture was made of a chocolate brown wood, the bookshelves he could see were completely filled with worn out and heavy looking books. The room wasn’t the cleanest, it had a lived in sense to it, a piece of clothing thrown here or there, an open book on the desk, made of the same wood as everything else. He noticed the bed last and he nearly glanced over Loki, so engrossed with taking in his surroundings as he was.

 

Clint felt a smile stretch on his face when they made eye contact. Clint saw Loki smile in return and felt encouraged.

 

“Where are we?” Clint asked softly, he didn’t want to ruin the atmosphere.

 

“My old bedroom. You showed me yours last time, I thought perhaps you would enjoy seeing mine.”

 

“It’s just like I imagined and… it suits you,” Clint said, Clint meant it as a compliment, the room was lovely and Loki was lovely.

 

“Come here,” Loki said, Clint could hear the smile in his voice. Clint stood in front of Loki and let Him grab Clint’s hips to manhandle him onto His lap. Loki kissed him on the mouth once softly.

 

“Why are you here again so soon?”

 

“I was napping last time. I’m asleep for the night this time,” Clint looked and saw the smirk spread across Loki’s face.

 

“Let us enjoy our time together then.” Loki let His mouth trail down Clint’s neck, kissing and nipping at random intervals, before pulling back and looking at him for a response.

 

Clint nodded and wanted to curse when he suddenly, inexplicably recalled his conversation with Tony.

 

“Something troubles you,” It wasn’t a question. Clint leaned down and kissed Him, it was a bold move but he knew he was going to upset Loki with the rest of their conversation.

 

“I had a conversation with Tony that’s been bothering me,” 

 

“The Man of Iron?” Loki seemed confused, Clint had the sullen tough guy persona perfected and the idea that a conversation could nag him didn’t really match that persona and even though Loki got to see his softer sides he could tell He was having a hard time wrapping His head around the concept.

 

“Yes.”

 

“What could he have possibly uttered that would have distressed you so?” Clint could feel Loki’s possible wrath towards Stark. Clint wondered for a second what he could say that would make Loki hate Tony. He wondered for a longer second if he should utilize it.

 

“He just reminded me of something I already knew; everyone treats me like I’m fucking fragile,” Clint said, becoming filled with toxic bitterness half way through. He didn’t mention Thor.

 

“Is that all?” Loki asked while He cupped Clint’s face. Clint nuzzled into it and felt his apprehension fade away, he could talk about Thor–it would be okay.

 

“It’s my fault,” Clint whispered, he could feel a lump building in his throat, “It’s my fault that Thor went back to Asgard. I really freaked him out. He would stare at me like he was looking for you.” He couldn’t explain it in a way that wasn’t clipped and vague because he didn’t want to get into it more.

 

“You should not have to concern yourself with my brother’s problems,” The ‘brother’ slithered out of Loki’s mouth like a curse, “Do not find fault in yourself, Barton. You say my brother is set to return soon, speak to him when he arrives on Midgard. I dislike the idea of you concerning yourself with him but I hate your distress much more.”

 

The thought that Loki cared about Clint even a bit took Clint’s breath away. It put him in a playful mood, he squirmed a bit in Loki’s lap.

 

“Ok,” Clint said, “But I’m still feeling a little sucky.”

 

He wasn’t actually, Loki’s suggestion was perfect and he would bury the thoughts until he saw Thor again, but he had a request he wanted Loki to fulfill that he was sure He wouldn't if He thought Clint was feeling better. It popped into his head after taking in His bedroom.

 

“Are you?” One of Loki’s eyebrows was raised, “And what can I do to make you feel better?”

 

“I’m glad you asked! Tell me a story–something about this room.”

 

Loki looked taken aback, “That’s what you want?”

 

Clint was having some serious déjà vu but nodded all the same. He really wanted to tell Loki that he wasn’t always thinking about sex but he stayed silent.

 

“A story… about this room. A joyous one… perhaps a sad one?”

 

“Something memorable.”

 

“Well then,” Loki seemed to grasp the right memory immediately because the room started to take a blurred look around the edges, Loki was focusing on getting the story right and parts of the environment were suffering for it. Clint turned in Loki’s lap to watch the memory unfold.

 

A woman walked into the room. She was breathtaking, dark brown curls framed her round dark face, Clint immediately focused on her wide blinking brown eyes, her long eyelashes almost brushing her skin. She parted her full lips and called for Loki.

 

“Who is that?” Clint couldn’t stop staring at her, she looked as if she had stepped out of a Renaissance painting, or a painting of Ophelia but somehow more mystic and black as opposed to the pale woman usually depicted.

 

“I’m focusing, dear,” Clint stayed quiet but let the word ‘dear’ full up every part of him. He was going to have to get Loki to say that more often.

 

A younger Loki entered the room behind her and shut the door. He reached out and pulled her close to Him, when her back was flush with His chest He kissed her cheek. Her green dress swished as she slipped out of His embrace to glide further into the room.

 

“So this your room,” She whispered.

 

“Yes.”

 

“It’s just like I imagined,” Clint was shocked, he had just said the same thing, was that why Loki had chosen this? And then he berated himself, it was just a dream and his brain was being a lazy little shit. 

 

“Sigyn, have you come just to stare at my room?” Loki sounded amused as He stalked over to her.

 

_ Sigyn,  _ that name was so familiar to Clint, he had heard it somewhere but he couldn’t remember where.

 

“I would if you let me,” Her fingers lightly traced over the open book on Loki’s desk, she read a sentence, her lips trembling as she mouthed the words before she turned her attention elsewhere.

 

He chuckled and turned her to face Him, “I won’t let you,”

 

And then they kissed a closed mouth, chaste kiss. A  _ first  _ kiss, Clint realized. He had asked for something memorable and he got it, this was Loki’s first kiss. Clint’s heart clenched, it was a perfect little memory.

 

Clint expected it to end but then she pulled back and said, “Promise me you’ll marry me.”

 

“Sigyn, I’ve just kissed you for the first time and yet you are–”

 

“Promise me.” She sounded desperate and Loki was obviously picking up on it. She was clutching Loki’s hand so tight and with both of her smaller hands as if he could disappear at any moment. Clint understood the feeling.

 

“I promise.” He pulled her into a hug and rested his head atop her hair as he kept repeating the words.

 

And they faded in a shower of golden lights, the room came back into clear view when they disappeared.

 

“Who was that?” Clint repeated. He turned his body around in Loki’s lap so he could look at Him.

 

“My late wife Sigyn,” Loki said blankly.

 

“‘Late?’”

 

“Yes, she passed quite some time ago,” He shook His head, “This was not a good idea. I doubt you wanted to see evidence of love long past, Barton. But that memory is happy and sad and  _ memorable.  _ I will never forget her,” He looked remorseful. Clint wasn’t sure how to heal that wound so he did what he could and kissed Him. Loki let him and then kissed back forcing Clint’s mouth open. His tongue darted across Clint’s bottom lip before He pulled back.

 

“You have spoken of a past wife of your own. I thought it fair to show this to you.” He continued as if Clint had never interrupted him.

 

“I didn’t tell you shit about Bobbi, you didn’t have to show this to me.” Clint bit at his lip, all this because of an offhanded comment weeks ago. Had he said something about his pouty face? He wasn’t even sure and now he felt like he had just gutted Loki. It wasn’t a feeling he would ever want his God to feel and it was especially not one he would have ever wanted to be the culprit behind.

 

Loki shrugged eloquently, “It is already done.”

 

“Did you love her?” Clint didn’t know why he asked that he was pretty sure he did not even want to know the answer.

 

“Yes, but I was young, not even 1000 yet, and we were doomed from the start,” Loki shook his head and sighed.

 

The room was fading away, Clint realized, he was waking up. Always so short, their time together was always so short.

 

_ “Like us,”  _ Loki finished but no one else heard him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I tag this with past Loki/Sigyn and past Clint/Bobbi I'm not sure but I feel as if maybe I should so people know? But anyway like always this isn't Beta read and comments are always appreciated.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A vistor!?!?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How about that new Thor trailer??? I can't believe it's finally so soon

Clint rubbed a hand over his face, he felt raw, fragile,  _ skinned.  _ He couldn’t fathom how he had dreamed what he had. He pulled his laptop close to him and searched for Sigyn. The first result was a wikipedia page. Clint clicked on it and scanned it. ‘The wife of Loki’ stood out, Clint sighed, he had done research on Norse mythos after Thor’s little excursion to New Mexico. He remembered reading a few short paragraphs on Sigyn and he must have repurposed that information for his dream. 

 

He stretched, satisfied with the answer he found, and got ready for team practice.  

 

*

 

“Hey there old man,” Natasha was smiling at him. She and Tony were the only ones that looked unsurprised to see him. 

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” He murmured sheepishly, “Let’s just get to practice.”

 

“Barton! You’re here.” Steve shouted from across the room.

 

Clint nodded, he was determined to get back on track. To get back to normal.

 

*

 

Practice was what he expected, Steve and Natasha wiped the floor with him, and he destroyed Tony on the range. It wasn’t till they were done that he realized Bruce hadn’t been there.

 

“What’s going on with Banner?”

 

“Well he can’t  _ really _ spare with anyone except Thor,” Tony shrugged.

 

“So you guys have just been doing science stuff recently.”

 

“Yes, Barton, science stuff,” Tony’s voice was dripping with playful sarcasm.

 

Nat and Rogers were walking a few feet in front of them.

 

“What’s going on with them?” Clint felt himself asking.

 

“You know chicks really dig the whole ‘all American good boy with a can do attitude.’ Even russian spies apparently,” Tony was amused but Clint felt his blood run cold. Stark was probably just fucking around but if it were true than Clint couldn’t help but feel betrayed. Not because he loved Natasha (no that time came and went long long ago) but because they were best friends and it was something she would normally have told him, or at least hinted at. He would’ve known about this if it weren’t for Manhattan, then again they wouldn’t be a thing if it weren’t for Manhattan.

 

Natasha was smirking and Steve was laughing, a pink tinge blooming across his face as he shut his eyes, and because Nat didn’t think anyone was looking at her she smiled. A real true warm smile, and oh man she had it  _ bad _ was all Clint could think. 

 

“Anyone want breakfast?” Steve turned and asked them barely able to get the words out. His face was still pink and Natasha was still looking at him.

 

Clint nodded.

 

“Yeah sure I’ll eat as long as you two sit far away from each other. Your goo goo eyes are gonna ruin my appetite,” Tony snarked. Natasha quirked an eyebrow at him, a warning hidden in plain sight, and Steve just kept laughing. What had Natasha said that was so funny?

 

All four of them rode up in the elevator in silence. Clint and Tony entered last and were closest to the doors, Clint had to restrain himself from looking back at Nat and Steve. He could imagine them stealing glances and even brushing hands.

 

They exited the elevator and was greeted by sounds of banging in the kitchen.

 

“What the hell is Banner doing?” Steve groaned as he walked forward.

 

“Banner, I was going to–” Steve stopped dead in his tracks.

 

That was odd, Clint thought, he made eye contact with Tony and Natasha and their gazes seemed to agree with him. All three of them broke into a jog to follow Steve.

 

“Friends!” The source behind the clamor set the pots and pans down and swept them all into a giant group hug. Thor was back.

 

*

 

The six of them, Bruce had actually also been in the room when they arrived, were eating breakfast. Steve had miraculously cleaned up Thor’s mess and whipped up something quick. 

 

“It really is nice to see you Thor,” Steve said. He had said enough to make it a drinking game if only Clint had some alcohol.  

 

“How’s everything at home?” Natasha asked. Somehow when Tony wasn’t paying attention Natasha and Steve had sat together.

 

“I’m sorry my friends but all is not well. The destruction of the Bifrost caused much disarray across the nine realms, it is my job to fix it but it is not an easy one.”

 

“Why don’t you make Loki fix it. It’s his fault at the end of the day.”

 

Thor didn’t agree or disagree with Tony but instead said, “Loki is serving his punishment in Asgard’s dungeon. To release him would be dangerous.”

 

No one commented, especially not Clint whose heart had lurched when he heard Tony and Thor say His name.

 

The breakfast continued in relative silence, Nat and Steve kept to themselves, while the rest of them munched and engaged in small talk. The biggest topic of discussion was how much Thor missed the food.

 

Nat and Clint finished eating at the same time, when they left the table Clint made eye contact and Natasha knew they needed to have a talk.

 

He was in Natasha’s room.

 

“When were you going to tell me about you and Steve,” His bitterness was causing every vertebrae in his spine to fuse together, he felt like he was scolding her for leaving a very important detail out of a debriefing, it felt like he was asking  _ are you compromised? _

 

“Clint,” She sighed, the weariness deflating her like a balloon, and he knew she still trusted him at least a bit because she was letting him see, but maybe he was wrong about that too. Watching her around Steve he noticed that she smiled more easily, laughed more freely,  _ showed more,  _ “that wasn’t what I thought this was about if I’m being honest with you.”

 

“What the hell else would it be about?”

 

“Thor being back,” She said as if she were scared that Clint couldn’t see how obvious it was. She had every right to say it with such intensity, if he were any other Clint,  _ if he were right,  _ Thor’s presence would bother him because it was a reminder of Loki and he really was supposed to hate Loki. But his mind already supplied him with enough memory of Loki and they were all pleasant.

 

“I can handle myself around Thor,” He gritted out.

 

He could tell she was holding back from pushing further, and when had she ever shown anyone that courtesy,  _ how fragile does she think I am. _

 

“Well about Steve, because that is apparently what this is about, I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about.”

 

“Nat, come on I’m a goddamn spy I’ve noticed,” It did feel good to point it out just like he always thought it would, “and Tony’s picked up on it too.” 

 

She shrugged, “Everyone is allowed to think what they want.”

 

“Even me?” Clint asked and he felt like he was losing her, he wondered if that was how she felt when the Tesseract flowed through him like blood, “even your best friend?”

 

“What do you want me to say, Clint? Whether or not I like him doesn’t matter, this is Captain America we’re talking about. And I’ve never been one for love anyway.”

 

It was a shutdown, a classic Romanov shutdown, but because Bartons never know when to quit Clint pushed on.

 

“I think you’re the first person to make Captain America laugh for five minutes straight in a hundred years. I think if you left right now he would follow you because this is Captain America we’re talking about. And I doubt he sees himself as part of your rule concerning love.”

 

“No man does,” She whispered, “And they’re always wrong.”

 

It was a low blow and they were both going to regret what they would say if Cint stayed, so he left.

*

 

Now that he wasn’t paying attention to Natasha he was thinking about Thor. He wasn’t sure how to approach Thor, and he definitely was not sure what words he would use once they began to converse. He couldn’t go up to him and just ask him if he left because he pitied Clint, even if it didn’t make Clint seem self centered, of course, Thor would say no. He could imagine the amount of horror in Thor’s voice as well. 

 

He was pulling an arrow out of a target; he was on the range wasting time by practicing. And archery helped clear his head.

 

“Barton!” Clint was not ready yet, he wasn’t ready at all, “I have yet to speak with you. Have you been well?”

 

There was a barely disguised worry worming itself all throughout what Thor had said and Clint’s heart clenched. Thor felt so guilty but he had nothing to feel guilt over. He thought Clint was broken and maybe he was but Thor was not the Asgardian that should feel any remorse for his state. 

 

“I’ve been good, buddy,” He laughed nervously, “Sorry about not talking to you over breakfast, I was kinda distracted, had to talk to Nat.”

 

“Ahh,” Thor said and nodded as if he understood perfectly. And Clint could feel the words ‘it wasn’t about Loki’ bubble to his lips before dying down. 

 

“Sorry to hear about Asgard.”

 

“Yes, my brother caused a disaster as is usual,” He was joking a bit, but the actual regret and sadness was seeping through far too much, “But it is nothing that can not be fixed.”

 

“About that... shouldn’t you be taking care of it? I mean if you haven’t fixed it yet then how are you here?”

 

“My father has given me a slight reprieve. I will be leaving to home tomorrow at dusk to attend to the nine realms once more.” Thor looked devastated and Clint realized he wasn’t even going to get a chance to see Jane.

 

“Sheesh and I thought S.H.I.E.L.D. gave bad vacations.” Cracking jokes because that was the only way Clint knew how to deal with grief.

 

Thor laughed and Clint pondered for a second, just a second–nothing worth anything–how much easier it would have been to fall for the golden prince of Asgard. 

 

“I will leave you to your craft,” Thor remarked and left the room before Clint could say anything else.

 

“Yeah, see you at dinner,” He said to the empty doorway. 

 

*

 

Dinner was absolutely forgettable except for the fact that it wasn’t at all. Thor didn’t show up.

 

*

 

Clint’s prayer that night was rushed because he was exhausted, he was no longer used to working his body the way he had.

 

*

 

Loki picked him and swung him around gently before kissing him. All of Clint’s problems evaporated into thin air. He smiled and Clint shuddered, the feeling was back, the feeling of gratitude, of barely describable thankfulness to Loki and whatever gave him the power to make his God so happy.

 

He put him down but kept His arms wrapped tightly around Clint. He wouldn’t stop kissing him, as if Clint were His only source of happiness.

 

“Barton,” He whispered against Clint’s lips, “Tell me you are going to come see me.”

 

“What?” Clint could’ve guessed a million different things to what Loki would say to him but that would not have been one of them.

 

Loki looked just as perplexed as Clint, “What do you mean? It is a simple question I thought.”

 

“How would I come see you?”

 

“Return to Asgard with my brother, you just told me you have yet to speak with him truthfully. Do so tomorrow and demand to see me. I desire to see you, do not deny me that or I will tear the nine realms apart to reach you once more.”

 

“Uh, I’d rather not,” Clint said, trying to squirm out of Loki’s hold, “I don’t want to meet you and realize you could give not even a single shit about me. The dreams are nice, I need this.”

 

Clint’s eyes were squeezed shut, just saying no to dream Loki hurt, he couldn’t face real Loki.

 

“And you’d see right through me. You’re not nice outside of here and you’ll see right through me and I won’t say no and then I’ll do things I’ll regret and then everyone will have been right about me.” He was panting, the world was too intense, shaking, vibrating. The environment reflecting Clint’s oncoming panic. 

 

“I do not understand. What is this distinction you are trying to create? What do you think is happening at this moment?”

 

“I’m dreaming!”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You’re not real.”

 

“No.” Loki said, he lifted Clint’s face up, “I am very real; I am dreaming as well, it is not as one sided as you may think, my love.”

 

Clint swallowed and shook his head. None of this conversation was making any sense, why was this happening?

 

Loki frowned deeply, “You don’t believe me but what will you have to lose by seeing the real me?”

 

“Everything.”

 

“Perhaps, but if this is not real then will it not be best for you to lose it?”

 

Clint wanted to cry, this was so cruel but because he knew deeply that Loki was right and because he couldn’t stomach saying no to Him again, he nodded. Loki finally let him go and He looked the same as when the memory of Sigyn had melted away.

 

Clint awoke sobbing. He rubbed his hands over his eyes and knew he was going to ask Thor to take him to Asgard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for posting so late in the day but here's a new chapter! I wonder if any of you are in a time zone different enough that you get notifs when it's not even Wednesday and Saturday. Anyway... this is the last update till next Wednesday because this weekend I won't have access to my laptop or Ao3. But like always every comment is super super appreciated. <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor's a bit of a worrywart

Clint pulled on a pair of sweatpants and rode the elevator to the floor given to Thor. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, ruffled his hair and tried to fix his shirt but he was sure he still looked like a distraught mess. 

 

Clint banged on Thor’s door like a madman, he looked like a mess so he might as well act like one. Thor opened the door looking generally displeased and tired before he took in Clint’s form, the look rapidly shifted into guilt and worry. Clint felt almost bad that he was going to take advantage of Thor’s feelings towards him but when he told Thor that he shouldn’t feel bad for him at the shawarma place he had meant it.

 

“You weren’t at dinner.” Clint blurted out. He wasn’t sure why he had said  _ that  _ but Thor looked even sadder so maybe he had hit the target without even trying–always the archer.

 

“Yes, I apologize, I couldn’t bear it. In fact, I may be returning to  Asgard earlier than anticipated.”

 

Clint flinched, he really had to do this now or never, “Take me with you.”

 

Thor just looked confused until Clint pressed on, “I need to see Loki. I need some peace of mind and if I can confront Him in His cell than I think I can finally move on.”

 

“Barton, are you sure of this? Loki can be extremely wicked and cruel; I will not stand by as he hurts you.”

 

“He can’t do anything worse than has already been done.” Clint deadpanned and Thor visibly flinched. Come on Thor, come on, say yes. Clint worried at his bottom lip as he saw Thor’s smooth from hurt into thoughtful.

 

“Because of your history with my brother, I suppose the Allfather will say yes. However, I can not strain the relationship between Midgard and Asgard any further.”

 

“What the hell does that mean.”

 

“You will have to get permission–”

 

“From Fury,” Clint finished, “He’s not going to be the least bit happy about this. I’m already dreading the conversation”

 

“On that, we agree.”

*

 

Clint felt bad that he was delaying Thor’s trip but Thor was right if they wanted to be welcome near S.H.E.I.L.D., no, on Earth ever again, then they needed Fury’s permission. 

 

Clint and Thor stood in front of the elevator, faces grim; the elevator dinged. Steve exited with red rimmed eyes. Clint didn’t need to ask to know he had just come from Nat’s room.

 

“Where are you two going?” He asked, clearly trying to disguise the hurt in his voice with curiosity. He wondered what Natasha had said to him, when she had snapped Clint’s heart in two she hadn’t been gentle but she had never loved Clint. What words would she use to push the man she did love far far away from her, he knew it wasn’t going to work because even  _ he  _ had come crawling back and they became best friends.

 

“We are going to the Director to ask for his blessing on Barton’s trip to see my brother.” Steve's eyes widen and he said nothing but stepped back into the elevator.  _ Damn,  _ he was going to go tell Nat; whatever she had said wasn’t enough for Steve to not tell her this.

 

“Cap, weren’t you gonna get off on this floor?” Might as well start shit sooner rather than later.

 

“No, wrong floor,” Steve said but he was so clearly lying that Clint’s first thought was He would be disappointed.   

 

Clint rolled his eyes and let it slide, nothing was going to stop him from going anyway. 

 

*

 

Steve got off before them, of course, because he got off at Natasha’s floor. 

 

When Thor and Clint got to the ground floor of the tower, Clint called a car to take them to the inconspicuous building that housed most of S.H.I.E.L.D's New York division, the place he met his S.H.I.E.L.D. appointed therapist, and the place that Nick Fury was most assuredly at. When Clint spotted Natasha storming towards him, he wished he had called the car service before they had gotten into the elevator, then they’d already be on the way to Fury.

 

“Barton, can we talk somewhere in private?” Clint was so tired, so tired of always talking around in circles when people asked him about Loki, tired of bemoaning his time brainwashed when all he wanted was to be with Him again.

 

“Nat, me and Thor are going somewhere. Can it wait till we get back?” Clint knew why she was here, he knew Steve had told her but he supposed he wasn’t supposed to know so he acted ignorant.

 

“It’s about where you’re going actually.”

 

“Is it?” 

 

“Yes! I don’t think going to Asgard and  _ meeting  _ Loki will be good for you.” Natasha did not show emotions without any gain, to be honest everyone in S.H.I.E.L.D. did the same, and now she looked furious. Clint had never seen her deploy this tactic and he had no idea how to reciprocate correctly. So he stayed silent.

 

Steve grabbed her wrist and Clint hadn’t even noticed him entered, “Nat, stop.” His voice was so soft and protecting but she didn’t turn she did, however, break eye contact with Clint.

 

“Steve–”

 

“Just let him go,” And  _ that  _ made Natasha turn around, “Maybe it’s time we let Barton decide how to take care of himself.”

 

Natasha looked back at Clint hard, “Fine, but come back with your head on straight. I told you from the beginning this wasn’t something worth trying to examine deeply because it would only hurt you. And now you’re digging deeper so for your sake and mine please be okay after this.”

 

She hugged him and walked away with Steve. Clint was tired. He heard honking. The car was here.

 

*

 

“Barton, why should I allow you to go on a trip to visit the genocidal alien that enslaved you and tried to take over our planet instead of locking you up for even asking me such a stupid ass question?”

 

“This will be a good confrontation for my brother,” Thor interrupted, “I think it will cause remorse in him. I will also look over the visit, you have no reason to worry for Barton.”

 

Fury sighed, “What did Odin say?”

 

“He agreed.” Clint and Thor both said, neither added how they hadn’t actually asked yet.

 

“Damn, you two are going to go no matter what I say to you.” He sneered slightly after he spoke, “This is not an easy decision for me to make but go. Barton, you’re a good agent and if this is what it’ll take to get you back on your feet, then fine. But I expect you to go back to regular missions  _ and  _ Avengers assignments afterward.”

 

Clint realized that his need was going to put Fury under fire instead of just him and he almost wanted to not go, almost. He just nodded.

 

Thor looked over at Clint and said, “You have our thanks.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.” It was a dismissal so they both left. 

 

“Should I pack stuff? I’m not sure how this is going to go.” Clint asked right after the door closed behind them. He couldn’t believe Fury hadn’t put up more of a fight, maybe Clint had been pretending to be fine even worse than he had thought. 

 

“No,” Thor said thoughtfully, “We will provide everything for you.”

 

He turned to face Clint and he stared at Clint intensely, it was different from His gaze but it did strike Clint all the same. Thor looked away when he was satisfied and Clint’s initial thought was Loki would have kissed him when he was done.

 

“Let’s leave now.”

 

“Uh, now?”

 

“Yes, once we leave the building I will call for Heimdall and the Bifrost will open for us.”

 

“Oh, uh, yeah, okay, sure.” Clint was trying to muster up the courage.

 

When they were standing on the sidewalk in front of the brownstone Thor called to the sky, head thrown back, hair caressing his back and once more Clint lamented his love for the black sheep of the family when it just would be easier to love Thor. To have a love that would never need an explanation, a love that would never meet judgment, a love with a perception of innocence instead of perversion, that was what Clint saw in the few and far between moments when he found Thor beautiful.

 

“HEIMDALL!” He shouted as loud as he could and a shower of colorful lights graced them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First update of the month!!! I posted late in the day again which I'm sorry for but life is life and I've been interrupted writing this chapter and trying to post more than any other chapter yet. Anyway, I'm kinda worried about the way I write Natasha because she's not the most consistent throughout the MCU and trying to accurately depict how she would react to certain situation is not the easiest for me. I hope you guys didn't miss me too much (just a little, I hope you missed me a little) when I didn't post last weekend. Also, last chapter was Beta read by my lovely best friend who has basically no social media and can't get a shoutout but we're back to normal now which means this was not Beta read and all your comments, kudos, and general support is very much appreciated but that never changes.


	10. Chapter 10

Loki let himself fall into a pit of despair as soon as the muzzle had been strapped around his mouth. He knew the truth, he had no real desire to rule Midgard the throne he longed for was far far away. There was no way to become king of Midgard or Asgard but at least he would never have to face the Other and  _ him  _ ever again. At least he would die a quick death at Odin’s hands and not face the never ending torture the Other promised.

 

The trip on the Bifrost had been short, he had no time to prepare for the ‘trail’.

 

He wanted to apologize to his mother, the only person in his adopted family that loved him would always love him but he felt himself say, “ Hello, Mother. Have I made you proud?”

 

Words laced with insincerity, like always. 

 

*

 

The pit only deepened in solitary, he had no one.

 

*

 

And then one day a pinprick of light graced him. As he lay in his bed decaying away he heard a sob, in his ear as if someone was right next to him. He shot up and looked around confused. Another hitch in breath before he heard someone gasp his name.

 

He began pacing around his cell as the breathing started again, the voice was so familiar to him and he was not sure why or how he was hearing it.

 

“Loki, I, uh, I,” A short laugh, “I almost died today. Well, I was  _ left  _ to die today. Nothing will ever be the same as before you came here.”

 

Loki stopped in his tracks; was that voice Clint Barton’s? What sort of punishment was this? Was it not enough that they had not killed him and instead lengthened his agony for the rest of his life? Was it not enough that he’d go insane alone with no one to care for him? Was nothing enough?

 

“I miss you. You were my God and they took that from me, took you from me. I’ve been accepted back into S.H.I.E.L.D and it was the right thing to do but I’d give anything for you to be alive.”

 

Loki dragged his hands down his face, Norns, this was  _ prayer _ . 

 

And alive? Did Barton think him dead and at what point had he believed the voice was truly Barton’s and not a trick.

 

“I just–” And then he started sobbing, it was gut wrenching, Loki wished he could tear into his ears but suddenly and much more viciously he wished he was with Barton. 

 

You were mine, he thought, and you are still mine. This pain you feel from our separation can not and will not stand. 

 

*

 

It was not easy to follow the light to Barton and graft a connection Loki could travel on. First, Loki had to make a stable connection between the two of them that would not snap from the sheer distance between Asgard and Midgard. Then he needed to create an environment to house the connection, the first place that came to mind, bright and clear and warm, was the forest clearing his mother took him too oft when he was a young child. The tall, golden grass and the pond barely five minutes away, yes, this would work. (Loki did not dwell on how Godlike it all felt, to create a realm for him and his devotee. He had not answered a prayer for a long time, he had never had many disciples and he certainly never had one as devout as Barton. If he thought too long on it he became intoxicated with just the thought.)

 

The work was long and every day his mind threatened to succumb to the twin weights of loneliness and resentment but he persisted for Barton’s sake, the only being that needed him. His worshiper.

 

And every day, like clockwork truly, Barton would pray. His low voice was Loki’s comfort. One day Barton sighed and recollected on their short time together before begging Loki to give him some sort of answer. Loki had to test out the connection.

 

*

 

“It’s beautiful here, isn't it?”  Loki was standing near him, “I frequented this place with my mother often when I was young.” Loki noticed that Barton’s mind was reciprocating to the magic very well and helping to maintain the stability. He was afraid his brain would reject it but it seemed to do the opposite; he was impressed.

 

Loki was so close but he didn’t touch, unsure of how his actual visage would make Barton feel. To face a rejection from him would be the last straw for Loki, he would be careful this time and observe Barton. But he seemed at peace even when he looked up at Loki.

 

“Why…” Could he not see? Loki was not good at the truth and knew not how to convey his gratitude and he could not explain his punishment, his loneliness to him. He would not burden Barton in such a way.

 

“Why am I telling you this? You've told me so much I thought it only fair to give you something in return.”

 

Barton nodded as if he understood but he couldn’t, he had no idea what he meant to Loki.

  
  


This was how he continued, creating places to meet Barton with the connection. The first kiss left him dizzy, which he would never admit. Barton tasted like life and the connection broke not long after. He would’ve been ashamed to admit that he had spent time after the connection broke trying to restabilize it to see Barton again, to kiss Barton again –Loki loved his mouth, touching it, kissing it, those soft, fragile mortal lips– but it wouldn’t connect. Barton’s mind wasn’t accepting the magic. He thought perhaps it was just for the moment but the abruptness of the end of their last connection completely broke the dreamscape he had created. 

 

Barton didn’t stop praying and the agony of hearing him but not being able to interact ruined him. He thought the pit would swallow him whole; he was powerless. Nothing he did improved the connection, in fact, it felt weaker, it felt like he was losing Barton. 

 

He couldn’t quite grasp Barton’s outstretched hand until, “Stark showed me this website about you and it just made me feel a little inadequate and then you haven’t been...I don’t know. I’m just sorry if I did something wrong.”

 

In Barton’s ultimate acceptance of the end of their connection, Loki could see two paths forming. One where he took what he wanted and one where eventually he would no longer hear Barton and the connection would fade away entirely. He was going to take what he wanted.

 

When his mother told him of Thor’s visit to Midgard the opportunity to see Barton was too perfect to pass up. So perfect that he was surprised when Barton seemed genuinely distressed by the idea. Loki was not willing to lose the only person to offer themselves on his altar because of miscommunication on his part, he should have made it more obvious that he was answering his prayers from the start. Some part of Loki needed Barton in front of him as proof that he hadn’t already lost it and was wishing up a lover for his own sake. 

 

*

 

The trip to Asgard was nauseating even though it lasted five seconds at max; Clint thought he was going to vomit all over the literal gold floor.

 

“My friend?”

 

“I’m good, I’m good.” Clint was bent over, hands on his knees and using all his energy to keep the world from spinning.

 

“Thor?” A deep voice called attention to itself, Clint looked up and saw a man that fitted the setting he was in perfectly. With dark skin and striking gold eyes, Clint felt pinned by his gaze.

 

Thor looked up in acknowledgment.

 

“Your father wishes to speak with you.”

 

“Thank you.” A grim look fell over Thor’s face as he beckoned Clint to follow him.  

 

*

 

Standing in the throne room all Clint was struck with was how unimpressive Odin was. All Clint could hope was that he wouldn’t have to spend time with Odin and find out first hand why all quivered before an old man.

 

“I granted you–after your incessant begging– to travel to Midgard and Heimdall comes before me with word of you convincing Midgard to allow you to bring a mortal here? Was this the purpose of your visit?”

 

“Father–” Odin cut him off as if Thor had not tried to speak.

 

“He does not belong here, Thor, nor will he ever. Guards!” Clint tensed, ready to fight.

 

“Father, let him see Loki!”

 

“What purpose will that serve, Loki is to remain imprisoned till the end of his days whether he feels remorse for his actions or not. And perhaps you do not know your brother well because this mortal will not cause him to understand the path of destruction he has laid across the nine realms.”

 

What a great dad, Clint thought as he gritted his teeth at the blatant disrespect to his God.

 

“You do not know Barton but he is a great hero on Midgard and I am asking you, not to think of Loki, but think of his sanity. Barton was one of the mortals put under Loki’s spell and this meeting will help Clint further regain his mind.”

 

“If you help me,” Clint interrupted, not bothering to sugar coat to the hag in front of him, “then you’ll have all of Earth’s thanks or whatever. If you turn me away I doubt SHIELD will make it very easy for Thor to come visit anymore.”

 

“Do you threaten?”

 

“I’m just stating facts. Look you’ve made it clear that you’re unhappy with the state Loki left the universe in but stopping me isn’t going to help Asgard’s relationship with Earth at all.”

 

Odin sat clearly upset with what Clint had said, all Clint could hope was that Odin either valued Asgard’s relationship with Earth for Asgard’s sake or for Thor’s sake.  

 

“Fine. My hands are tied in this manner, you will have your visit with Loki but let it be known that I tried to stop you.”

 

Clint nodded, he didn’t need to be kept away from Loki like everyone thought, he needed to be near Him. 

 

*

 

Clint and Thor stood near the first step of the staircase that lead to the dungeons. 

 

“Thor, can I talk to Him alone?”

 

Thor was taken aback, “My friend, that is a terrible idea. Someone must be present, we can not evacuate the dungeons of its guards or a riot will most assuredly break out.”

 

“What? Is Loki in a group cell? Why can’t I go into His room alone?”

 

“Ah, yes, you know not of how the dungeons function on Asgard. Follow me.”

 

Clint was expecting dank, dark corridors with rooms to the side, rusty steel bars in the front of cages, he expected to inhale and be greeted with the smell of mold. Instead, he was greeted by the most high tech jail he had ever seen. 

 

“How does it work?” He asked Thor and Thor just kinda shrugged. Which, fair, Clint wasn’t sure how most technology he handled worked, he could only hear because of his hearing aids but they might as well be magic with how well he understood them.

 

“My brother’s cell is the second to the left.” Clint had to stop himself from running forward but he couldn’t stop himself from fast walking. The distance seemed to go on forever and it especially felt so when he heard Thor whisper his name.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I– I am afraid I can not go any further, this is your visit, not mine.” 

 

“What?”

 

“Loki will dwell on our past wastes instead of yours if I come within his sight or earshot.”

 

“Oh, ok,” Clint shot a thumbs up and got a shaky smile in return.

 

Clint got to the cell eventually after an eternity walking.

 

He didn’t realize he was looking at the floor until he heard, uncertainly, “Hawkeye?”

 

Clint looked up and their gazes crossed.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok tried something a little different with Loki's POV and I'm not sure if it's any good lemme know what you think. Also next week I'm again not gonna be able to post, I'm going on vacation! So next update should be out Wednesday, 8/16. I promise next chapter that we'll actually see Clint and Loki interact. As always this is not Beta read, all mistakes are my own, and support in all forms is super appreciated. Also, shout out to Yashida because of you and your theorizing I took at try at the Loki POV, so thank you especially for your support.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The meeting

Loki smiled at him, a soft true smile and Clint’s heart melted.

 

Clint realized he had no idea what to say and it seemed Loki felt the same. Clint was often lost for words in His presence but he was not used to the reverse.

 

“Welcome to Asgard.”

 

“Thanks, uh, how does it work?”

 

“The prison? There is a heat spell embedded in all of the golden…” He smirked slightly, “What would _you_ call this?”

 

“The force field?”

 

“There is a heat spell embedded in all of the force fields, as you call them, and anti magic spells in my cell specifically.”

 

Clint went to touch the vibrating force field when he heard Loki tut, “What did I just say.”

 

Clint drew his hand back and nodded. He had so much he wanted to say to Him but everywhere he turned there was a new person and this was a private issue. Clint went to turn to ask Thor about privacy again before being approached by a woman. She wore simple, understated clothing and had her hair tied in a low, loose ponytail but still seemed far too graceful and fragile for the environment she was in.

 

“A room has been prepared for you two.”

 

Loki hadn’t said anything since she had approached Clint but rolled His eyes at her words.

 

“Uh, I hadn’t even asked yet.” Clint was confused and there seemed to be a tension between this woman and Loki.

 

“Yes,” The woman agreed, “You have yet to ask but my mistresses knows much and foresaw your need.”

 

“Your mistress?”

 

“Queen Frigga.” “This is my mother’s handmaid, Fulla.” The woman and Loki spoke at the same time.

 

“How has my mother swayed Odin on this, Fulla?”

 

She maintained eye contact with Clint, completely ignoring Loki, “Mortal, please follow me.”

 

Clint looked back to Loki and must have looked so lost because Loki nodded and Fulla whispered, “Guards will come and escort Loki in a moment.”

 

Clint followed her and noticed the golden aura around her, he had thought it was from the light of the force field but it seemed she glowed golden no matter what. She led him out of the dungeon and he noticed Thor was gone.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

She turned back him, shocked he was speaking to her, “Yes, child?”

 

“Where’s Thor?”  
  
“I dismissed him.” She turned back and kept walking.

 

They came to the door to the room and Clint quivered before turning the knob, he knew Loki was not on the other side but he didn’t know what was. Perhaps this was all a grand trap, Clint felt he had been lying to everyone well but if that Heimdall could see all the way to Earth then he would’ve heard Clint praying at some point and if Asgard knew then Clint was–

 

“Go inside.” Fulla urged, seemingly confused by Clint’s hesitation. He didn’t know what to say to make him not seem the overly paranoid mortal so he turned the knob.

 

The room was mostly empty and plain, there were a few comfortable chairs and a table. Clint didn’t have to wait long before the door opened again. Two armored men came in followed by a heavily chained Loki, even in all the chains a smugness oozed off of Him and He directed a lazy smirk at Clint. The guards left and Loki sat in one of the chairs, He was relaxed, hands draped in between parted legs.

 

“We’re alone, you may speak freely now.”

 

“Do you know why I’m here?” Clint asked because asking are we sharing dreams was insane.

 

“I asked you to come,” He smiled, “And here you are. Barton, come, lavish your worship unto me.”

 

Clint felt himself climb into Loki’s lap,“It was real?” Loki kissed his neck, “Not just a dream? All of it?” At that Loki laughed and Clint wrapped his arms around Him and relished at the fact that it was his God solid and warm in his arms. He pulled back and kissed Loki, He took control easily pushing Clint’s mouth open and brushing His tongue over Clint’s bottom lip. Clint felt Loki place His hands on Clint’s thighs and squeeze, the whole endeavor was already leaving him breathless.

 

So the dreams were real, some part of Clint had always known but admitting it to himself when he was sure he would never actually meet Loki again was too painful to handle, thinking it was his own head made everything so much easier. But he could escape the truth no longer, he was in Asgard in Loki’s arms. It was all real, it had always been real.   


Clint was suddenly struck with a thought and it must have shown because Loki asked, “What is it, my heart?”

 

“How… how were you able to get into my dreams?”

 

“You were the one reaching across the stars and connecting to me, Barton. I only gripped onto the hand _you_ extended.” Loki brushed His thumb across Barton’s mouth and they both tried not to flinch at the jingle of the chains, “You have so much faith, enough to propel your prayer all the way from Midgard.”

 

Clint nodded and Loki smiled again, it was so different from what he was used to; on Earth, during the invasion, Loki grimaced and frowned and smirked but never smiled the way He had begun doing around Clint. This soft, loving smile– the smile that made Clint’s heart sing.

 

Clint was at peace, unafraid and yet he still said, “I don’t want to leave.” Now that they were together the thought of being apart made Clint feel sick.

 

“I have grown rather fond of you, my hawk.” Every word was very measured, “And I will not allow the separation to continue for long, you need not worry.”

 

“What are you going to do?”  
  
“Hush, do not burden yourself with such thoughts.” Clint had to force himself to stay silent, because if there was anything he could do to help in Loki’s plan than he would. “You will return to Midgard once this visit is over and continue praying and all will be fine. Trust me.”

 

“Okay, yeah.” Clint looked at Him and saw that searching look in His eyes but it faded much faster than when they were in their dreams.

 

There was a pounding at the door.

 

“No.” Clint moaned quietly, he wanted to scream.

 

“Always so short our time together.” Loki’s face was devoid of all emotions, “Rise, Barton.”

 

The noise sounded again and Barton rose to answer it, this time he couldn’t help but flinch at the noise Loki’s chains made when he stood. He couldn’t get over how wrong it was that they had chained up Loki. It was the biggest disrespect he could imagine.

 

Clint opened the door to see Thor, “My father wants to speak with us.”

 

“Again?”

 

“Yes.” His face was stoic and he refused to even so much as look in Loki’s direction. “Follow me, the guards will take care of the prisoner once we leave.”  


Clint wanted to ask what had happened to Thor when he and Loki had been meeting because before he had seemed remorseful towards him and Loki and now he seemed resentful.

 

Clint wanted to turn around and get one last look at Loki before leaving Him for Clint didn’t know how long but knew for the sake of future meetings he couldn’t.

 

Thor left and Clint followed.

 

*

 

As Frigga had aged her clairvoyance seemed to fade, when she was very young she saw much and often. As a babe, she knew little of Asgard and the Aesir but knew one day she would be their Queen, would sire no heirs but have two children all the same. They were confusing visions (the sight of the gaudy golden city in comparison to all that she knew as a child, the mellow, earthy, regal tones of Vanaheim). When she was wed to Odin to resolve the Aesir-Vanir war, she foresaw their first child entering their life soon. And soon Thor was placed into her hands. And then the battle of Midgard began and her powers seemed to fade but in exchange, she was given her first gift from the Norns since her first vision as a small girl, her beautiful second son. She could see nothing of his future when she first looked upon him and it gave her great joy. She would oft look upon someone and see all to know of their life and in being able to see a person’s death so soon she would close herself off to other nonclairvoyants. Such a personal rule had made the adjustment to Asgard hard, it was a land ruled by blood and brute force with magic going unappreciated.  

 

But Loki, she knew nothing of _him_ and so she swore that she would do her best by him as a mother. As the years would pass she would wish for the return of her clairvoyance, especially in relation to Loki (if only she could visit Vanaheim again and see if her home realm would restore it to her) and especially after she put Gungnir into Loki’s hand.

 

But now it all had passed and that morning as she looked out over the golden city she had come to appreciate she saw again; there were two possibilities: a mortal would come and speak to her son, either in private or in front of too many prying eyes. And in private the mortal, _his_ mortal, brought great peace to her son and she had promised Loki when she first laid eyes on him to do her best for him.

 

She sent Fulla and told her to bring the mortal to an empty room and have the guards guide her son to the same place. She would ask her husband for forgiveness instead of permission.

 

Hours passed from the morning and Frigga was informed by a guard that her husband wanted her to witness his passing judgment on their guest, _showtime._

 

*

 

Clint came once more to the throne room and saw Odin’s furious face.

 

“Mortal, who gave you permission to speak with Loki in private? What was your purpose in coming here.”

 

“The woman who took me to the room said Loki’s mom said it was okay.” Clint spoke defiantly even though his words were not picked the most carefully. Thor turned his head his head to stare at Clint and Odin looked as if he was ready to scream but couldn’t because a woman entered the room from off the side.

 

“My dear, I hope you are not preparing to punish this man for my faults.”

 

*

 

Odin did not understand anything of the situation, Frigga knew this. From the start, Odin had had a hard time with Loki when he had shown how different he was from Thor. He had struggled to erase his prejudices against men like Loki, men that used the magic in the universe for their bidding. He had struggled with Loki’s less voracious appetite. He had struggled when Loki spent much of his childhood mute. He had always struggled with Loki and Loki had always struggled to please his father. And when they both finally realized he would never be Thor all had been lost. Since Loki’s fall Frigga had been trying to hold her family together but it was hard when it felt like it was her and Loki against Odin and Thor.

 

She was still doing her best by Loki but the rest of her family had wiped their hands of him so how could they ever understand why she had allowed the mortal man to see him.

 

“Your faults?”

 

“I granted him permission to speak with our son in private.”

 

“Mother.” Thor was so angry and hurt by his brother that he knew not what to do but to react as Loki egged on and so, of course, Thor would want to keep Loki away from his love. “What if Loki had hurt Barton? Would that be your fault as well?”  
  
“What do you mean, Thor. What would Loki gain from that?”

 

“Barton is one of the men that fell under Loki’s spell during the invasion. Why would Loki not take the opportunity to hurt him?”  
  
This she knew not of, all she knew of was this man’s love for her son. She looked into his eyes and they both knew the truth.

 

“But he did not,” She said while maintaining eye contact with the mortal. “Have some faith in Loki.”

 

She knew the look on Odin’s face well, it was confusion. He would not ask for Frigga’s opinion of what to do with the mortal man but he desired it.

 

“Send the man home when you please but should we not at least let him stay the night?”

 

“Yes, fine. You will be escorted to a room for the night and be guided back to the Bifrost in the morning to return to your realm.”

 

The mortal man nodded, Frigga wondered what he was thinking of in a place so far from home, so far from his comforts. Two servant woman eventually came forward and took him away.

 

*

 

The Queen of Asgard knew and she hadn’t told. Clint didn’t understand but he was glad and relieved that she had convinced Odin to let him stay the night.

 

“Excuse me,” He said to the plain dressed woman in front of him (for the second time he remarked although it was a different woman), “Is there any way I could get something to eat before retiring for the night?”

 

The two women looked at each other and nodded, “We can sneak you something.”

 

“Thank you.” They gestured towards a room and Clint entered. There was a small bed, wooden table and a few chairs. Everything was incredibly plain (it was most likely for a servant) but still beautiful and regal. It made Clint think of his vision of what his dorm room would look like when he finally got to college back when he still thought he could go to college.

 

He sat on the bed and reflected on the day, a lot had happened. He still couldn’t believe it was all real. He flopped back and took a breath and then another and then another. He sucked in to take another and then started laughing hysterically. Here he was the bow and arrow guy, just a human in a bedroom in Asgard waiting to be served dinner so he could go to bed after getting to physically worship at the altar of his God, if only for a moment. Everything about the situation was ridiculous, like one big cosmic joke.

 

He heard a soft knock at the door, his stomach supplied all the desire to bounce up and stride across the room to open the door to see the one of the women with a tray. She handed it to him and ducked away blushing, _oh_ he hoped she didn’t–ah well.    

 

He ate quickly: some sort of meat on a stick, two pieces of bread, cooked cabbage and a cheese like yogurt. The ingredients made a half decent sandwich. He placed the tray down and drank the water he was also given before resigning himself to bed.

 

He undressed to his boxers and climb under the sheets. He didn’t need to pray but he was going to, it’d probably get a laugh out of Loki.

 

“Hey, just letting you know I’m alright. I’m staying the night here so right now we’re probably only a dozen feet apart from each other. It’ll be easier to sleep knowing you’re so close. Good night.”

 

Clint didn’t expect to share a dream but of course they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! My vacation was very very nice but I'm also very happy that I get to update again. This fic is making me wanna study Norse mythology in an academic setting. I’m assuming Freyja and Frigg are the same goddesses and the two of them are Frigga in MCU verse. Also, everything you know abt vanaheim in the MCU, throw it out cause its hot garbage. Like the MCU was really like it's underdeveloped, no fuck that. Anyway, as always this fic is not beta read and all support is very appreciated by this author :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The return home doesn't go as planned.

At first, he wasn’t sure if he was asleep because he was in the bedroom he went to sleep in but then he felt arms encircle him and whipped his head back to see Loki.

 

“Let us do what we could not in the time given to us.” His words were dripping with purpose. 

 

“Yeah.” He felt like a bit of an idiot just saying yeah but there wasn’t much else he could manage at the moment. 

 

Loki kissed down his neck, “You came to see me and I couldn’t even– do you know how hard I struggled to contain myself? How deeply I wanted to make you whine and sob and moan, Barton?” 

 

“Loki.” Clint whimpered as He sucked at Clint’s neck, right at the point where it slopped into his shoulder.

 

Clint grinded back against Loki and He chuckled, “This was what I wanted when you were in my arms. In fact, I’d like to try something.”

 

Loki stepped back, “Undress.”

 

Clint obeyed and Loki kissed him deep, shaping their mouths together and pushing Clint’s mouth open before pushing His tongue in.

 

“Good boy.” He murmured and Clint sighed in reverence. “On the chair, facing the chair, arms on the arms and legs apart.”

 

And Clint obeyed, he was shivering slightly and the chill made him more acutely aware of his position, bare for Loki’s eyes.

 

“Stunning.” He said Clint could feel Loki’s breath ghost over his lower back and smiled when the praise reached his ears. Whenever Loki whispered words of appraisal to Clint he felt warmth begin to pool in the pit of his stomach. It was something he could get addicted to, something that could cause white hot arousal if fanned long enough but Loki didn’t push it often. Clint was so absorbed in the praise that he didn’t realize why Loki had wanted him in such an open position.

 

Loki’s tongue was wet, solid, warm and perfect against Clint’s hole. Clint instinctively flinched forward and Loki pulled him back.

 

“Stay still.” He growled, voice thick with arousal; He spread Clint’s ass open wider, holding his cheeks apart, before diving back in. All of Clint’s focus was on staying still like He said but it was so hard when he felt Loki push deeper and shape his mouth perfectly against Clint’s hole. 

 

Clint had never been eaten out before but now that it was happening he thought he could die, it was heavenly. He could come just from Loki’s tongue massaging his insides like it was a thing to do. 

 

“Loki, please.” Clint whimpered and he felt Loki pull back.

 

“What?” He asked viciously.

 

“I’m gonna– fuck I can’t”

 

Loki hummed thoughtfully before picking Clint up so He could sit in the chair. He unlaced His pants and withdrew His cock, even in his blissed out state Clint recognized that Loki was clothed more often than not in their sexual encounters. It felt like a power play.

 

“Sit.” Loki commanded and Clint felt himself shift from foot to foot. He reached out and went to pull back before Loki grabbed his wrist and guided it to His shoulders, Clint gripped His shoulders tightly and climbed up. He took in a shaking breath and lowered himself onto His cock. 

 

Loki was big, Clint had almost forgotten. Clint was stretched out around Him, filled up. He panted and swore.

 

“Come now.” Loki swatted at his ass, Clint gripped his shoulders harder and started to move. Clint had to start slow because otherwise, he was pretty sure Loki would rip him apart. He sat all the way down in a slow circular motion and was rewarded with Loki groaning. Clint did it again as he pulled himself up and he thought he was killing Loki.

 

“You alright?”

 

“Yes, don’t stop. You feel–  _ Norns _ .” Loki was gripping at his waist and panting, Clint saw how dilated his pupils were, the green nearly gone. Clint leaned forward and kissed Him, Loki returned it with a fervor, Clint whimpered and Loki grabbed his shoulders and then rubbed up and down his body.

 

Clint shivered and rode Loki with more speed and all he could think about was how absurdly aroused Loki was and how happy Loki’s arousal made him. Clint was able to give this to Him somehow, it was an honorable talent.  

 

He felt Loki scratch down his back to grab at him and move him up and down on His cock.

 

“Wait–fuck, I’m gonna–” Clint stammered as he tried to grip onto Loki’s forearms.

 

“I’m close too.” Loki purred and held Clint tighter. It hurt like hell and Clint was going to say something, he was but then Loki wrapped His hand around his cock. Clint buckled and let Loki take the reins completely; he rested his head on Loki’s shoulder and let Loki finish them both off.

 

As they both came down from their orgasms Loki slowly pulled him up off His lap. Clint could feel His come dripping down his legs.

 

“You’re about to wake up.” Loki sighed and pulled Clint closed.

 

He kissed his forehead.  

 

Clint awoke to a knock at the door. Shifted himself to at least try to hide his flagrant erection and opened the door. 

 

The Queen of Asgard stood in front of him, he hadn't gotten a good look at her the day before but seeing her up close confirmed a theory Clint had started to form. Everyone in Asgard was ridiculously attractive. 

 

She startled for a moment, “You– you are coated in my son’s magic. But that is not the reason I have come to see you,” She walked into the room and closed the door behind her before placing her hand on the heavy door and closing her eyes. Clint wanted to ask her what she was doing but she was done quickly and spoke rapidly. “If you are to see my son again, and you must, when you arrive back to your realm you will tell your masters of Loki’s taking to you and then twist it to their advantage. If they want you to interrogate him, then agree. Do you understand?”   
  
“Yes, ma'am,” 

 

She smiled and said, “I can see why my youngest favors you.” before turning away and leaving. 

 

Clint sighed, he truly did not want to return to Earth and SHIELD and the Avengers but he pulled on his clothes all the same. 

 

*

 

He arrived alone and in front of the tower, he was even more nauseous than when he had arrived. He shut his eyes to give himself a moment of reprieve and he realized New York was really quiet. He opened his eyes and looked around, he was downtown with all the hustle and bustle he was used to so why? Someone bumped into him and said something to him and he didn’t hear a thing. He couldn’t hear a thing.

 

_ Damn. _

 

He had noticed that he had had to strain to hear people a bit in Asgard, it must have been the Bifrost, there had to be something about it that fucked with his hearing aids. On the way there it weakened them and the return trip completely broke them. Actually the more he thought about it the more he realized it probably wasn't even magic but just the immense pressure and insane speed that the Bifrost inflicts on its travelers. 

 

So, he needed to get new hearing aids, he had his backup pair back on his floor…  _ shit,  _ he was wearing his backup pair.

 

He sighed, he hated navigating the world without his hearing aids. 

 

He remembered his promise to Fury and Nat and felt dread seep in more. He was going to be out of commission for a while; Clint was barely a person in the eyes of the United States government, all of his medical, housing, work,  _ life,  _ SHIELD took care of and he had no idea how long it would take for them to get him new hearing aids. He took the elevator to the kitchen floor, all the same, he hadn’t even had breakfast in Asgard.

 

He threw together a sandwich and was eating when he felt a hand clamp down on his shoulder. Steve spun Clint around till they were facing,  _ God, no.  _ Clint could tell from the look on his face that Steve had been trying to talk to him since he had seen Clint at the counter.

 

“Barton. ??? long have you been ????”

 

Clint Barton really hated his life as he ate his sandwich and tried to decipher Steve Roger’s words. 

 

*

 

“Barton! ?????????????????????”

 

Clint had somehow found himself in Fury’s office, he had dissociated sometime after telling Steve that he couldn’t hear him. For Clint it was always traumatizing to explain to people how he couldn’t hear them. Nat didn’t even know, the only people that did were Fury and Coulson, and now Steve. He couldn’t only hope the number wouldn’t increase.

 

Clint wasn’t sure why everyone was still trying to talk to him, he couldn’t hear. He had communicated that he couldn’t hear. Everything was like the Charlie Brown movies from when he was younger, the  _ wawawah  _ of the adults trying to speak, a language indecipherable. How hard was it to write something down? He was handed a piece of paper just as he thought that.

 

_ You’re benched for right now until we can sort everything out for replacement hearing aids. It may take awhile. _

 

As expected, Clint was pretty sure he was the only deaf person working in SHIELD or at least the only one he knew. SHIELD would have to engineer their own and although it would take no time for Stark to make him a new pair he couldn’t ask him. He was already a burden on the team, had been since Manhattan he couldn’t ask.

  
He sighed, and fought the urge to tear up the paper, he was going to have to tell the rest of the team,  _ if Rogers hadn’t already.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, firstly I don't think being deaf is something to be ashamed of but for Clint, it is certainly a soft spot (I mean Fraction's Hawkeye and AVAC Hawkeye fall into depression when their hearing aids break) and I wanted to incorporate that into my story. Secondly, related to the story but also not, why isn't there a plot with porn tag on Ao3 cause that's how I would describe this story as opposed to PWP. Anyway, sorry for the late update I had errands to run all day I'm moving into college and out of my house for the first time in like eight days!! So I just got around to editing and posting. As always this isn't Beta read so all mistakes are my own and every bit of support is my life blood.


	13. Chapter 13

Clint wasn’t sure how he had come to stand in front of Nat but he could tell that she was distressed. She would not cry, Clint had never seen her cry and he would die without ever seeing her cry. It was a simple truth. Another simple truth was that Clint was deaf and ashamed and a  _ liar.  _ Natasha kept pointing at one statement that she wrote:  _ Why wouldn’t you tell me?  _

 

And she kept pointing as if maybe the answer would change from being,  _ I didn’t want you to think less of me  _ or  _ I barely belong in SHIELD, I don’t belong on the Avengers already  _ or  _ Please, please just please stop asking me.  _

 

He somehow pried the paper from her hand and wrote:  _ I don’t know, Nat, I’m sorry. _

 

“Clint, it’s not something to be sorry for.” She looked furious. He wasn’t sure if that was what she had said but he wanted it to be so he let it be what she said and nodded. She buried her hands in her face and Clint hoped she wouldn’t say anything to him because he couldn’t even lip read like that. 

 

She turned the paper to her and wrote fluidly, calmly; like a lake Nat would sometimes face disturbances but she always went back to the calm surface.  _ This is going to be very difficult.  _

 

Clint nodded again.

 

She wrote again:  _ And oh so inconveniently, Stark left right after Thor and you did. I don’t know where he is. So we’ll actually have to wait for SHIELD to issue you new ones. _

 

He nodded again and felt dumb but he didn’t want to respond too loudly and see her flinch from the volume. 

 

She looked so miserable and although Clint was stuck in his self-pity he couldn’t help but want to cheer up his best friend so he grabbed the paper, twirled the pen in his hand and wrote:  _ Can you ask SHIELD to make them in purple? _

 

Her eyes scanned over the paper and she cracked a smile, a small fragile one but one all the same. She was probably feeling betrayed and heavy but Clint was still Clint would always be Clint and he had wanted to prove that to her.

 

He hadn’t even noticed she had started writing:  _ Of course :) What are we going to do about you working? _

 

He handed her the note from Fury, after he had been dismissed he had shoved the paper into his pocket and just left. He could see the rise of her chest that indicating she was sighing. She leaned back in her chair.

 

_ Steve told you right? How are you and him? _

 

She didn’t want to answer so Clint pointed at the paper, her grimace deepened and she snatched the pen from him, he hadn’t even noticed he had still been holding it. 

 

She wrote and wrote and then crossed it out and then wrote again:  _ What are you talking about? _

 

Clint rolled his eyes:  _ Fine, but the secrets thing should work both ways. _

 

She narrowed her eyes and said something Clint wasn’t quick enough to catch.

 

_ You’re right, but you know I don’t like anyone knowing the truth about me. We care about safety above all, people like us. I didn’t tell you about Steve because I didn’t want it to be true but I think I really care about him. Don’t tell anyone. _

 

Clint ripped the paper in half when he finished scanning the words and Nat smiled, something felt fixed even though Clint could never tell Nat about Loki and he wouldn’t be going on any missions anytime soon he felt like he got his best friend back. 

 

She stood and came around to hug him from behind, her head was on top of his and he felt vibrations so he knew she was speaking he just had no idea what words had passed through her mouth.

 

She left the room and Clint was left to contemplate what he was going to do while SHIELD more than likely forgot about him and his hearing aids. 

 

He tidied his room; he hadn’t even noticed how terribly he had been taking care of himself and his environment. It was in a complete disarray and since he literally had nothing better to do with his time he started cleaning. It was relaxing and mind numbing, he didn’t have to think about how he couldn’t hear anything or about the trauma that had caused it. 

 

He found a photo album, which was strange he didn’t even remember packing a photo album when he moved from his SHIELD sanctioned apartment to the tower. 

 

He flipped through it and found about ten pictures, he dropped the book and felt tears well in his eyes. He took the pictures out flipped through them again: they were all of him and Bobbi. Why hadn’t he burned them? Or done something,  _ anything  _ to get rid of them? 

 

The first one was one of him and Bobbi, young and happy, when he barely knew what he was getting into by joining SHIELD and when he could say SHIELD to her and only see confusion cross her face. She had her favorite Georgia Tech tee on. He couldn’t stomach that one for very long.

 

There was the two of them in her dorm, at the lab at Georgia Tech and later SHIELD, her and Dr. Calvin (he must have been the one that took the picture and forgot to give it to her), the two of them at SHIELD –she was in her trainee outfit he could vividly remember calling her adorable and then her shoving him playfully–  _ their wedding.  _ Clint stopped at the wedding picture before tossing them across the room. He couldn’t deal with those emotions at the moment and continued cleaning.

 

It took all day to clean (the pictures were still in a corner) but he felt proud of himself. He just wanted to feel at peace and the pristine condition that he normally never lived made him feel a lot calmer.

 

He stretched and smelled himself absentmindedly, time to shower. 

 

Getting out of the shower he felt refreshed, it was always nice to see a layer of sludge at the bottom of the shower and know that was no longer coating his body like a second skin. 

 

He pulled on a pair of boxers and checked every part of his room for any trace of a recording device or a camera, once he was satisfied no one would hear what was coming next he sat on the edge of his bed and prayed. 

 

He made sure to keep it short and could only hope that he kept it quiet as well. 

 

*

 

He felt dread seep in, he knew where he was and he knew it was a dream because of it. A hand clasped onto his shoulder and then spun him.

 

Loki was speaking and Clint couldn’t hear Him, he felt tears spill. He was frustrated, he had thought perhaps he wouldn’t have to think about how he didn’t have his hearing aids when he was a–fucking–sleep. 

 

“Loki,” Clint spoke, no, shouted if Loki’s wince was anything to go by, “I can’t hear you.”

 

Loki looked confused, “I can’t hear you.” Clint said again, he felt like a child. He remembered running with Barney and falling, his hearing aids had gone flying and he kept shouting  _ I can’t hear you  _ when Barney tried to talk to him. “I’m… I’m deaf. Can you write things for me?”

 

Loki pulled paper and a pen from thin air and wrote:  _ What does that word mean? _

 

“What?”

 

_ ‘Deaf,’ what does it mean? _

 

Clint could have laughed but didn’t and instead wiped his tears and wrote:  _ I can’t hear unless I have something in my ears to help me. _

 

_ I’ve never heard of such a phrase. Having your hearing taken from you is not unheard of in Asgard but there is no word for it. Are all humans like that? _

 

_ No, not all of us but some and some are born and some have it taken away. _

 

_ Which are you? _

 

Clint breath hitched and the campus of Georgia Tech morphed into his childhood home, Waverly, Iowa.

 

Clint turned and buried his face in Loki’s chest.

 

“Please don’t make me watch.” Loki’s arms encircled him and held him close.

 

Moments pass and eventually, he feels Loki’s hand stroke Clint’s hair. Clint looks up and Loki kisses his forehead.

 

He feels Loki press a paper into his hands:  _ Who was that? _

 

“Dad.”

 

Loki’s face falls drastically:  _ Let’s view a happier memory then, my heart. _

 

Clint nodded, full of relief.

 

The world morphed into a woods.

 

Clint smiled when he noticed a younger Loki fumbling around next to a taller man. Clint could tell the man wasn’t related to Him different features, poorer clothes. 

 

Loki is carrying something and he doesn’t care about it, it’s all in the face. The face of a petulant child having to do something he isn’t pleased with. He sets the package down and the man speaks while pointing at a strange fruit on the tree. 

 

Loki lifts his shoulders and dramatically lets them fall, such a drama queen even then.

 

Loki held up a bow and Clint perked up and looked back at his Loki. Loki kissed him and pointed at the memory, Clint looked at the kid and watched him use a bow far far too big for him. Clint frowned and said, “You had a horrible teacher.”

 

_ I hated it anyway _

 

“I could make you like it.” Loki kissed him on the head again and again as they watched the small child (smaller than average Clint realized which was strange because Loki was rather tall) struggle, fail and then succeed to shoot the fruit.  

 

Clint woke up smiling.    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaha posting with less than an hour left in the day so I can't get mad at myself for not posting today. But anyway I've had a hard time writing lately which is one of the reasons I'm posting so late, I've been busy packing and such yes but also I'm at a point in this story where I know what I want to happen and yet it's hard for me to get there. Anyway as a reader you don't have to worry about that lol. And about Bobbi and Clint in this chapter, I took a lot of actual facts about them from the comics but also changed it a bit because the comic world just can't fit into the MCU. Ok I hope you enjoyed this chapter and as always it's not beta read and all of your support is greatly appreciated.


	14. Chapter 14

Clint got into a routine before he could even realize it.

 

Get up, get ready, eat breakfast, practice alone on the range, eat lunch, practice alone with the punching bag while pretending to not notice Steve and Nat making eyes at each other, eat dinner with Bruce, mope around the rest of the evening, pray, dream about Loki and repeat.

 

It went on for weeks, he found out Thor didn’t have any plans to come back soon and so Clint didn’t have a good pity party member to get him to Asgard (no reason to even try the “I think he likes me” excuse Frigga told him to use), he found out Tony had gone ‘home’ back to California and therefore he would actually have to wait for SHIELD to build him new hearing aids and so he truly was not working anytime soon.

 

*

 

_I think perhaps something is going to change soon._

 

Clint read the paper over and over again before he looked back up at Loki, He seemed so worried that Clint felt the atmosphere of the dream change. They were in that field in the woods again, it had been sunny and golden like always but then Loki handed him the paper and the sky filled with clouds.

 

“Why do you think that?” Clint was still staring at the paper, he didn’t want to look back up again at His distraught face.

 

The words disappeared and replaced themselves with: _My mother has been acting… different._

 

“What does that mean?”

 

_She looks sad._

 

Clint smiled softly, “Maybe she’s just sad you’re in prison.”

 

_No, this is new, my imprisonment is not new._

 

Clint felt himself frown even as Loki lifted his face and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. He pointed at the crumpled piece of paper in Clint’s hand. He smoothed out the paper: _I shouldn’t worry you. Pretend nothing was said._

 

Clint sighed and nodded. Loki held him close to His body and Clint gripped Him tight, all he could think was don’t go, please. He wasn’t sure why the thought had crossed his mind but it gripped him and made his body go rigid.

 

Clint woke up anxious. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something very wrong was going to happen very soon, that Loki was right, that Frigga was right. Clint had already been living life on autopilot but somehow after the dream, it was as if it had been kicked to an even higher notch. All his days blurred together, he was barely getting any human interaction, he felt like he had been left in a sensory deprivation tank and forgotten. He wanted to wake up, to be let out but every time he spoke to Fury he was told to wait, give it time, SHIELD is busy with other more important items and they would get to him eventually.

 

It was phase two, Clint knew even without being involved, they were still continuing phase two in some capacity even without the Tesseract and Clint also knew that it was someway somehow going to blow up in their face. Too many opinionated voices (Rogers, Stark, and Nat) all fighting to be heard now that they had gone through with the Avengers Initiative for Manhattan. So Clint waited in his sensory deprivation chamber and hoped someone would come and save him or just pull the plug already. The dreams were the only thing keeping him going until they stopped.

 

It was a gradual descent into despair. It was a textbook relationship with grief. The first night Clint woke up from dreamless sleep he conceded to himself that it was a fluke, an accident, a mistake and surely something that wouldn’t happen again. It continued like that for few days, Clint hadn’t stopped praying so it made no sense as to why they weren’t connecting. And then he was furious at himself mostly but also at Loki, he couldn’t believe he had let himself get so dependent on another person. He couldn’t believe he had broken his hearing aids visiting him, he couldn’t believe he had gone to Asgard just to see him! He couldn’t believe Loki hadn’t pushed him further away. And then he thought perhaps something had gone wrong with the connection and if he just waited, _if he just waited,_ then everything would go back to normal, that he would see Him again. And so he waited and nothing happened, it didn’t go back to normal and that was when it got bad. He was completely deprived, he broke his routine and subconsciously decided he was just going to stay in his bedroom until something changed.  

 

Nat found him like that, after a week of starvation, dehydration and oversleeping. When she shook him awake she looked detached and almost frightened. The light over her made a striking halo, a patron saint of emotional distancing.

 

_What’s wrong?_

 

He couldn’t tell her, could barely speak but he looked, really looked at her beyond the bright lights and saw her distress. And he wasn’t talking and her distress was deepening.

 

_You were doing well!_

 

She wasn’t angry at him but at the world for hurting her friend, for not knowing how to help him when he needed help so desperately. Clint was miserable and was close to making peace with, _oh so close,_ but Nat wasn’t allowed to be that miserable so he let her carry him to the bathroom and he bathed himself and she made him eat and drink and it wasn’t till they were sitting next to each other, shoulder to shoulder, on the coach that she seemed to breathe slightly. She looked like a marble statue, the way she was on a particularly nasty mission.

 

_I’m sorry_

 

 _Don’t be, what happened?_ Clint could have laughed ‘don’t be’ he would ask her where that sentiment went when she hears the lie Clint was about to tell her.

 

_My hearing aids_

 

He saw her body tense further before she looked at him and then at the paper and then she began to scribble furiously.

 

_That’s a mild inconvenience at best._

 

 _I don’t know tell me more about you and rogers_ He couldn’t bother with grammar or capitalization could barely bother to breathe when he knew tonight he would be alone when he knew his life was empty.

 

She looked confused, well not actually, she knew exactly what he had meant but she just didn’t want to talk about it; ‘the look of confusion’ did wonders to deter people from further questioning, led people to the conclusion that you had no idea what they were talking about so asking more made no sense, Clint used it a lot when he and Bobbi started dating to keep her safe. It wouldn’t work on Clint though, he knew it too well and took the paper from Nat: _you two are dating I bet_

 

The confusion dropped like it had never been there in the first place: _I like him and he likes me, it’s simple and we both like simple._

 

_It can’t possibly be simple you’re both avengers both SHIELD agents_

 

_It is if no one else knows._

 

_What_

 

 _No one else knows except for you now._ And she smiled just a bit to herself, he made her happy. Clint wondered how she would react to Steve disappearing without a trace and then maybe she would understand Clint’s actions in the last couple days? Weeks? Months? He couldn’t remember.

 

_You kiss him yet_

 

 _God, Barton you are such a child but yes._ Clint smiled, touched Nat’s arm and said as softly as he could manage, “I’m so happy for you.” And she hugged him, cradled him in her arms.

 

When she pulled back he could read the words _thank you_ on her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guess who's back from the dead and by the dead I mean I moved into college and have been here for two weeks. I'm really really sorry for not updating in so long I have just been super busy and haven't had the time to write and edit and then post but I love writing this so I'm def going to keep updating this! Just look out for updates once a week instead of twice, most likely Fridays or Saturdays. As always this is not beta read and support makes me super happy even though I'm not updating as much I promised.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint has a rough time but isn't that normal at this point

Natasha didn’t pry much about his state of mind over the last month (a month, Clint lost a month) but instead, without even knowing it, she brought him to a place of acceptance. Loki wasn’t coming back, maybe he was tired of Clint, maybe he felt guilty for what he had done but he wasn’t coming back. The more Clint thought that the more he was okay with it and the more he felt himself detaching from the concept of Loki as God (if Loki ever came back then Clint wasn’t sure what would happen but he wouldn’t so it didn’t even matter!) He just needed to stay active, focus on things that weren’t Loki and try to sleep at night. He could move on,  _ he would move on.  _

 

Clint was good at keeping secrets and would go to the grave with most of them but he wanted to move on from Loki and the idea of telling Natasha, telling her the truth seemed so compelling to him. He struggled to grasp the words that could describe it clearly to her, he had been mulling it all over in his head for days and on multiple occasions, he would feel himself call attention to himself and almost start to talk to her and then he would stop. He honestly felt that he could get his gears back in perfect order if she just knew, that they could both move on. He wasn’t sure why he felt that way, it was much more likely that telling her would lead to him locked up forever but still he wanted to and plus focusing on telling Natasha about Loki  _ had  _ to be better than just focusing on Loki. 

 

He was cooking breakfast and thinking (Nat had urged him to get into a rigorous routine to stop him from stopping but this routine was one she and JARVIS knew about so there was no slacking off) when he felt a tap on his shoulder. Clint usually saw Steve around this time, he was the only person still in the tower that woke up before him (Clint had found out that Bruce had slipped away during the month that he had missed and while Clint had been mortified that he had just let that happen, too busy wallowing in self-pity to look out for the doctor, he had also heard ‘Steve and Natasha have been alone in the tower for a month now. Good luck with that!’) Steve was sweating like he always was after his morning run and beaming like he always did to make Clint feel calmer. Clint tried a smile in return before returning to his food, he spent a few seconds pushing around eggs to make sure they wouldn’t stick to the pan before he felt a hand on him again. Clint looked up and Steve handed him a piece of paper.

 

_ What should I get her for Christmas?  _ It was clear who ‘she’ was but the idea that Captain America was sheepish about even naming Natasha was so pure and innocent it made Clint want to cry, it also made Clint realize that Christmas was fast approaching and that 2014 was fast approaching and Clint could barely remember a peaceful and happy moment since he had been in New Mexico in 2011(and yes the moments he shared with Loki no longer bring about joy just a sense of bitterness and hollowness.) 

 

Clint took the pen in between his hands and realized, where four years ago he could have said empirically what would be the perfect joke or actual gift for Nat, now he had no idea what to get her. But then he thought more and he looked at Steve and his stiff posture, trying to hide embarrassment and wrote:  _ you’re probably enough… but maybe a couple of baby pictures if there are any surviving ones, careful, she’s gonna make fun of you.  _ Clint held the paper and felt like he was missing something important about the fact that Steve had asked about Christmas:  _ Wait! Did I miss Halloween? _

 

Steve read over the paper and Clint saw his blank face morph into a slight smile and then into full-blown laughter as he nodded.

 

_ You did but there’s always next year. And thanks for the advice. _

 

And Clint was alone again with his now almost burning breakfast.

 

*

 

It was November, it was November and he hadn’t even realized it. He couldn’t stop thinking about it as he sat on his bed a few days later, he rubbed his face as the idea that this could be his life until he died crossed his mind.  _ How awful,  _ but he couldn’t focus on it at the moment because he had promised Steve and Nat that he just needed to go to the bathroom and they were waiting for him at the dinner table. Clint opened his door and was face to face with Thor. 

 

*

 

Thor seemed to have an even harder time understanding Clint’s deafness than Loki had and Thor looked so confused as to why Clint wouldn’t just tell him how it happened but Clint just  _ couldn’t,  _ couldn’t bear it. 

 

_ Thank you for telling me what you can, my friend, but that is not why I have come. _

 

_ I could’ve guessed that, why are you here buddy? _

 

_ You have heard of my latest battle I presume,  _ Clint hadn’t at all and he wondered why he hadn’t,  _ and I am not here to recount that tale either. I think you deserve to know after all he has done that my brother perished in the fight.  _

 

Clint felt his entire body go numb and cold because it couldn’t be true but in the same breathe His disappearance suddenly made sense. How could they have a connection if one of them was dead? Clint was glad he had a good poker face because he was able to look at Thor and nod in understanding without letting any of the raw emotion he was feeling show. 

 

Thor left and Clint felt his heart shatter again,  _ Loki was dead, Loki couldn’t be dead, Loki hadn’t abandoned him, hadn’t tired of him, he had died.  _ To Clint’s own surprise he felt tears well up, he didn’t care when people died if he were that sensitive then he should have chosen a different profession, but he was crying. When he realized that it was like the emotional dam he had been carefully cultivating for as long as he could remember suddenly, inexplicably collapsed and he started weeping. He couldn’t control any of what he was feeling so he let his body shudder, shake and yell (he knew he was yelling from the physical pain in his throat.) Everything hurt metaphysically and he couldn’t handle that, would much rather the simple exchange of pain so he shoved his fist into his mouth to quiet the sound he must be making and let his teeth pierce into his own soft flesh. He tasted blood but still felt numb beyond compare. 

 

When his body finally stopped he felt broken beyond repair, more broken than ever before because some part of him still knew Loki to be alive. It didn’t feel like He had died;  _ it didn’t feel like He had died. _

 

At some point, Clint looked down at his hand and was surprised to just how much damage he had done seeing as he couldn’t feel it at all. But he was covered in blood so he had to clean himself up.

 

Sitting on the toilet, leaning over the sink Clint cleaned his wounds and as he bandaged them, just for a moment, he felt the cool, strong grasp of Loki’s hand over his non-injured hand as if he were scolding him for hurting himself and a choked sob left Clint’s mouth. He didn’t recoil from the phantom touch but it faded away all the same. He had to leave his room or else he was going to go insane.

 

When he entered the kitchen no one was there, Clint was surprised he was sure Nat would want to talk to him. He strolled over to the fridge and spotted a note:  _ We put your dinner in the microwave :) _

 

‘We’ was the first thing Clint had noticed, he could tell by the handwriting that the note was left by Natasha but he wouldn’t have been surprised if the idea was Steve’s. He could picture them bickering, Steve had come up with the idea and was going to write the note but Nat and Clint were best friends so she  _ had  _ to write the note for him even though  it was Steve’s idea but Clint would see it was Natasha’s handwriting so Steve made her write ‘we’ because it wasn’t her idea, it had been his! Something about the whole idea made him irritated when it usually would have made him smile. Clint ripped the note down and pulled his food out of the microwave. 

 

He ate alone and felt miserable.

 

*

 

If before he had depressed he wasn’t sure what he was after he had found out Loki had died. That first night he dreamt of Loki again but it was different, it was truly a dream and Clint could barely remember it when he woke up and had forgotten it by the end of the day. It was worse but no one noticed because Clint seemed the same, Clint was staying with his routine but the world seemed cruel and pointless, especially as he spent so much time around Nat and Steve who were very happy.

 

Clint couldn’t continue the way he was or else he would die if by heartbreak or his own hand but he saw no change coming until he did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NGL I've had this fic planned out for a while now and I never rlly thought it would get to this point in any sense. I never thought anyone would read this, that I would get any feedback and I never even thought I would want to keep going but time after time I feel the urge to finish this partly because the frosthawk community deserves more finished longfics and also because this is my first time writing a long fic for this long(this is nearly 30K words holy fuck). But anyway don't hate me for this chapter, give me love and support instead :) As always this hasn't been beta read so all the mistakes are my own and all of your support is appreciated


	16. Chapter 16

Thor stayed at the tower for a few days, Clint wasn’t sure why he had stayed but he did. It made Clint jumpy, he was already distraught and having Thor around was not making it any better. Thor couldn’t even look in Clint’s general direction but would open his mouth every time as if to speak. Clint wondered if Loki’s funeral had happened yet and if there were any lie he could spew to convince Thor to let him go but actually seeing Loki’s corpse would only make him worse and Clint had already died.

 

Clint was the ghost haunting Avengers Tower; he followed a routine but did not live life like the others, even after Thor had left Clint felt aimless. 

 

*

 

There was a solid grip on his hips and the press of lips against his neck, Clint stayed still and felt the phantom touches disappear, he was going to go insane. 

 

It kept happening, little things, little reminders of Loki, a kiss on the forehead, an arm thrown over his shoulder, a breath next to his ear, it was maddening. Perhaps this was the only way they could communicate anymore, two ghosts trying to spread themselves across the cosmos but Clint knew that wasn’t true because as destitute as he felt his heart was still beating.

 

*

 

He started to pray again and felt foolish. He tried to dream about Loki again and felt hopeless. He woke up one night to Loki looming over him, sweaty and panting, His black hair stuck to his pale skin and Clint had reached up to touch him for some unknown reason and like the touches, He faded and he felt crazy. 

 

*

 

It was at this point that he thought about telling Natasha because Nat would tell SHEILD and they would put him out of his misery without having to lift a finger. But he never could think of a way to broach the subject so he let it go, it was getting easier for him to let thoughts go, he wondered if that had something to do with what Loki had done to him

 

*

 

It was the beginning of December before he could blink, Nat and Steve had been doing this advent calendar thing and wearing matching sweaters and it was so sweet Clint could have vomited until all the bile and blood left his body. But instead he smiled whenever they embraced (because that what a good friend would do) and let them hug him and he ate with them. He wanted everyone to think he was fine but one day at the dinner table as he ate shrouded in silence, as he was used to by then, he heard a chuckle.  _ He heard period.  _ He choked on his food and couldn’t hear his own body but heard a sympathetic tutting noise. He felt a steady grip on his wrist even as he stopped choking and saw Nat in an all red sweater with a reindeer motif look at him in confusion. He wanted to tell her what had just happened but instead said, “Since when have you like Christmas so much?” 

 

He had no idea if the volume was right or if the words were even legible but all Clint knew how to do was try to make someone laugh, she looked back at Steve and he nodded, she must have said something to him. She looked back at Clint, smiled, slide her hand into his and pulled him away into the elevator.

 

Clint couldn’t panic if he was in trouble than good if he wasn’t then fine. Nothing bothered him, Loki was gone. 

 

She pulled him onto her floor and handed him a plain box with a note.

 

_ SHIELD just finished these up but have still been doing some testing, they’re pretty sure the old ones broke because of something to do with the Bifrost but they aren’t sure of what exactly. Anyway, these should, in theory, be perfectly fine and durable but I wasn’t supposed to give them to you for a while longer while they work out some more bugs. Fuck that, I’m giving them to you now anyway.   _

 

Clint opened the box to reveal a set of tiny purple hearing aids, he put them in excitedly and clumsily. 

 

“Are they functioning properly?”

 

“Yeah.” Clint said, his voice sounded strained after being used infrequently since his last pair of hearing aids broke and he winced thinking back on the few times he had tried to speak and how awful he must have sounded.  

 

“Good.”

 

*

 

Clint had been called into Fury’s office, he sat back straight and tried to seem professional.  

 

“Barton, I have an assignment for you.”

 

_ Thank God. _

 

*

 

Clint couldn’t remember the last time he had gotten into his tactical gear and knew he was going out for a mission. Some sort of group fleeing from SHIELD and hiding out in Iceland. Clint had his way he would stay far away from Scandinavia but Iceland was as much a modern society as America and he knew, theoretically, that he wouldn’t have to worry about remembering Loki (at least more than usual). 

 

*

 

Iceland was cold and wet, Clint could see the appeal for a shady organization hiding from the United States Government but that didn’t mean he had to enjoy it. Sadly, the only other person there to whine to was Natasha and as she would say every time Clint would so much as open his mouth, she was Russian she could handle it and Clint would always grumble that the weather really wasn’t that much different from the midwest, still didn’t mean he had to like it.

  
  


*

 

It had started out very well, Clint and Natasha really did know how to work together even after the year plus they had spent apart, Clint benched and Natasha working with other SHIELD members, ok Steve, Clint was pretty sure she had taken to being paired up with Rogers. But all the same, they were kicking major ass, just like Clint liked when he felt an abrupt pain in his skull. He staggered around and knifed the bastard that had pistol-whipped him and promptly passed out. 

 

He came to tied up to something cold and wet, damn he hated this country. He was tied laying back and he couldn’t move much except to turn his head a bit. He saw Natasha, also awake but with blood on her face. She was panting and looked pale to point of being greenish, this was a bad spot and if they didn’t navigate their situation perfectly they were going to die. A situation this bad almost never happened when they worked together and some part of Clint, for a moment (a moment he didn’t even have to spare), that perhaps the predicament all had to do with him, that it was his fault. But he quickly let it go because if he were just a weaker link than Nat she still would have been able to carry the mission, she was good like that. 

 

Clint focused on her face and noted her eyes, she was awake but just barely, he wondered how this group had gotten the drop on them. Clint had finally decided to try to wriggle his way to freedom when he heard shuffling. He froze and controlled his breathing in anticipation, he’d much rather have the element of surprise to use and spring on their captor.  

 

The shuffling stopped and he felt a breath ghost over his face, he shivered involuntarily and cursed his luck when he heard a giggle from his captor. Light, airy, childlike.

 

The child, Clint was certain it was a child even though he hadn’t opened his eyes yet said something in a foreign language. Clint had learned a little Icelandic before departing and could kinda recognize some of the words they said,  _ Are we ready…  _ and then things Clint couldn’t understand.

 

They said it louder, “Erum við tilbúin fyrir helgisið ið?” 

  
Clint once again understood the same amount. Their voice echoed throughout the chamber before a series of noises of agreement sounded. Clint couldn’t tell exactly how many people were in the room with him and Natasha but from the echoing and his best wishes, he didn’t think it was more than five, counting the child next to them. 

 

The child loomed over him and smiled, Clint could see their pallid skin, bright red hair and the dots surrounding their mouth, little scars. They spoke softly in perfect English, “Worry not, soon you will be united with Freyja in Fólkvangr and your life will be a gift to our father.”

 

Natasha groaned and the child’s head snapped up, {Will we keep her? She looks like a child as well.} 

 

Clint understood that, enough simple words and concepts for him to understand. He turned his head to look at Natasha who seemed to be actually aware,  _ good,  _ he was going to try something he hadn’t done in years and having Natasha working with him could only help. He wasn’t sure how long they had been out but he hoped it was long enough for SHIELD to send backup or else they were gonna be trying to escape this cult on foot alone. 

 

Clint and Natasha made eye contact, she tried her best at a sly smile with what Clint assumed was a nasty concussion and Clint winked at her. 

 

He turned his head back, sighed and ripped his fingernail off. The pain was excruciating but it brought enough clarity for him to aim and fire into the child’s exposed wrist. He didn’t want to kill the kid just create enough of a commotion to be a diversion for him and Nat. And he did create a diversion, the child screeched in pain and the other figures in the room all came rushing forward to help, giving Clint the time to break his and Nat’s bonds. 

 

He left with some bleeding nail beds but also his life; when they got far enough from the premises he noticed the SHIELD vehicles and breathed a sigh of relief.

 

*

 

“How the hell did you get out, Agent?”

 

“They shouldn’t have left my hands untied, sir. They call me Hawkeye for a reason.”

 

*

 

Clint was welcomed back into regular missions after the one in Iceland; the mission hadn’t been a success but he had been able to save himself and Natasha with minimal harm, a skill that was incredibly prized in SHIELD.  

 

He wanted to say he was happy working again but really he was just keeping his head above water. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey it's an update, I can't believe I got this out with all the work I have to do/is due in the next week and a half but if I can fit time in for my fic when I'm at my busiest then I can always find the time. As always this is not beta read so all mistakes are my own and all support is more than welcome.


	17. Chapter 17

Work meant that he was busy and he didn’t have to think about how he was absolutely miserable. He was tasked with studying the cult that had tried to kidnap and sacrifice him and Natasha. Iceland was cold and wet almost every time Clint went and he always came back, well,  _ extracted _ , bloody and tired.

 

*

 

He was being debriefed and he could barely think at all, he had been pushing himself too hard, putting himself in situations where he had to use desperate measures to stay alive. Clint was barely keeping his eyes open when he felt a sigh right against his ear, “My Hawk, what have you done to yourself?”   

 

Clint startled so badly that the higher level agent that was debriefing him startled in response before composing herself and saying, “Is there anything else you would like to add, Agent Barton?”

 

Clint shook his head and was dismissed. 

 

*

 

Clint was standing in his bedroom and he had to wonder for a second what it would be like to die; he would see Loki again, probably, if there were such a thing as the afterlife which he didn’t believe there was. Even without the promise of an afterlife at least the pain would just finally stop. He dragged his hands over his face and left a dry sob escape; once the first one left he couldn’t stop.

 

He stood there sobbing until he heard JARVIS’ soft voice, “Agent Barton, there is someone downstairs to see you.”

 

*

 

Clint couldn’t figure out why JARVIS was so cryptic about the fact that Stark had wanted to talk to him but he supposed given their last one on one conversation Clint wouldn’t have come down to talk to Stark if he knew it was going to be him. 

 

“Clint.”

 

“Yeah?” 

 

“How have you been?” Stark was eating something, leaning back in one of the big armchairs in the common space with his legs propped up, he seemed so casual and Clint couldn’t remember the last time he had unclenched his jaw. He couldn’t help but be jealous, to the layman Stark was incredibly well adjusted but if anyway looked at him hard enough they would see all the hairline fractures that added up to a disaster of a person but at least he made up a person Clint was just rubble held together with too little tape trying not to disintegrate into dust at any moment.  

 

“Fine, how was California?” He said it with more hostility than he had wanted to be but he couldn’t help it, he had noticed recently how sour and rude he was to everyone, he was not physically or mentally capable of faking a smile the way he used to. 

 

“Good, anyway, I got a transmission from Asgard. Something about how you’re invited and a proposition for you to be an ambassador between Earth and Shakespeare Land. Which is cool and all, not sure why they didn’t ask me or Rogers but still you should go.” It didn’t make sense why they wouldn’t ask Stark or Rogers, it really didn’t until Clint realized how much more disposable he was than Iron Man or Captain Fucking America.    
  


“Yeah,” Clint whispered, “I’ll go. Thanks for letting me know.” He left right after he finished speaking, conversations were starting to wear him down and honestly minimal social interaction with only the required data being shared was the most he could do and Tony Stark was not a person that specialized in speaking that way, he was as social as they came.  

 

*

 

Clint wasn’t thinking about it, he was doing it because it was the right thing to do but he wasn’t thinking about it because he couldn’t without starting to have a severe panic attack. It felt wrong to know he was going to Asgard and that Loki was gone, there would be no cell or room for him to visit where he would see Him again. Because there was no seeing Him again.  

 

Clint stretched as he finished packing, he was sure he would be provided with Asgardian clothes but that didn’t mean he had to wear them, especially when his only reminders of home would be the clothes on his back. He had balked earlier in the day when he realized that he didn’t even have any comforting pictures to take with him just the ones of him and Bobbi collecting dust in the corners of his room. He had almost considered bringing the dreaded pictures but then decided he didn’t need the stress, so he had his toiletries, clothes, weaponry and hearing aids to his name. Clint had always been proud that he could always up and move without any sort of remorse but now, after all, that had happened to him, it just seemed pathetic. No evidence of friends or family or love, the ghost haunting Avengers Tower was moving out without a trace.

 

*

 

He stood at the place where he and Thor had been transported to Asgard all that time ago, it was freezing out (only a few more days until Christmas) and dark or as dark as New York City could get only a few days before Christmas with adults milling around and trying to pick up any last minute present they could.    

 

He stood with his backpack tight against his back and let the colors wash over him.

 

Every god damn trip on the Bifrost was worse than the last for Clint, he really thought he was going to throw up. Clint looked up and noticed Heimdall looking at him with a quirked eyebrow.

 

“Don’t worry, man, I’m not gonna hurl all over the place.” Heimdall looked at him for a few seconds longer and then turned away. Clint straightened up and saw a horse waiting for him.

 

“Am I supposed to go to the palace like last time?” Clint waited for a breath for a response and when he didn’t get one shrugged and climbed onto the horse. 

 

*

 

The throne room was colder than he remembered as if it were painted over in gray and the room itself was in mourning. 

 

“Agent Barton.” A voice boomed to him and Clint flinched, he forgot he would have to deal with King ‘Dude with One Eye that isn’t as Cool as Fury.’

 

“That’s me.” Clint said, trying to normal. He had already been in Asgard for ten minutes and he hadn’t had a mental and emotional breakdown so he had to say he was pretty proud of himself, he thought there was no way he could ever face this place after receiving the news of Loki’s death but he was deflecting like everything was normal. 

  
  


‘Dude with One Eye that isn’t as Cool as Fury’ spoke again, “Follow me to speak in private.”

 

Clint was starting to wonder what the fuck was up with the Asgardian Royal family and speaking in private with him when they arrived.

 

“What does this sorta work entail?” Not that it really mattered, ‘Dude with One Eye that isn’t as Cool as Fury’ could have said Clint was going to scrub floors and he would have been fine with it because it wasn’t like there was anywhere else he needed to be. 

 

“You would stay here and live your life as you pleased.” Every word was so measured but something felt off as if there were some uncontained emotion he was trying to hide.  _ Weird.  _

 

“Uh.”

 

“This is much to ask of you I understand, is there anything I–Asgard can provide for you to sway you?” 

 

Clint restrained himself from saying that he didn’t need to be swayed because he had nothing that mattered to him anymore after Manhattan, after becoming an Avenger, after Loki dying instead he gritted out, “I doubt you or anyone could provide it for me.”

 

“Try me.” Clint almost commented on how strange it was to hear something so loose come out of his mouth but held it back.

 

“Can I see Loki’s grave? This may be weird but I promise I don’t want to desecrate it or anything. I’m not even sure if you bury the dead here but if you do can I see it?” It was a weird request from someone that was brainwashed by Loki but maybe he already knew, the Queen had seemed to know and maybe she had told him or maybe Clint was as obvious as day as his feelings for Loki, all he knew was that he wanted some sort of peace and maybe Loki’s grave could give that to him. 

 

He smiled at Clint and Clint shuddered, “I can do something much better for you.”

 

And before Clint could even look puzzled the facade faded away and Loki was standing before him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Round one of my midterms are over! So yeah I kinda just haven't had the time to open the holy tears google doc when I had other papers to write and all that fun college stuff. But finally, I get to this cliffhanger which I've been waiting to write since Loki disappeared in chapter fourteen. Also regarding the final scene, it's funny to me how skeevy Loki's advances would be to Clint if Odin said them and I kinda wanted to play with that but then I skeeved myself out and we have what we have as the final scene instead which is really subdued and contained. Anyway, this is a kinda cool interactive part of the fic cause I have all this plot planned out but no smut planned out but there should be more smut cause we've all gone long enough without smut, right? But leave in a comment something you'd like to see and if I like it or it's interesting to me your kink could be something Clint and Loki end up doing ;P
> 
> But as always this fic is not beta read so all mistakes are my own and all your love and appreciation is the most welcome.


	18. Chapter 18

“Loki?” 

 

“Yes?” Loki looked so smug but Clint didn’t even think to be angry all he felt was relief like His very presence had knitted him back together. 

 

“Loki?” Clint laughed as he walked closer, “I fucking knew it, you asshole. I just knew it.” 

 

Clint stopped and kept laughing and laughing until he wasn’t laughing anymore, he was crying–sobbing, actually. 

 

Loki came forward and held him close, “Eyas, my Hawk, my Heart, I was not sure how to quell you. I knew you were in pain but I could do nothing.”

 

Clint gripped Him tightly at a loss for words.

 

“But you do not have to leave me ever again now.”

 

“I just knew. I felt it.” Clint wasn’t processing what Loki was saying and could only keep repeating what he had said over and over.

 

“We are connected.” He was stroking Clint’s hair and rocking him back and forth. Clint had been so tired, so unbelievably tired and distressed and angry that now that the source of those emotions had vanished he just felt exhausted. 

 

*

 

He woke up in a soft bed, he must have collapsed in Loki’s arm and then He carried him to a bed. He sat up, looked around and felt his heart tighten. He was in Loki’s bedroom, the room was tidier than in the dream but there were the same bookshelf and the bed he had just been sleeping in. He climbed out of the bed and his bare feet hit the cold floor.

 

“Fuck, it’s freezing.” Clint pulled his shirt closer to him and realized it wasn’t what he had worn to Asgard. It was this oversized, short sleeved, green tunic, Clint held it up to his nose hoping it would smell like Loki but it instead had a faint clean odor and nothing else. 

 

“Barton, what are you doing?” Loki asked amused and His amusement grew when He saw how Clint startled.   

 

Clint turned to face Him, “I didn’t even realize you were in here.”

 

“I can be quiet when I so choose,” Loki replied before standing up and walking over to Clint.

 

“Yeah, I guess so.” Clint laughed softly, he stretched his hand forward and grazed a finger over one of His cheekbones. Loki grabbed his wrist and kissed his palm softly three times.

 

“My love.”

 

“You’re here,” Clint whispered, he couldn’t believe it, “My Loki.”

 

Loki’s eyes widened comically as his face crumpled for a moment.

 

“Loki? Shit, did I… I didn’t mean to…”

 

“No, it’s.” He swallowed and waved his hand in the direction of the other side of the room.

 

There she was again, her soft dark brown curls framing her face, she pushed a strand of hair behind her hair and blinked once before laughing hysterically. Sigyn, Loki’s late wife.

 

“God she’s so pretty.”

  
  
“Yes, she was,” Loki said, voice filled with pain.

 

“Loki,” She called out between fits of laughter, “Where are you? Huh, I know you’re in here. I can sense you.”

 

She was walking around the room and peering into the closet and under the bed, “I see… you don’t want to see me. And to think you were the one I was going to give my maidenhead to. Perhaps even tonight.”

 

Loki, a younger one with His hair slicked back and His eyes filled with joy, slinked up behind her, “You wouldn’t dare, not when you’re engaged.”

 

“Ugh but Theoric is so boring and brutish.” She pouted, clearly still joking before sobering up, “He tried to lay with me last night.” 

 

Loki’s laughter left the corner of His mouth and His eyebrows shot up, “The wedding is so soon.”

 

“And yet he couldn’t wait to put his filthy hands on me.” She whispered.

 

“Sigyn,” He looked at her but she was avoiding His eyes as she played with her yellow dress (it contrasted her dark skin beautifully) “My dear.”

 

“You can’t call me that if you don’t keep your promise. Can’t call me that if I’m not yours.” She said and halfway through she had turned her head up to meet His eyes.

 

He tried to touch her face and she leaned back, Loki shut His eyes and sighed, “What would you have me do?”

 

“What are you willing to do to have me?”

 

“Sigyn.” He sighed again and gripped her waist, it was very apparent that he was desperate “Anything.”

 

“Oh, Loki, I love you,” She kissed Him on the mouth, her body pressed against His. She pushed her fingers into His hair and let them slide right to the cheekbone Clint had just graced with his fingertips, “My Loki, forever and always.”

 

They faded away but Clint was still able to catch the love-struck smile on the younger Loki’s face as they both faded away in a golden shower of magic. 

 

“Oh, I–I’m sorry.”   
  
“You didn’t know.” His Loki said and after just seeing His younger self the differences were striking, the length of hair, the way He carried himself, the emotion behind His eyes (once twinkling with mischief were now muddled with pain), “How could you have known?”

 

“You said she was your wife but she said she was engaged to someone else. What happened to him?”   
  
Loki frowned, “I killed him and pretended to be him until after the vows were exchanged and she was bound to me by the laws of Asgard and Vanaheim.” 

 

“Huh.”

 

“I did it for her,” Loki whispered brutally, “But if I were a just man I would have let her go.”

 

“No.” Clint disagreed, “You did the right thing, albeit a bit messy, you shouldn’t have killed him but you saved her from an arranged marriage. She loved you, not him.”

 

“And yet if I had let her go she would still be here, alive.”

 

“And you would be hurt and she would be hurt. Better to be happy for a short period than miserable for an eternity.” Clint shrugged, it made sense to him, he always grabbed at the few things that made him happy because he needed to be happy sometimes. Loki deserved to be happy, Clint was sure of that. 

 

Loki suddenly laughed, a short nasty laugh, “Clint, you are far too good. What do I do to deserve people like you and Sigyn in my life? Here I am complaining to my current love about past wastes and you are consoling me. You should be furious.”  

 

“I wouldn’t ever do something like that, I’m not an asshole.”

 

“I don’t understand you,” Loki whispered.

 

“You always say that,” Clint said in response.

 

“I don’t. I don’t understand you.” But this time it came out as a sob; Loki turned around quickly and pressed His hands to eyes turning to stop the tears. Clint came up from behind and embraced him. “You should not be comforting me, you are the one that thought me dead not even yesterday.”

 

But the words didn’t come out strong and collected like always instead Clint could hear the moments where He had to take a break because the tears had stolen His breath.

 

“And? You need this. I don’t need anything, I just need you to be with me.”

 

“I am your God,” Clint nodded against His back, “And yet…”

 

“Shh, it’s ok.” Clint kissed the tunic covered shoulder.

 

“I loved her so dearly.”

 

“I know.”

 

“And now.” He breathed in and the release shook His body.

 

“I know,” Clint repeated, Loki had never been giving the time to mourn His wife after she died and instead had blocked it like Clint had when he thought Loki was gone. All Clint knew was that he couldn’t let Him go. 

 

Eventually, the tears stopped and His breathing slowed and He turned to pull Him and Clint to be chest to chest.  

 

“Barton.” He seemed so much better, “I have realized something.”

 

“What?” This wasn’t what Clint had expected, he was still waiting for Loki to storm off to be alone or to send him back because he saw Him in such a vulnerable state.  

 

“I have yet to fuck you.”

 

Clint wasn’t sure how he looked but it was probably hilarious because Loki’s smirk grew, “What?” Clint repeated.

 

“Every time we have been together it was in our shared dreamscape. And when you last saw me, I touched some but certainly did not have my fill. I would enjoy quieting this hunger.” 

 

“You were just.” Clint was at a loss for words, Loki was acting as if He hadn’t just been crying over His dead wife.

 

Loki nodded, “And you helped spectacularly, such a good boy, surely you deserve a reward.” 

 

Loki kissed him deeply before sighing, “Your lips are so soft. So soft and breakable, you mortals, it is a wonder that a breeze doesn’t knock over even your strongest warriors.”

 

Even though Clint didn’t consider himself fragile he liked the idea that ‘softness’ was something attractive about him to Loki. Every person before lusted after (or used) Clint for his strength, he was proud of physique from years of archery and missions but it was nice to be looked at as needing protection for once because back when Clint had needed it he sure as hell hadn’t gotten it. 

 

“Soft? Does that mean you’re gonna take care of me?” Clint was mostly joking but was also eager to hear Loki’s reply. 

 

“Yes, by all the gods, yes. I finally have you here do you think I will allow any ill to befall you?” 

 

Loki was kissing down his neck and it felt so good, he felt safe and wanted and sane for once. Didn’t he deserve this, after all the guilt and anguish he had felt since Manhattan? Sometimes, just sometimes, Clint wanted someone to look at him as someone worth loving, who needed protection. Was that so wrong? And why shouldn’t he let this happen? Sure Loki was his God but if Loki wasn’t asking for worship but instead smothering Clint in it then surely it was ok? He decided he didn’t care at the moment and that he just wanted to enjoy whatever was going to come next, he could tell Loki wanted something tender and passion filled and he was far too happy to indulge Him.

 

“No, I guess not. What are you gonna do instead?”

 

Loki looked him in the eyes and Clint shuddered at the arousal he could see on His face, “I am going to make you cry from the sheer intensity of the pleasure I will give you.”

 

Clint whispered a little ‘oh’ before Loki was pushing him back onto the bed. He magicked His own clothes away and reluctantly pulled the huge shirt off of Clint. He hooked Clint’s legs up before grabbing Clint’s hands and placing them below his knees.

 

“Hold yourself open.”

 

Clint nodded as he felt Loki’s first finger begin to press inside of him. He gasped, everything felt way more intense than any other time and it suddenly struck Clint that he was kinda a virgin at this, even though it had happened plenty in their dreams he had never been with a man in any other contexts.

 

“Intense, isn’t it? I couldn’t replicate the exact feeling whilst you slept but fear not I’ll make sure you enjoy this.”   
  
Clint felt himself huff out a laugh, “I’m sure you will but just be careful… I haven’t really done this before.”

 

Loki smiled knowingly before leaning down and swallowing down Clint’s cock, he was so surprised he hadn’t noticed Loki had managed to sneak another finger in and was now sucking him and pumping two fingers in and out. The noise of Loki’s mouth on his cock combined with His lube or maybe oil coated fingers thrusting in and out of Clint was driving him mad.  

 

Loki kept going for what felt like an eternity, holding all of Clint in his mouth before hollowing his cheeks and scissoring his fingers. Clint clenched down, feeling ready to come when Loki pulled back delaying Clint’s orgasm. He did that three times before letting Clint come in His mouth and keeping him there for a few moments longer. At this point, Clint was already covering his mouth with both of his hands to muffle his shouts and moans. 

 

When Loki pulled back He smiled down at Clint with shiny lips, “So precious.”

 

And Clint groaned, his spent cock dripping even more come onto his belly. Just from that,  _ Just from that?  _ Clint thought embarrassed. When Loki saw He laughed softly, grabbed Clint’s hips and kissed him. Clint moved the hands covering his mouth to welcome the kiss and flung his arms around Loki’s neck.

 

Loki pulled back and Clint felt so enamored, he couldn’t help but brush his thumb over Loki’s cheek and then whisper, “Please fuck me.”

 

“Of course, my royal consort.”

 

“Uhh?” Clint groaned as Loki pushed into him, “What is that?”

 

Loki set a quick pace and Clint felt like he was going to get hard and come again, “Since you are not royalty but mine you would be my consort.”   
  
“Would everyone be ok with you claiming me as your partner so publicly when I’m not just not royalty but also not Asgardian?” Thinking for Clint was not easy at the moment but it seemed an important issue to have a conversation about as soon as possible.

 

“Do not fret, I will take care of the public,” Loki said before letting out a string of garbled noises, “Barton, so slight. My delicate warrior. Asgard will love you for you are far more than they deserve.”   
  
Clint came again, he was too dazed to do anything but let Loki keep fucking him, “All mine for forever.”

 

Loki moaned, came and settled on top of Clint. Clint encircled his arms around Loki’s shoulders, Loki placed His hands on Clint’s waist and kissed the side of his face.

 

“Do you want to stay?” Loki suddenly asked.

 

“Yes, of course.”

 

“And to be royal consort? It is a bit of a responsibility but I would rather not hide you.”   
  
“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry. I’m sure I can handle a bit of alien politics.” 

 

“Oh Norns, Barton, what have I done to deserve you?”

 

They were both laughing, the weight of separation being lifted off their shoulders left them giddy and breathless.

 

Clint felt whole again, he finally felt alive.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's funny, this chapter could certainly be an ending but I have a lot more planned out for these two so I guess this is less of an end of a story but more of the end of a particular plot/arc. Anyway, this is one of my favorites chapters so far, Loki's a bit more sentimental than usual but I think he deserves that.
> 
> As usual, this is not Beta read and all of your support is much appreciated!


	19. Chapter 19

Natasha wasn’t angry that Clint hadn’t come and told her that he was going off to Asgard, she was more distressed than anything else but no one would have been able to tell anything was wrong at all.

 

“Something’s wrong. What happened?” Except for Steve, he could always read her.

 

“Nothing is wrong. Why would you ask that?” She smirked softly but knew it didn’t reach her eyes.

 

“This has something to do with Clint.”

 

“Steve…” She hated these conversations because Steve never said _I’m afraid you love him more than me_ so she could never say _it’s not the same, you know it’s not the same. He’s my best friend and I’m still losing him somehow even after Manhattan but I’m not losing you, you would never let me lose you._

 

Instead, she sighed and waited. Steve sat on the arm of the chair she was reclined in, “I doubt he was trying to hurt you by not telling you.”

 

She didn’t answer, she was the sick of the way she let these two relationships intertwine.

 

“Let’s open up the 23rd.” Steve offered as he held up their advent calendar, she wasn’t sure how Steve had convinced her that it was a good idea. She leaned forward and opened the 23rd to reveal two pieces of ornament shaped milk chocolate but it didn’t fill her with joy as it had all 22 days before. She put one in her mouth and bit down letting the vodka burn slightly (it wasn’t even the good stuff) before swallowing.

 

Steve reacted comically as always, the rush of liquid into the mouth could be quite surprising even when you’re anticipating it.

 

“Why did I ever let you get an alcohol candy themed advent calendar, Nat?”

 

She smiled softly, he had been saying that since the first day, “It’s not like either of us can get drunk off of this amount so we might as well.” And that had been her reply since the first time he asked.

 

He kissed her, suddenly and said, “Don’t let this ruin our Christmas. You can’t be responsible for him anymore.”

 

She looked at the clock, 5:45 am, looked back at Steve and smirked, “Steve–”

 

“Don’t, Nat, just don’t. Be honest, tell me you’ll let it go just for the next couple days. Stark is here, Potts is coming, let’s have a Christmas.”

 

She was shaken at how he could sweep Clint to the side, “What if he’s not ok.”

 

“He’s not a soldier off to war, he’s lucky, he has a nice political job at Asgard, Stark would have killed for it.”

 

Steve sighed and continued, “You look like a widow whenever you talk about him and I’m sorry but I just think you deserve to feel better.”

 

Natasha pointedly did not bring up Barnes and how if they were in the 20s-30s she would never say this to Steve if he were worried about Barnes, she wanted to but she didn’t because they weren’t on the same page. She knew Clint and Bucky were the same but in Steve’s mind, Peggy and Clint were the same.

 

“Steve I’m just not sure him living in Asgard is a good idea.”

 

“I know, amourex, I know but he’s an adult and we have to trust him.” Natasha stood up and even standing with him sitting on the arm of the chair she wasn’t much taller than him. She kissed him.

 

“Тупица. God, you’re so– what crime did I commit that my punishment was to be stuck with someone so rational and sappy at the same time.”

 

Steve stood up and wrapped his arms around her waist, “I just want to help you figure out what’s best for you and how the hell can I do that without being a rational sap.”

 

He kissed her like she was the first good thing that had happened to him since he went under and she hoped with all her might that she was. He pulled back and she smiled, “Let’s go for a run and then make breakfast for Stark after yanking him out of his lab.”

 

Steve laughed and whispered, “Je t'aime mon coeur.”

 

She expected to feel terrified when she understood what he had said but instead, she felt comfortable. God, Barton had been right those months ago, Steve clearly saw himself as an exception to her theory on love (and the uselessness of it) and so did she.

 

*

 

“Barton.” Clint finished pulling on the Asgardian clothes Loki had picked for him and made a slight noise of acknowledgment.

 

“We have much to discuss, the realm already knows I am king but you will have to be trained in the ways of Asgardian nobility for you to be comfortable. Oh, there’s also a few people I need you to meet.”

 

“Yeah, ok.” It was like a SHIELD mission, Clint thought, stretching.

 

He followed Loki down a series of hallways before coming in front of a room.

 

“Go in, I have other things I need to take care of.” Loki traced Clint’s upper lip with his thumb before turning and leaving.

 

Clint breathed in and entered mission mode before entering the room. Clint was taken aback, the room was warmly academic, the type of place Clint could imagine only scholars sitting in and thinking. He heard a cough and looked around to see an older woman, older but not old she looked to be in her fifties (although if she were Asgardian Clint knew she was actually much much older), she tilted her head and beckoned him in.

 

“You are Clint Barton, are you not?” She asked the question with an underlying of a threat and if he weren’t Clint Barton he would probably be very nervous.

 

“Yes, ma’am.”

 

She nodded once and pointed to the desk in the room, Clint knew he had to sit there, “I am Sága and I will be your instructor, King Loki has instructed me to teach you as if you were a babe, is that a correct assumption?”

 

“Yes, ma’am. I–I’m Midgardian so,”

 

She put her hand up to stop him, “I would advise against advertising such a fact even when you are placed under the king’s supervision. There are many that would exploit it, luckily for you, I am not one of them and thank you for your honesty.” She smiled and seemed kinder suddenly and Clint was sure it was because she realized she was teaching someone of unwillful instead of willful ignorance.

 

“Tell me, what does Midgard know of the nine realms?”

 

“Not much, I know more than most just because I know Thor and Loki and had to do some research on it after Thor showed up a couple years ago. There’s Asgard, Midgard, Vanaheim, Niflheim, Svartalvheim, Muspelheim, Alfheim, Jotunheim, and Hel, right? I know a lot about Midgard because you know I lived there but, uh, the rest not much other than mythology on Midgard that I’m not sure I can trust. Asgard is a militaristic monarchy from what I can tell and I’m assuming Hel is like H-E- double hockey sticks Hell.”

 

Halfway through his speaking Sága quirked her eyebrow and seemed to be suppressing a laugh, “Like a babe, would be a correct assessment then?”

 

“Do you teach kids often?” Clint suddenly asked.

 

“No,” She said wistfully, “You would be my third pupil before you there were only Prince Thor and Prince Loki.”

 

“Why?”

 

“We should be starting your first lesson, King Loki will not be happy if you had not learned anything today.”  
  
“Okay, okay, but just answer the last question and you’ll have my full attention.” He let his mouth pull up into the uneven smile he used to pull whenever he talked back to authority when he was young.

 

She sighed in annoyance but whispered hurriedly, “It was only ever a favor to King Odin, I promised him anything he desired that I could achieve when we were both young, it was a marriage proposal really, but only after he became King, wed Queen Frigga and sired two babes did he call on me again. Sökkvabekkr, the place where I usually retire, is far from the palace and after the Princes were of age I could not bear to be away from Sökkvabekkr any longer. And there I have resided until my favorite pupil asked me for my help in attending to your lack of knowledge”

 

Clint nodded, “Thanks for telling me that.”

 

“Yes, well, if King Loki favors you so dearly than perhaps I can trust you.” She walked away from the side of his desk to the front of the room and Clint knew she had entered teacher mode.

 

“Firstly, you are correct in the names of each realm so I will begin with the beings that occupy each realm.” She pointed at the desk, “Take note of what I say.”  

 

Clint looked down and saw a bezeless tablet and a golden pen next to it.

 

“Now, Asgard and Vanaheim will be the most relevant to you if you are to truly aspire to royalty for they communicate the most…”

 

*

 

When Clint left with the expectation to return as early as possible the next day he felt like his head was going to burst. He had a lot to learn, it was strange to realize he really knew nearly nothing. It seemed like he was finally getting the college education he had always envied Bobbie for.

 

Loki was waiting for him outside, “How was it?”

 

“Overwhelming.”

 

“Yes, Sága knows and expects much from her students but you can tell me what you have learned later, now we must meet the people I have told you of earlier.”  
  
“It’s not gonna be Vanir diplomats or anything right cause I’m kinda useless right now.”  
  
“My, you have already learned much, but no, this is more personal”  

 

Clint had a lot of questions but honestly was far too tired to do anything but follow Loki. The room they stopped near was close to Loki’s bedroom and Clint wondered who Loki could feel safe meeting somewhere so close to His living quarters instead of in the throne room.

 

He opened the room to chaos, he saw multiple men and women running around. Loki sighed and rubbed the bridge of His nose.

 

“Hey, what’s going on?”

 

“BOYS!” Clint startled next to Loki and opened his mouth to speak when he saw two small children ran forward away from the grasp of the exasperated adults in the room.

 

They looked up to him and Loki with wide dark brown eyes nearly hiding under their still darker hair. They shared a mid-tone brown skin and were absolutely adorable. There was a familiar deviousness to them Clint just couldn’t place with his tiredness taking center stage in his thoughts.

 

“What’s happening, Loki?”

 

“Barton, I would like you to meet my sons, Vali and Nari. Vali, Nari, this is your new step-father, Clint.”

 

Oh… _oh._            

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE'S LESS THAN AN HOUR BEFORE THOR 3 HITS THEATERS IN THE US!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED, PLEASE TAKE THIS AS A CELEBRATION. I'm pretty sure I'm going to see it Sunday and I'm just so excited, I don't think I've been this excited for a movie in a while. Fic wise I'm really interested in juggling politics, family, earth/avengers and past trauma idk I want to focus on a lot in this fic and I can only hope I can deliver for all of you who have been reading this so far, cause you all deserve it. Anyway, as usual, this fic is not beta read and comments make this author's world go round (and will trick me into writing more so...).
> 
> Edit: Also Vali and Narfi are kinda interchangeably in mythology so I'm calling him Vali in the story so you don't get confused between him and Nari BUT the Vali tag on Ao3 only pertains to the Marvel character who I am not talking about so instead I'm tagging Narfi and Nari.... I hope that's not too too confusing.


	20. Chapter 20

Clint could feel Loki’s fingers in his side but he wasn’t processing anything other than the reassuring press. Everyone was staring at him, he knew everyone was staring at him but Clint had never been too good with kids; that’s not to say he disliked them, hell, he loved them but he was always on edge. So fragile, how was he supposed to handle them, Vali and Nari didn’t look to be older than eight. 

 

“Love.” He heard right in his ear, “Calm down.”

 

Clint recovered quickly and shot the twins a smile, “I’m really sorry but I’ve had a really long day and I’m tired. Your dad over here didn’t even tell me I was gonna meet you.”

 

“Do you take naps? Daddy and our nannies always make us take naps when we act funny.”

 

“Maybe I’ll take your advice.” Clint said, “I’ll see you after my nap, boys.”

 

Clint had to try his hardest not to run from the room but he left all the same and Loki followed him. Neither of them said anything until they were back in Loki’s room.

 

“Ok, what the fuck?” 

 

Loki looked extremely confused.

 

“You couldn’t give me a fucking warning. I didn’t… I don’t think I’ll be a good dad.” Clint had started out shouting but gradually lowered his volume in abject horror. 

 

“Kids are just so much, Loki.” 

 

“I did not anticipate this reaction from you.” Loki seemed almost upset, “I had thought you would be excited for me to share this with you.”

 

“It’s not that simple I’m not unhappy, I’m just.” Clint sat on the bed and pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes.

 

“I thought you would like them but if you feel you can not–”

 

“Nonononono, I like kids a ton, really, I was just surprised is all.”

 

Loki smiled, “I’m glad.”

 

There was something about seeing Loki go from confused to happy about Clint accepting the twins that made Clint’s heart clench and broke a barrier in Clint’s head. He had wanted to worship Loki, hold Him high up as something untouchable but it was clear he wanted to be touched.  __

 

Clint felt a smile tug at his mouth, he felt like hysterical, “You’re a dad. I’d never imagine something like that.”

 

“Yes, they were not planned but I do adore them.” He smiled more warmly. 

 

“Do you regret leaving them behind?” Clint asked before he could stop himself.

 

Loki smile dropped, “I fear I did not appreciate them before my most recent imprisonment,” He sighed softly, “Luckily they are still very young and have not held it against me, they’re just very glad Daddy isn’t dead.”

 

“Yeah,” Clint whispered, “I can imagine that being a bit of a relief. Especially with their mom not being around.”

 

“They wouldn’t miss her. Sigyn died in childbirth.” He said every word without any inflection as if he were trying to numb himself to the pain still. 

 

“Oh, I’m sure they still they had a mom all the same. And lucky for them I’m more than happy to take up the offer, Loki, honestly.”

 

Loki stared at Clint and it was the same stare he used to do when they were dreaming together, the intense look like he was trying to find something vital in Clint by staring at him.

And then he kissed Clint desperately, “Take your nap, I’m sure our sons are counting down the seconds to when you’ll wake up and truly meet them.” 

 

Loki left the room and Clint collapsed into bed.

 

*

 

He woke up before realizing he had even gone to sleep, he knew he was exhausted but not that much. The sunset filtered through the window and filled Loki’s beautiful room with warm light. Clint stretched and rearranged his leather Asgardian clothes into something more comfortable and–oh he was starving. He placed his hand on his stomach and wondered if maybe Loki had left something for him to eat in the bedroom but only came across a note on the side table.

 

_ Eyas, _

 

_ Firstly, attached to this note is a necklace that I would have you wear, only detach the emerald at the bottom in times of dire need. Secondly, you have hopefully roused in time for dinner, if so I would love to dine with you in the palace’s splendid hall. Ring the bell and a servant will escort you. _

 

_ -Loki _

 

Clint lifted the necklace he hadn’t notice before and looped it around his neck, the sturdy string was clearly meant to be looped around multiple times so the emerald laid against his chest just below his collarbone. He glanced over the rest of the side table and saw a bell a ways off, he lifted it and examined it before ringing it. The bell was heavy, made of a dull gold and the handle was a deep rich brown wood, he brushed his fingers over the handle and he enjoyed the texture of engravings in the wood. It was beautiful and he couldn’t help but be struck with how elegant everything was in Asgard. 

 

He rang the bell and the sound was clear and resounding, he was surprised it hadn’t peaked in his hearing aids. He was sure he was going to have to wait awhile before anyone came for him but as soon as the sound faded he heard a knock on his door.

 

Clint opened the door and saw a young girl shorter than him in plain clothing, “You here for me?”

 

She nodded and turned to lead him. Clint memorized every twist and turn and staircase before entering the banquet hall. 

 

“Daddy, look, look.” Clint swallowed the panic he felt when he heard one of the twins yell and point at him. The girl showed him to his seat and Vali or Nari asked, “How was your nap?”

 

“It was very nice, I’m glad I took your advice.”   
  
“Not mine, my brother's,”

 

“Well, I’m glad I took your brother’s advice.”

 

Loki chuckled, “I think the two of you will have to wear name tags for Clint until he gets used to the two of you.”

 

“That’s no fun,” One pouted. 

 

“Why did you seat them next to each other?” Clint whispered to Loki so the boys wouldn’t hear.

 

“To confuse you,” Loki replied before he stole a kiss.

 

Clint sighed, pouted and was rewarded with hearing Loki laugh again. 

“Oh and I will be having a meeting with the King and Queen of Vanaheim in a week’s time, I’ve alerted Sága to alter your teachings so you’ll be ready to attend the meeting with me.”

 

Clint grabbed and bite into a roll as he lamented at the forthcoming chaos of his new life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, listen I am the most sorry that I could possibly be and I actually won't be able to post again until mid-December after all my finals. Again I'm sorry, all of my profs have been burying me in work and then Thanksgiving break was also busy, I had no time to work more on my baby and give all my readers new content. Also, I saw Thor 3 two days after I posted the last chapter (I had to see it opening weekend) and I adored it!! I loved it so much, if you haven't seen it and love any character in the Thor franchise (I'm assuming you like Loki if you're reading this story ;) ) go see it, we as fans all deserve it. On the other hand, the infinity war trailer dropped yesterday and I'm nervous as shit and I can only hope it won't be a cluster fuck. Again I'm sorry for the long break and I'm sorry for another break upcoming but once I'm done with finals I have a month and a half off so I'm gonna focus on this to make up for time lost. Also, I posted a smutty frosthawk one-shot (Heady and Sweet) the day Thor 3 came out so maybe check that out if you haven't already
> 
> Anyway, as always this is not beta read so all mistakes are my own and comments make my world go round.


	21. Chapter 21

Sága was infuriated beyond belief at Loki’s request, Clint could see it on her face when he walked in, “Loki has been like this since he was a child, give him the tiniest morsel and he’ll create a whole meal.”

 

Clint had smirked at her approach to the ‘give an inch, take a mile’ phrase.

 

“Yeah, I’m really sorry about that,” Clint said as he took his seat.

 

“It’s not your fault but it’s not a lot of time to prepare you, why he could not schedule the meeting for another day is beyond me,” She sighed softly, “But let us begin.”

 

*

 

“So the Aesir and the Vanir are racially the same but with different cultures?” Clint asked Loki over dinner.

 

“What’s ‘racially’?” Nari asked, they actually had taken to wearing name tags for Clint’s sake but the more he looked at them the more he started to see slight differences, mostly in their personalities, Nari was much more vocal and inquisitive. Nari was the one who had begged him and his father to let him go to classes with Clint, hungry for knowledge that one. He had wanted to say yes very badly but they needed very different educations and Nari and Vali were scheduled to start working with Sága after the Vanir meeting. Vali was quieter and attracted to nature, but they looked so similar that they could certainly trick Clint whenever they wanted to.

 

Loki leveled a hard stare at Clint, “Nari…”

 

“Please just tell me, Daddy.”

 

Loki sighed, “Well race is a way to group people together based on things like where you’re from in the nine realms.”

 

“Are we a different race than you are?”

 

“Well, race for the Aesir and the Vanir is much more dependent on _where_ you’re from than something like the color of your skin.” Clint could tell that was partially an answer to his question, “But because you are my children and your mother was also Asgardian, then yes, we are the same race.”

 

“Oh,” Clint whispered and he recognized the same realization on Vali and Nari’s faces.

 

Loki turned to him, “Yes, I know it’s different on earth.”

 

“Yeah,” Clint said softly, “You and Sigyn would’ve been different races.”  

  
Clint had begun to realize how different things were on Asgard and he knew it had to do with the knowledge of other planetary civilizations, he wondered how humans would understand race if they had a neighboring planet they had to negotiate with often.

 

*

 

Sága stood near him and sighed, “I am frankly alarmed that Loki is going through with this meeting.”

 

“I think I’ve got it,” Clint replied and twisted the pen between his fingers, he really thought he was starting to get the hang of all the Vanaheim royalty stuff.

 

“Perhaps but you are meeting Freyr and his _elven_ wife. Surely you see the problem with that, you know what Alfheim is, that the light elves reside there and no more.” She seemed exasperated.

 

“Well, I’ll just be very polite and try not to offend her.”

 

“Yes, well, Freyr is also unlike other Vanir, he is wild, ruthless and used to the light and wind whipped realm of Alfheim, bureaucracy is not second nature to him like the former king and queen.”

 

“So why aren’t the former king and queen coming to meet with Loki?” Clint asked when half way through the week Loki had received a correspondence that his late mother’s twin brother and wife were attending the meeting instead of the King and Queen they received no explanation as to why.  

 

“I fear it is a reaction to Queen Frigga’s passing and King Odin’s stepping down, they are far older than the Asgardian royalty were and mostly may wish to die in peace.”

 

“That’s kinda fucked,” Clint whispered.

 

“Don’t say that in front of King Freyr.” Sága said sternly and then smiled, “But you are correct, it is how you would say ‘fucked’ the Vanir have a very positive view of death, they know they will be embraced in death by Queen Frigga and reach everlasting happiness.”

 

She shrugged, “To each their own.”

 

Clint smiled, while he had been learning a lot from Sága he couldn’t help but notice that he was influencing her a bit. He hoped that once all his lessons were over he could forge a friendship with her.

 

She walked back away from his desk, “Now, show me how you will introduce yourself to the King and Queen.”

 

*

 

Loki kissed him roughly, “I’ve desired you so desperately in the past week, have not been able to hold you in what feels like a millennium.”

 

Clint smiled, “We have to go meet the King and Queen of Vanaheim soon.”

 

“I know,” Loki seemed devastated as he held up Asgardian formal clothes, eerily similar to his own but was clearly made to accentuate a different body type than Loki’s.

 

“Is that mine?” Clint hadn’t even thought about his attire, so focused on absorbing all the information he could on Vanaheim.

 

“Yes, the royal designer and I fashioned it for you.” Clint reached out and touched the cold metal and stiff leather.

 

Clint stretched and enjoyed the freedom of his limbs for the last time until the meeting was over.

 

“Are you sure it’s going to fit?”

 

“Positive. Come now, undress and I’ll help you put it on.”

 

The undergarments were easy to get on, thick, soft and made with cotton, a green long sleeve undershirt, and white shorts. Everything else was a fight, Loki helped him pull his second layer made of leather on top of the soft and comfortable underwear.

 

“Why do you guys do this to yourself?” Clint wheezed as Loki laced up the shirt.

 

“It’s tradition, Barton, I didn’t invent it. Why do mortals wear the formal wear they do?”

 

“Cause we look sexy in it.” Clint laughed breathlessly, “And you did too, I never told you that did I?”

 

“No, you did not. This is the last piece you are going to struggle with,” Loki said as he held up the metal chest piece.

 

“You really are trying to kill me,” Clint groaned. He somehow was able to get the metal chest piece on and then the shoes and the leather arm guards and the cape and the million other things when Loki held up a helmet.

 

“No, I don’t care what you say I’m not wearing that helmet.”

 

“But…”

 

“No, never.” Loki sighed and let it evaporate into thin air.

 

“Fine, fine. I will not even be wearing mine.” Loki smirked and pulled Clint’s deep purple, almost black cape close to his body, “You look wonderful, like you truly belong on Asgard.”

 

Loki kissed him softly, “Let’s go.”

 

“You’re not dressed yet,” Clint said and looked at Loki in his more casual Asgardian clothing.

 

“Oh yes how could I forget.” A golden shimmer washed over Loki and he was completely dressed, Clint knew he was pouting from Loki’s sudden cackle.

 

“That’s so unfair.”  
  
“Once you have been practicing magic for hundreds of years than you can complain.”

 

“Still unfair,” Clint said and tried not to think about how he wasn’t going to get hundreds of years.

 

*

 

Clint and Loki waited in the throne room for the Vanir royalty and Clint suddenly felt a bubble of anxiety. It was like a mission that he didn’t have enough information to approach properly but he was still expected to perform perfectly.

 

Loki grabbed his hand and massaged it in smooth circles from where he was reclining elegantly in his throne, “Barton, relax.”

 

They stood like that, all of Clint’s mood being controlled by the thumb somehow rubbing all of the tension out of his body–it was at that moment that Clint remembered why he had chosen to worship Loki, that Loki still had all of the control over Clint– until two Asgardians walked through the door and Loki stood to greet the new King and Queen of Vanaheim.      

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what bitch finished their first semester of college, this one!! Here's a chapter to celebrate, this chapter is also the last sorta laggy chapter because of course the king and queen of vanaheim are going to bring trouble and you know Nat and Thor and just things are gonna pick up again after this chapter because Clint and Loki have been ignoring their problems during their honeymoon phase.
> 
> Anyway, as always this was not beta read and all feedback is very much appreciated.


	22. Chapter 22

 

Clint didn’t want to say that King Freyr and Queen  Gerðr looked angry when they strolled in but they did, in fact, they looked furious.  

 

“King Freyr, Queen Gerðr,” Loki acknowledged them both as if hostility wasn’t rolling off of them in waves. 

 

“Loki,” Freyr spoke and they were beautiful in a way far different from Asgardians, Freyr was tanned with sun-bleached hair, the only clothes he wore were a sun faded cape and loin cloth. His wife, Gerðr, was holding onto him tightly and Clint would have recognized her as Indian if they were still back on Earth. She also looked as if she were outside in the sun often, her dark hair was braided and pinned up in an updo, all she wore was a sun faded loose dress, “We would ask that you step down and reinstate Odin Allfather as King of Asgard.”

 

Clint stilled and looked at Loki, he could see a slight downturn of his mouth, “Why?” Clint asked before Loki could say anything. The two seemed startled that he had spoken to him but if they wanted to be rude than everything that Clint knew to do in their presence could jump off a cliff for all he cared.

 

Queen Gerðr’s face went stone cold, “Who is this?”

 

“ _ This _ ,” Loki hissed softly, “is Prince Clint and I would have you respect him as such.”

 

“A Prince consort,” King Freyr sneered, “It is nice to know that the rumors surrounding you are true.”

 

“Excuse me,” Loki’s teeth were grinding against each other as he spoke.

 

“You never answered my question,” Clint said trying to keep the peace.

 

“Yes,” Queen Gerðr said, looking between the three men in the room, “Because of King Odin’s stepping down, Njörðr has become convinced that he too should step down from the throne. And because Queen Frigga has passed the only possible person to reign over Vanaheim is my husband.”

 

“He’s a prince,” Clint said, horrified at their reason to try to piss Loki off, “Princes become Kings.”

 

“Perhaps ones that know their land but I will be the first to admit that my husband and I are not good for Vanaheim. How can we be, we know nothing of the land, we are of Alfheim.”

 

Clint swallowed and thought on her words as Loki spoke, “My father will not be taking the throne again, I am King now and I will warn you against speaking ill of the King of Asgard.”

 

“Yes, of course–”

 

“We would speak with your father,” Freyr interrupted his wife.

 

Loki turned and sat back on his throne, the smile on his face was sinister, “You  _ will  _ respect me or Vanaheim will suffer.” 

 

Gerðr spoke quickly, “Requesting to see Odin Allfather is not a way of disrespecting you, King Loki, we would just like to inquire on his reasons for passing the throne to his very capable son.” She was tugging on her husband's arm as if to bid him to agree but Freyr didn’t move an inch.

 

“The very fact that you need a reason for my accession is an insult.”

 

Freyr narrowed his eyes, “And what respect do you command, the frail second son, an ergi. Put your father back on the throne, you know not what is best for Asgard.”

 

“No, you say such nasty things but you are no better, you had to buy your wife and have scorned your responsibilities, the only reason you are not fit for Vanaheim is because you have chosen so. You fear destroying your kingdom so you throw words at me that you have no proof of. Apologize and leave now or else the Vanir will no longer be welcomed on Asgard and you will have made your first mistake as King of Vanaheim.” Loki was seething and Clint was restraining himself from comforting him, that word  _ ergi _ , something about it left a foul taste in his mouth and he had a feeling that if he drew closer to Loki it would just add more fire to Freyr’s words. 

 

“We are truly sorry for disrespecting you and would ask you to forgive us and not break the allyship between Vanaheim and Asgard.” Queen Gerðr said and she again tugged on her husband but this time he nodded in agreement.

 

They stood there for a moment before Clint spoke up, “Thank you for meeting with us but I think you two should leave. Guards, please escort the King and Queen of Vanaheim to Heimdall.” Loki was staring at him as he spoke and seemed pleased but Clint could only hope he had done the right thing by dismissing them.

 

But instead of anger they nodded and followed the two Asgardians that had appeared to take them away. 

 

“That didn’t go well at all.”

 

“No, for a moment there I thought I would have to declare war on Vanaheim.”

 

“I’m glad they left but you could’ve let them talk to your Dad for a second. Once he shut them down they would’ve stopped.”

 

“No.” Loki said flatly and left the throne room. 

 

*

 

“ Sága, can you tell me more about Odin’s choosing to step down,” Clint had just finished telling her about the meeting and she had been mortified beyond belief, mostly towards every party besides Clint, thank God. 

 

“Yes, well, it was all very formal. Odin appeared in front of Asgard and stated that due to grief he would be stepping down. He spoke of Thor’s decision to forgo the throne and so Loki, who had miraculously survived, would have to be King instead.”

 

“And that’s normal for Odin? You said the two of you were close enough.”

 

“No, not particularly, I mean to say the way he spoke and presented was like himself but his decision was not. He favored Thor for the throne from the very beginning, as long as Thor lives than Odin will always want him for the throne. However, grief does strange things to even the best of us.”

 

“So you didn’t question it?”

 

“No, how could I?”

 

Clint frowned and tapped his desk something was very wrong here, “I have another question.”

 

“Ask away.” 

 

“What’s an ergi?” Sága’s eyebrows lifted.

 

“Well,” She seemed sheepish, “I don’t think this is particularly a correct term to ever use….”

 

Clint could tell from the way she started that it was a sexuality thing and was already tired of the conversation. 

 

“But it’s used to describe men that practiced  seiðr. Seiðr is sorcery and seen as an unmanly practice.” She coughed after finishing and looked away in embarrassment. 

 

“And…” Clint felt the air around them had thickened.

 

“When it is used it evokes the idea that the man is perhaps unmanly in other acts as well.”

 

If Clint Barton was one thing he was blunt, “Like a guy that takes it in the ass.”

 

Sága looked horrified beyond belief but nodded.

 

Yeah, Clint was done with the conversation.

 

*

 

“It’s been more than a week, Steve,” Natasha was cleaning up the decorations all over her floor. “He didn’t try to contact us for Christmas or New Year’s which isn’t like him at all.”

 

“You know maybe he’s just busy and they don’t celebrate Christmas or New Year’s in Asgard so he forgot to call.” Steve was helping her, he could tell she was stress cleaning but he wasn’t exactly sure how to calm her. 

 

“I need to ask Tony to call Thor’s Dad and make him put Clint on the phone,” Natasha threw something out with just a little too much force.

 

“You’re so overprotective of him, I’m sure he’s fine, he’ll contact us once he has the time and if he takes too long SHIELD will take care of it.”

 

“I don’t trust SHIELD with Clint.”

 

“It’s not their fault it’s not the same,” Steve said softly, they had mostly finished cleaning and were just standing near each other speaking. 

 

“What are you talking about, Rogers?” And it wasn’t a question, Steve could hear it for the threat it was.

 

“It isn’t SHIELD’s fault or your fault that Barton hasn’t been the same since Manhattan.” Steve was trying so hard to be kind.

 

“Steve, you don’t understand, after we got him back he should have… it doesn’t make sense nothing has shaken him so badly before, not even Budapest. And I didn’t know what to do and it just got worse. I think not telling him about you was the last straw.”

 

“His not calling is not revenge on you.” Steve was so sweet and lovely with Natasha. She couldn’t not smile when she understood his words.

 

“You’re always so patient, Rogers. Maybe you should use some of that the next time you and Tony fight.” She joked but she had wanted to say, I don’t know why you’re patient with me when you could choose to be with any other girl in America.

 

“Because patience with you pays and scolding is the only way I know how to get Tony to listen to me. He’s like Howard in that way.” Natasha knew that Steve trusted her more than any other Avenger because he felt comfortable making little jokes about his past, he knew she wouldn’t make a big deal of them and may even joke along. She had lost count of the number of times that she had joked about going to Peggy Carter and thanking her for making Steve such an eager lay when they were post-coital. 

 

“You’re so cute when you’re joking.” She said as she punched him on the shoulder lightly.

 

“Hey, you can’t distract me, we need to talk about this.”

 

“Later,” Natasha said and kissed him, barely brushing their lips together. He was always more desperate when she teased him like that.

 

“Nggh,” Desperate already, “No, now.”

 

“‘No, now’ what?” She purred and bit back a smile when Steve’s knees buckled after she pressed her body against his.

 

“Barton, we have to talk about him. You always try to distract me.”

 

“Steve, I don’t want to talk about it right now, I know you’re right and until he misses the deadline Fury has for him I can’t do anything about it,” She shrugged as if it didn’t matter but knew she was going to bring it up every day until then, “Right now you should be using your time to eat me out.”

 

She led him to her bedroom, a grin on both of their faces.

 

*

 

“Ergi,” Clint said as soon as Loki entered the room and said nothing else.

 

“Would you like an explanation or…”

 

“No, I already got one.”

 

“So why are you bringing this up. Freyr is a fool, nothing more.” Loki muttered, he must be tired being king and all but frankly, Clint didn’t care.

 

“You know, back in SHIELD they would give us every piece of information they could think of that was important.”

 

“Why are you telling me this, Clint? We have to go see Vali and Nari for dinner soon and I…”

 

“This would be one of those pieces; nothing screams ‘I’m not from around here’ than not knowing how to respond when a fucking slur is hurled at you. Listen, Loki maybe you’re used to this but I’m not okay.” Clint sighed, he wasn’t that angry but he would have liked to have known about something like this from Loki, not from Sága and certainly not from Freyr. And he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.

 

“What would you have me do? Go back in time and warn you?” Loki seemed so smug and proud of his answer that Clint mostly wanted to ask him to leave. 

 

“No, don’t… ugh, you’re so, why are you being an ass? Just tell me what I need to look out for in the future.”

 

Loki wasn’t making eye contact at all, “You heard the worst of it already, ergi and argr. They mean the same thing but are different parts of speech.”

 

Clint sighed, “Why be with me so publicly if you’re going to have to deal with this sort of shit?”

 

“I’m King and I shall bed who I choose, let them hate me, I am already used to it,” Loki paused for a moment and turned to look at Clint, “And as I have said before I have grown very fond of you, now that you are here a few words will not derail me.”

 

Clint had to forgive him a bit when he heard Loki’s words, “Am I gonna get called shit too?”

 

“No, people will likely assume you are the domineering one.” Loki’s wild grin made Clint go red.

 

“Ha, I bet you think you’re so funny.”

 

He was still smiling, “Yes, I suppose others might respect me more if they knew how you whine and whimper under me but frankly that’s none of their business.”

 

“No,” Clint whispered, “It’s really not.” 

 

Loki was walking over and the issue was resolved so Clint should feel better and Loki had said the closest thing to ‘I love you’ that could ever honestly come out of his mouth so why was it still there? What was bothering him?

 

Loki sat on their bed, leaned in for a kiss and Clint whispered words he didn’t even know he was thinking, “Did you kill your father?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whooo, I didn't mention this in the last chapter cause I wasn't sure if I could manage it and tbh I'm still not sure I'm gonna be able to manage it my entire winter break but I wanna have relatively frequent updates during my break. But, beginning of drama in this chapter! And as always this fic isn't beta read and all feedback is appreciated.


	23. Chapter 23

Loki froze, “Which one?”

 

“What?” Clint was expecting a few answers but not that one.

 

Loki pulled back and looked confused at his own answer before smiling, “Why are you asking such a question?”

 

“No, answer mine first.” Clint knew what the answer was from the way Loki was avoiding the question.

 

He smiled, “Whether or not I did changes nothing.”

 

“No, no, it does. Is Thor even alive? I asked Sága about how you became King and she said Thor declined the crown, is that true at all or did you kill your whole family?”

 

Loki sighed, “I killed Odin, I did not kill Thor, he truly did decline the throne, he did not know that he was talking to me and not his father but that does not change his decision. I gave him a true chance to become King and he did not desire it, I am the only Odinson left and so King I became.”

 

“Why did you kill him?”

 

“Hmm, well, what else was there to do? I had to rid myself of the old fool somehow, he would never give up hoping Thor would want to become king but we all know he is not fit for the throne.”

 

Clint shook his head, “You make it sound so clinical, like its a mission but he was your father.” Clint hated his father with all his guts, the bastard had done so much to him but he tried to imagine killing Harold, instead of the car accident doing it, and he couldn’t, too many emotions and then he imagined his mother’s reaction to the news and his throat went tight.

 

“No,” Loki hissed bitterly, “No, he was not my father, he never was.”

 

“Loki…” Clint started but Loki held his hand up to stop him.

 

“Let’s not speak on this anymore.” Usually, Clint would just obey and hope that Loki could take care of it but the sinking feeling was still there in his gut.

 

“No, wait, why isn’t Thor here?”

 

Loki scowled, “One of my favorite features of yours is your desire to obey me when against all others you resist.”

 

Clint took a deep breath, it felt like the room was closing in on him, he wasn’t sure what was going to happen if he kept pushing but he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t, “Answer me, please.”

 

Loki’s hands were balled up tightly, “Thor is otherwise occupied, I think with that mortal girl he has come to favor. And he has no want to check on Asgard.”

 

Clint perked up at the end of his answer, “What do you mean ‘he has no want to check on Asgard’?”

 

“It’s a simple spell really,” Loki looked so proud of his explanation and of his magical abilities but Clint just went cold, “When he thinks on Asgard, he is encouraged to instead think of something else.”

 

“Is it like what you did to me?” Clint asked mortified.

 

“No, the tesseract was a very complete spell, this is far simpler, he retains his agency but can’t get in the way of my plans.”

 

“That’s not very reassuring, Loki.”

 

“How so?” Loki was still sitting close to him and Clint had to stand in frustration.

 

“He deserves to do whatever he wants, even if it messes with your ‘great plans,’” Clint was huffing.

 

Clint couldn’t breathe, he was spiraling and he could feel it. All he heard when Loki talked was ‘I desire submission in everyone and will obtain it even if I have to break and change everyone around me for it’ and that was something Clint couldn’t let go unchecked. The way Loki treated him, the way their relationship worked, Clint was fine with that –more than fine actually, he loved it– but to think that Clint’s reaction to Loki made Loki think he could do whatever he wanted to everyone made Clint sick.

 

Loki stood up to glare down at Clint, “Even though Thor would come here, tear you and my children away from me and imprison me for life you are asking me to ‘free’ him from a spell that does him no harm.”

 

“It’s not that simple, it’s the principle. You think you can just use magic to get what you want but the people you affect _suffer_.”

 

“Did you suffer?”

 

“Yes!” Clint shouted and Loki looked heartbroken, “You hurt me so badly, you and I both know I wouldn’t even be here if you hadn’t brainwashed me during the Manhattan invasion.”

 

“So what is this then? Revenge? Get close to me so you can tell my brother and your team of all my secrets? Or perhaps you’d like an apology?” Loki was breathing heavily and Clint could see the desperation in his eyes.

 

“No, that’s not what I want, I just want you to realize that your actions have consequences.” Loki’s frown deepened further.

 

“You sound like a parent, asking me to change for the better.”

 

Clint stormed away from Loki to the desk on the other side of the bed, “I can’t ask that of you, can’t ask you to think about other people before you act but you’re allowed to ask me to stay loyal to you, to abandon my team and my planet and to be a father to two kids that aren’t even mine. You know what, I’m done. Go eat dinner I want to shoot an arrow through your fucking mug right now.”

 

“I’m sorry that I am not the person you thought me to be.” So defensive, always so defensive, Clint just wished he could listen.

 

“No, no, no,” Clint said looking at the wooden desk in front of him, a book open to Loki’s scribbles, “You’re exactly what I knew you to be, I just hoped you could be a little better.”

 

Something about what he said broke through to Loki and he whispered, “Barton…”

 

“Just leave, Loki.” And Clint flinched when he heard the door bang shut.

 

Clint flipped through the book in front of him, it must have been very old because some of the writing was clearly that of a young child, just learning to write, in fact.

 

 _16 Tvímánuður_ _,_ _Laugardagr_

 

_Mommy gave me this book for my birthday and told me to write in it every day to practice my writing and for when I’m older whatever that means._

 

Clint smiled and imagined a younger Loki sitting where he was sitting, swinging his legs and writing in a diary he got for his birthday. Clint wondered how young he was when he wrote the entry Clint had started before shaking his head and closing the book. Stupid, Clint needed to figure out a way to go home, he was angry at Loki and couldn’t be around him anymore, although… if Loki continued with his diaries as he got older maybe he could find one close to the Manhattan invasion.

 

Clint stood and walked over to Loki’s bookcase, he looked at the book he had left on the desk, it was the most undecorated thing he had seen in Asgard so far, with reddish brown leather and ‘Loki’ engraved on the spine in gold writing. When he turned back he was faced with far too many books that fit the description then he could feasibly read. Clint grabbed three diaries from different areas of the bookshelf and hoped that one of them was around the time frame he was looking for.

 

_20 Þorri_

 

_Why is that whenever midwinter approaches my brother becomes insufferable? We’re all tired of having to stay inside but I don’t sick my three foolish friends on my younger brother and bother him about being ergi. And if I am as they so describe than surely Sif wouldn’t favor me._

 

Clint laughed slightly, this probably wasn’t it but there was something so humorous and sweet about Loki complaining like any average teenager, although hearing that Thor and his friends bullied him did leave a sour taste in his mouth.

 

 _She tried to kiss me today from which I_ ~~_fled_~~ _left gracefully but how could I engage when she is probably only doing do so out of pity, or to find something new to tease me about? Even if I did like her I would never pursue her, she’s my brother’s friend (and betrothed although Mother and Father like to pretend that’s not true) and one can’t like me and Thor, that’s nigh impossible._

 

_I’m planning a prank, I found this color changing spell in one of Mother’s old spell books, I’m going to enchant some shears with it and cut off her stupid blonde hair. I know she’ll hate me afterward but at least she’ll leave me be._

 

_Loki_

 

Clint laughed boisterously, he didn’t realize he had needed a laugh that badly but he had. Loki being so embarrassed of having a girl like him that he decided to cut her hair off was something straight out of a nineties sitcom. Clint closed the book, Loki sounded too young to be what Clint was looking for.

 

 _Harpa,_ _Sumardagurinn fyrsti_

 

 _It’s only fitting that I should have met Sigyn_ _Lóðurrsdottir on the first day of summer, she is like…_

 

Clint closed that book as well, certainly not what he was looking for but the waxing poetry that went on for a page and a half made Clint think that perhaps Loki was more mature than he was before, so he was going in the right direction.

 

He went to open the last one when he heard Loki re-enter the room.

 

“You’re back early,” Clint tried, he was still angry, he was, but it was a bit hard when he was holding a book that contained pages of embarrassing diary entries by a younger Loki.

 

Loki pulled a book from thin air and threw it at Clint, Clint caught the book and held it close, “That’s the one you’re looking for. The entry is dated 10 Gormánuður.” He had said the sentence as if he were delivering terrible news.

 

Loki turned and left before Clint could try to explain himself. Clint felt nauseous as he flipped the book looking for the date. He knew whatever he was going to find was not going to be pleasant.

 

 _10 Gormánuður_      

 

_Thor’s coronation is tomorrow, it felt like the day would never come but come it has. He isn’t mature enough, isn’t enough of a leader to rule Asgard, I just wish Father would postpone it a bit longer until Thor learned to act. Mother agrees but doesn’t say anything to Father and my words don’t reach his ears at all. I just want what is best for us, I may have done things in the past that make others deem me untrustworthy but the truth is not a foreign concept to me, I wield it when I see fit. I have something planned and I can only hope that Thor’s reaction will be enough to show Father how childish he remains._

 

_Loki_

 

 _11_ _Gormánuður_

 

_I am not who I thought I was, not what I thought I was. I am a monster, a freak, a spring eater and cold bringer, a Jotun, a frost giant! And fa, no Odin, Odin knew all this time what I was and said nothing. He fed me lies of being King someday when he would never dare have let a frost giant so much as touch it, a tool for peace long forgotten. If only the nine realms knew, they would call him the God of Lies and not me._

 

Clint touched the page, “Oh, Loki,” he whispered. He had had a bit of an abbreviated lesson of the Jotun, Sága promised a more fleshed out one in the coming days after the meeting with the Vanir royalty but her disgust and mistrust were evident. Clint could only imagine that that was how Loki was taught to feel, especially because they had the same teacher. The hatred and despair were pouring off the page.

 

_At least now I know why he has always trusted and loved Thor far more than me._

 

_Loki_

 

Clint flipped the page and the next and the next but every other page in the book after that entry was blank.

 

“Damn,” he said to himself, he had to find Loki.

 

Clint closed the book, set it down and ran from the room. He collided with something solid and unmovable.

 

“Damn,” Clint cursed as he rubbed his face.

 

“Barton,”

 

“Loki, I–”

 

“I have alerted Heimdall that you will be leaving.”

 

“What, no, what are you talking about?” Clint couldn’t leave, even when he had thought that he had only wanted some personal space to think, not to be sent away like a bad child.

  
Loki frowned and Clint could see the fading redness around his eyes, _oh Loki_ , “It’s time for you to go home, Barton. We’re done.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :P


	24. Chapter 24

“Loki, please, no,” Clint was pleading as Loki was dragging him away from the bedroom that had gone from being Loki’s to theirs. Clint was trying so hard not to yell at him but instead, he whimpered, “Loki, you’re hurting me.”   
  
Loki dropped his arm like he was made of fire, “Barton, I don’t want your pity or anger or hate thrown at me. If you feel that way, and you must, then you need to go home.”

 

“I don’t feel that way, dumbass. Did you feel that way when you found out I was deaf?”

 

Loki looked confused, “No, of course not.”

 

“Loki, when I found out I was deaf, I hated myself and I even refused to learn sign language. I think some part of me thought that if I just ignored the thing I hated about myself that it would go away but it didn’t,” Clint pointed at his hearing aids, “It was still there and it’s still here and it will be until I die because even if I could change it I wouldn’t, my deafness informed a lot of the decisions that I made through my life and sure some of them were bad decisions, fucking terrible actually, the type of shit that’s frankly embarrassing, but that’s life, you find a way to move past it and keep going and be okay with who the fuck you are.”

 

Loki sneered, “You don’t understand, how could you possibly want–”

 

“Want what?” Clint asked softly.

 

“How could you possibly want to be with me?” He hissed, “How can you want me when you know what I am? I already felt the beginning of your desertion when you spoke of Thor and then to see you reading those old books pushed me to show you what you so obviously desperately wanted to see. And now that you know the truth of the monster you have been bedding, how could you ever desire me again?”

 

Clint scratched the back of his neck, “Loki, I’m gonna be honest, I don’t feel any of that, like at all. The Thor thing brought up  _ personal _ problems I have with magic and also, man, couples fight sometimes. It’s totally fine if we have arguments every once in awhile, it just means we have to work on communicating with each other, which I know is hard for the both of us. I’ve never talked as much as I have around you before so this is a steep learning curve for me. And the Jotun thing, honestly, you have to realize it’s not any weirder for me than sleeping with an Asgardian, they’re both alien species to me.”   
  
“You wouldn’t say the same if you saw me.”

 

“If I saw you?” Clint felt pinned under Loki’s gaze.

 

Loki walked back to the room and held the door open for Clint; he shut the door and locked it.

 

“I gave you a chance to leave, no one can say I am not merciful,” Loki murmured softly. He rolled his head and shoulders and then Loki’s skin started to turn a dark blue. He made eye contact with Clint and Clint hadn’t expected his eye color to change but Loki’s eyes were red, “Would you like to take my offer to leave now?”

 

Clint looked at him and was mesmerized, there was something strikingly beautiful about Loki and the way he was. Clint was almost speechless especially because it was still Loki, still his sharp gaze, cheekbones and haughty nature but with a new body to learn.

 

“Are you cold?”

 

“What?”

 

“If I touch you will you be cold?” Clint moved forward and Loki flinched away.

 

“Yes, but I’ll kill you.” 

 

“Oh, that’s no fun.” Clint let his hand drop, “I think you look nice, actually.”

 

Loki scoffed, “What are you saying, you can’t think that, I’m a monster.”

 

Clint shrugged, “Not to me, I promise.”

 

Loki shook his head, “I–”

 

“Oh, you don’t understand me, I know,” Clint smirked and shrugged, “Maybe you never will, but giving up and sending me away isn’t gonna do you any good, will it? I’m still upset over the Thor thing and I think you should take the spell off of him but that argument can wait until tomorrow at least, I’m tired and hungry.”

 

Loki let his white skin hide his blue skin again, “I am not oft at a loss for words, Barton, this is a most impressive feat.”

 

“Well, thanks, Princess,” Clint said and kissed Loki’s cheek.

 

“No, I don’t like that very much,” Loki chuckled softly as he wove his fingers through Clint’s hair, “And you do not wish to leave?”

 

“No way, my King,” Clint smirked, “I’m pissed as all hell but I’m staying here, you can’t get rid of me.”

 

Loki blinked, “You should call me ‘my King’ more often and I am most glad that you wish to stay even with the knowledge of what I am and what I have done.”

 

“Yeah,” Clint laughed, tears welling in his eyes, he was just so glad that their argument hadn’t ended in complete disaster even though it felt like it would, “I could sleep for a decade.”

 

“Rest,” Loki all but cooed, “I will be here when you awaken, my heart.”

 

*

 

“My wife, I do not think–”

 

“Quit your incessant whining, we were humiliated by King Loki and that would be fine if it meant we were back on Alfheim, but no, he has damned us to rule over Vanaheim. Love, I know you herald from there but I detest Vanaheim... and Asgard for that matter,”  Gerðr dressed in all black was whispering to Freyr. 

 

“I agree,” Freyr sighed, “But I do not think  _ this  _ is the way to go about returning home.”

 

“Have you thought of a better idea? No, you haven’t so we’re doing this.”

 

Gerðr was not particularly fond of Vanir magic but she had to admit that it was powerful and discreet, as a light elf she couldn’t wield it but since her husband came from Njörðr, he could. Vanir magic was the only way they could achieve what must be done to hold an upper hand over King Loki and  _ encourage  _ him to put Odin back on the throne.

 

Freyr and Gerðr stood perfectly still in the dark room looking at the Prince Consort sleeping in the king’s bed. He was tossing and turning slightly, he wasn’t at peace in his rest.

 

“Loki,” The man groaned and tossed his head to the left, he wasn’t just having a fitful sleep, he was having a nightmare. 

 

“It’s a bit disgusting, to think that the King of Asgard would lay with a man,” Freyr muttered as he eyed the man suffering in the bed.

 

“Shh, are you ready?”  Gerðr was annoyed with her husband’s sentiments but she was also nervous about getting caught, the Vanir magic they were using should protect them from any such fear but Gerðr didn’t just dislike Vanir magic she distrusted it. She loathed to think of what would happen to Vanaheim if they were imprisoned for their crime, it was entirely possible that Loki would demand Vanaheim as payment and the two realms in his hand? She shuddered at the very thought. 

 

“Yes, let’s get this over with.” Freyr leaned over the Prince and tapped his forehead with a slightly glowing finger, “That should keep him asleep.”

 

“Perfect, now let’s make our leave.”

 

Freyr hoisted the Prince into his arms and they fled, taking a package they knew had importance while lacking the true scope of their crime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess Clint really is leaving Asgard


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Here's a gift from me to you!

Nari had never seen his Daddy cry before and he didn’t like it, not at all.  Nari had started to sneak into his Daddy’s room at night when Vali started to snore so loudly it woke him and then leave in the early morning so Daddy wouldn’t scold him, he didn’t think when he came in that night he would see what he saw. His Daddy clutching a strange looking shirt and sobbing. He put the shirt down and rolled his shoulders, Nari saw him wipe his tears away and felt upset himself. Whatever made his Daddy so sad must’ve been really bad and it made him want to cry too.

 

“Daddy?”

 

“Oh,” He looked startled and came forward, “Nari go back to your room.”

 

Nari was sniffling, he couldn’t leave not when his Daddy was still so upset.

 

“Nari, Daddy’s quite alright. Go back to bed,”

 

“But, but,”

 

“No buts,” he said, grabbed the nanny bell and rang it.

 

Nari Lokason was not a quitter so even as his nanny Hansa lifted him and carried him out of his Daddy’s room he grabbed for him and started to cry.

 

*

 

Clint could barely move, he didn’t remember what he had dreamed about but he was sure it wasn’t pleasant, that didn’t explain why his body felt so heavy or why his mouth tasted like bile. He tried to move but felt something cold and heavy prevent him from lifting his arms very far.

 

“Loki, after an argument I don’t think it’s cool to try out some new kinky shit, bondage and drugging? You know I’m still mad about yesterday.” Clint sounded so strange to his own ears, he was slurring all his words together, like a stream of consciousness but also like he was at the bottom of a pool trying to hear someone at the surface. 

 

He still hadn’t opened his eyes and it almost felt like he couldn’t, he swallowed and his mouth really tasted like shit.

 

“Uh, Loki?”

 

“Loki’s not here,” Clint hissed at the deep voice that he was struggling to recognize. 

 

“Fuck, where am I?” Clint arched and tried to pull on his restraints. They had left his hands free and if they were human they would be dead already but no matter how hard he tried he wasn’t even going to make a dent in the skin of a possible Asgardian.

 

“It matters not, hopefully, you will be with your beloved King soon enough,” The voice patiently answered.

 

Clint stopped struggling when he felt that even with all his strength the restraints didn’t even think of budging, chains made for an Asgardian, figures. Whoever this was was overestimating him by assuming he was Aesir. 

 

“Why take me if you’re gonna give me back so soon?” Clint asked as he tried to open his eyes again to get some bearings.

 

“Well,” and he could tell the person was smiling as they spoke, “Once Loki ??????”

 

_ Damn _ , however they had transported him had damaged his hearing aids more than he had initially thought, “I didn’t quite catch that, wanna say it again?”

 

The voice sighed, “Once Loki complies with our demands, you may go home.”

 

Clint was starting to place the voice but he was so heavy, even in his head, and buried beneath his heavy limbs was this restless, dizzying energy, every element was making it hard for him to focus, “And if he doesn’t comply?”

 

“Then he will never see you again,” The voice replied, “Let us hope you mean enough to him, shall we?” And yep, Clint did know that voice.

 

“Queen  Gerðr, you’re making a huge mistake, Loki isn’t gonna put Odin back on the throne he’s gonna come here and kill you.”

 

“No,” She tutted, “He won’t ever find you if he does such a thing. And ‘Gerðr’ is fine.”

 

Clint heard soft steps after her smug words and started to panic, “Where the fuck am I?”

 

“Relax, I will be back with food and drink shortly.”

 

*

 

Clint couldn’t relax, he could only think about how he and Loki were so close to finding their way back to the happy state they had been in that week before the meeting with Freyr and Gerðr. Clint should have never come to Asgard in the first place, he didn’t belong in the realm of the gods and he never would, being so easily kidnapped felt like the most definite proof.

 

When Gerðr entered the room after an indescribable amount of time, Clint was on the verge of complete panic. 

 

“I’ve returned with food, I understand that magic may be draining on the body and we don’t want you dying on our hands.”

 

“Can you let me see at least?” She sighed at his request before he heard her storm out.

 

Great, he angered his captor already, that had to be a new personal record. Clint was actually hungry too. Clint knew Loki was going to come for him eventually and that he just had to wait and not die but that involved getting the nourishment needed of a regular Earth dude while not letting them know. 

 

“Freyr, use the spell again, we need to move him so he can eat.” And before Clint could protest he was out.

 

Clint wasn’t sure how long he had been put under for but when he woke up he was sitting up and could open his eyes to see. 

 

The room was quaint and warm but it certainly wasn’t the bedroom of a King and Queen, far too small and undecorated. 

 

Gerðr spoon fed him a porridge that had a sweet and sour taste to it, he looked down in the bowl and saw that the regular porridge was swirled with something white in color. Clint ate without asking questions because he wasn’t sure if the dish was common or not and he didn’t want to risk revealing himself. He mumbled a thanks when the bowl was empty and they both exited the room.

 

Clint groaned and wished he had something to do to pass the hours before he had to go to bed but it appeared that his captors were interested in boring him to death. 

 

*

 

Natasha was leaning her head on Steve’s shoulder, “Steve, don’t say anything until I’m done but I want to go visit Clint in Asgard, his birthday is soon and he missed Christmas. I usually get him one joint present and a punch,” She sighed, “I bought him his present and I need it to leave my sight.”

 

Natasha felt the hand gripping her side tighten, she was always shocked at Steve’s total control over his body, he had never hurt her when he held her and this was not an exception. The pressure at her waist was a comfort and not a pain, he kissed up her neck and pressed a firm closed kiss to her mouth once. He did things like that, simple physical gestures when she was too upset to vocalize how deeply she was hurting and he knew whatever words he used would only anger her. 

 

“I’ll go with you,” He said and she felt the beginnings of anger rise in her indeed.

 

When she spoke, she was, of course, completely calm, “Why? You don’t trust me to be alone with my best friend.”

 

“Of course I do, but the trip and Asgard, you’re going to need a partner. And we work so well together,” The last sentence was in the closest thing to a purr Steve could ever manage.

 

“Hmm, I suppose we do, Captain America,” She laid her hand on top of his. She couldn’t say ‘I love you’, but she wanted to, she wished she could, wished she could trust herself and Steve enough because she did love him, at the moment and every moment she was with him since a few months after Manhattan.

 

“You suppose,” He was teasing her but some part of her didn’t want to tease back, she wanted to be serious, to tell him,  _ I love you, please don’t ever leave me, I’m broken and you don’t even want to fix me, you don’t think there’s anything to fix. I want to stay broken with you _ , but she said nothing and let him continue, “Tasha, I think we’re perfect partners.”

 

She smiled at him, she could feel it was insincere, the one she used to charm men into wanting to share a bed with her, the smile that killed men, she never could stay honest for very long, “Is this a marriage proposal?  _ Perfect partners,  _ really?”

 

He looked shocked and shook his head, “No, no, I mean not that I wouldn’t marry you, Tasha but I would never give you such a lackluster proposal. When I do propose, you’ll know,” And he kissed her as if he hadn’t basically told her he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. 

 

She kissed back, climbing onto his lap, her own words echoing in her head, if love was for children then she was a toddler.

 

*

 

Clint had started to hear a buzzing some time ago and he was pretty sure it was one of his hearing aids giving out on him. He could see out the window and it was starting to get dark, he had already started to memorize the sight, the muted colors of the scenery, an animal had scurried by, reptilian in limbs and shape but it had feathers. Then  _ something _ snaked down, vine-like with a yellow tulip as a head, it leaned over the feathered lizard and opened its mouth. Clint had recoiled in horror, the flower had teeth, a full set of human teeth and it bit the feathered lizard in half before eating it raw. He wanted to go home, back to the golden city of Asgard where he didn’t have to confront that he was on an alien planet like he had to deal with chained to a bed watching strange animals eat. The living flower with human teeth slithered past the window sill and out of sight. 

 

He shut his eyes and tried to relax, the buzzing was getting louder and the feeling of fear wasn’t subsiding.

 

“Good evening,” Freyr spoke, “The night is young but you must be exhausted.”

 

He walked across the room and put Clint under again, once he came to he was tied more comfortable and on his back once more. He was tired of them knocking him out to manipulate him and it was leaving him exhausted, Freyr hadn’t even turned the lights off as Clint felt his eyes close.

 

*

 

“Clint? Clint,” He was barely aware of where he was and who was talking to him before he felt arms he was used to pick him up and hold him close.

 

“Lo–Loki?”

 

“Yes, you’re asleep, I was not sure the dreamscape would still be intact enough for me to reach you but it is,” Loki looked so relieved after he put Clint down, “And you are alive.”

 

“Yeah,” Clint replied, he couldn’t focus that well, “but I feel, kinda, not great.”

 

“What do you mean? What are they doing to you? Who took you from me?” Loki asked desperately, Clint felt his rage and remembered when he had mentioned an argument he had with Tony that he told Loki about and Loki’s immediate anger at that, Clint had decided to quell Loki’s anger at that point but he wasn’t going to provide the same luxury for Freyr and Gerðr.

 

Clint said, “Freyr and Gerðr, I think they’re going to contact you with demands very soon and won’t give me back until you comply. They haven’t done much except use this spell to knock me out over and over again and even in here I feel so fucking exhausted.”

 

Loki frowned, “If I am thinking of the same spell, your exhaustion is because every time they perform the spell they are literally sucking the energy out of you. It’s a simple spell but shouldn’t be used in excess, eventually, you will adapt to it, although I doubt they understand something as fundamental as that.”

 

Clint was usually really impressed when Loki spewed knowledge on things he didn’t know about but mostly he just wanted to get back to Asgard and hear Loki say it to him face-to-face.

 

Loki waved his hand suddenly, “But none of that is important currently, where are you?”

 

Clint shrugged, “How would I know?” He just wanted to sleep in Loki’s arms and not think about how he had been kidnapped, the reprieve that he would sometimes be given when he would be tortured as a SHIELD agent was when his captors let him sleep and his body just collapsed in exhaustion. He wanted to rest now that they were letting him rest.    
  
“Describe your setting for me.”

 

Clint looked around and just concentrated, the room blurred and refocused to take the shape of the room he was trapped in. 

 

Loki looked out the window and then walked around the bed before gritting his teeth in frustration, “I know exactly where you are and it will not be easy to return you to me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have this HC that Loki is actually pretty emotional and is just very good at hiding it until no one is around which is why in the last couple chapters he's cried, I mean sure he's gonna be angry that someone took Clint but I think he would also be devastated. Also, the two halves of the story are starting to come together finally and I'm excited even though I'm writing it and know what's gonna happen. 
> 
> As always, this fic is not Beta read and your feedback makes my world go round. I'm serious about that, I don't always reply to every comment but I do read every one and they make me smile and sometimes laugh, getting the email about a new comment really makes my day and makes writing so much easier so thank you to everyone who has ever commented on Holy Tears, you're a real one.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Clint was going to ask where he was but he was waking up, Loki was still talking but he couldn’t hear him at all anymore as he felt the sunlight press against his eyelids. 

 

*

 

“So you want me to send two more of my best to Asgard so I can never hear from them again?” Natasha’s fists were balled as she listened to Fury talk, she let most things go in regards to him, he compartmentalized when necessary and she trusted that he had earned that much over the years but this was personal and he knew it and he  _ still  _ wasn’t going to let her go.

 

“I’m– I’m asking for this as a favor.” Natasha hating the idea of asking for anything from Nick as a favor because it meant that Nick would bring it up as often as he could.

 

“You don’t understand, Romanov, since Barton’s left we have had zero contact with Asgard; total radio silence. We couldn’t even send you to Asgard if we wanted to”

 

“And this should be news to me? I already know and it hasn’t even been a month yet, you have time until he needs to contact you.”   
  
“No,” Nick shook his head, “I told Barton he had to contact me within a month but Odin and I were in contact  _ extensively  _ before Barton left and we agreed that Asgard and SHIELD would be in contact far more often. Since Barton has arrived, that negotiation seems to have been forgotten.” 

 

“And you didn’t tell her?” Steve asked, anger simmering beneath the surface, at Fury’s quirked eyebrow he laughed, “I’m used to you not telling me anything.”

 

Fury continued to look puzzled and Natasha fought down her smile, it had been hard but she, Steve and Clint were the only ones who knew how serious their relationship was. Stark made jokes but he made jokes about everyone.

 

“Rogers, I don’t need you to protect me,” She didn’t look at Steve, he would understand, “But you should have told me if you really haven’t heard anything that’s, even more, reason to send someone to check.”

 

Fury sighed, “You’re not gonna let this go, are you?” 

 

He looked between the two of them and set his face, “How much time would you need?”

 

Steve and Natasha looked at each other, “48 hours.”

 

“You have 24 once you get there and you’ll have to find Thor to get any headway into getting to Asgard so good luck with  _ that _ , now get out of my office.”

 

*

 

The good thing about short missions was not having to pack; after Clint had left he took almost everything from his floor with him. Natasha remembered standing in the nearly empty room and feeling a stunning sense of loss. Maybe Steve was right about her mourning Clint like an actual widow, she looked over at him murmuring something about Fury to himself and knew that if he up and left like that the feelings of loss would have been even more profound. 

 

The bad thing about short missions was also not having to pack because it meant that she was going to go sick with worry instead of throwing together funds and clothes and a place to stay.

 

“This is a lot more serious than we thought, Nat,” It hadn’t been hard to contact Thor actually, SHIELD had their file on Jane Foster and Thor was there right alongside her, he had said that Heimdall should have no problem listening to him and sending the three of them to Asgard.

 

“Yeah, I know but it’s good that we asked,” She said as he grabbed her wrist, so affectionate, “If there is a problem– if Clint is in trouble, we can bring him home.”

 

“You’re right but,” Steve sighed, “You’re right.”

 

And then Steve hugged her, just hugged her like when they had first started to be friends and he wanted to reassure her.

 

“Why–” She had never asked this question in their whole relationship, “Why have you always been so physical and affectionate with me.” It came out like less of a question and more of an observation.

 

“Because you need it,” He whispered into her neck and she shuddered at the raw truth behind it because she did need it, she did but she never let herself have it.

 

Steve peeled back from her, walked over to her dresser and pulled out a soft set of pajamas he had bought for her for Christmas (amongst far too many other things). He undressed her and she pulled the pajamas on, “It’s 3 in the afternoon, Steve.”

 

“Yeah but you need this too,” He said as he held her again and snuck his hand under her shirt to thumb at her scar and at the soft lining of the shirt. Steve had this thing about touch– and Natasha had too right after she had been taken into SHIELD by Clint and allowed to own things that she had wanted because she wanted them– everything had to be felt if it weren’t a mission so that they knew they were as safe as possible. Steve touched, ran his fingers through everything, it had recently subsided but that didn’t mean that he stopped and he certainly could appreciate soft clothing even if he hated his mattress. So he bought little pieces of casual, civilian clothes that were so soft and they were usually women's clothes so he would give them to Nat. She had a collection of scarves, sweaters, and socks that she would never wear (not because she didn’t like them but because  _ when  _ would she). For Christmas, she could only guess that he wanted to give her something she could actually wear and invested in the softest set of pajamas she had ever felt. She hadn’t deserved it and it took all of her willpower to not say so and she still felt that way as the fabric was smoothed back down by Steve’s fingers. 

 

“Nat, if it’s real bad on Asgard, just know I’ll be looking out for you,” She clutched the hand resting on her strong stomach. 

 

“Rogers, if you even think about getting hurt when we’re in Asgard, I’ll fucking kill you and then I’ll kill Barton for getting us into this mess.”

 

*

 

Clint stretched as much as his binding allowed which was really just flexing his muscles over and over again. No one had come in to check on him since he had woken up and so the window wasn’t even open, he had absolutely nothing to look except the room he was trapped in.

 

Clint remembered that Loki had said that it would be hard for him to bring Clint back to Asgard and Clint couldn’t fathom why the room he was in looked normal enough.

 

Clint threw his head back onto his pillow and groaned, he was so bored.

 

*

 

Steve Rogers was a master at making someone forget how much time had to pass, when he was younger and it was just him and Buck, this was a skill that was crucial for them both to have. There were days when Steve was ready to jump out of his skin and same with Bucky, one would entertain the other to the best of their abilities on days like those and there were so many days like those, oh so many, to the point where Steve had become the master. Natasha knew this because she had heard all of those stories and so she also knew that Steve was employing them to distract her from her racing thoughts; he had been doing well, the rest of the day and the night had passed by quickly enough because of him but now as the two waited at the rendezvous point for Thor it annoyed her more than anything else. 

 

“Friends!” Natasha and Steve would’ve jumped out of their skin if they weren’t trained the way they were as Thor yelled and nearly pounced on them both. 

 

“Let’s just go,” Natasha said, rolled her shoulders and resisted the urge to grab Steve’s hand as Thor yelled and the sky opened in a shower of rainbow lights.      

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit is about to start!!!! As always this fic isn't beta read and all feedback is appreciated.


	27. Chapter 27

The man standing in the expansive room of gold, Heimdall if Natasha remembered correctly from Thor’s stories and the Jane Foster file, looked dazed at his own actions but still pleased to see Thor.

 

“Good Heimdall, how has Asgard been in my absence?” Thor asked, “And does my Father know I have returned?”

 

“I–” His hesitation clearly disturbed Thor but he continued, “you shall see.”

 

Natasha wanted to ask for a clearer answer to Thor’s question because the state of Asgard related to the state of Clint. But Thor didn’t question any further and instead opened his arms to fly all three of them to the palace.

 

Once they landed Natasha had to readjust because traveling by Bifrost plus flying through the sky at whatever high-speed Thor’s hammer went it was not natural for a human body, even one trained like hers. So she almost, _almost,_ missed all of the beauty of the palace of Asgard. The golden exterior and the art of the royal family (part of her stomach churned when she saw the ceiling paintings and how Loki was still featured), it was arguably grand and beautiful or maybe gaudy, Natasha couldn’t decide yet.

 

She could never miss the sight of a middle age woman standing and conversing with _Loki_ , she felt her blood run cold and she stopped. Thor must have seen him first because by the time she had noticed he was halfway to the pair and Steve must have noticed last because he bumped into her still body.

 

“Brother,” Thor called, “I thought you dead, again.” Natasha was dumbfounded but she also wanted to let out a small bitter laugh at ‘again’, why wouldn’t the fucker just stay dead?

 

“Why was I not alerted to your return?” Thor asked, “How do you live?”

 

Loki sneered and Natasha couldn’t imagine reacting to someone’s relief at her being alive with such unrestrained disdain. Something about that expression restarted her body and made her run forward with Steve in tow, he must have been trying to get her attention to pull her forward but he would have never forced her along.

 

“None of that is important right now,” Loki hissed and the woman near him touched his arm softly.

 

Natasha came forward, she still remembered how to crack at Loki’s shields and didn’t care about whatever she left in her wake, she was going to pry Clint from his hands and bring him back home safe and sound.

 

“Loki,” She spoke dangerously softly, ready to strike but before she could the woman next to him interrupted.

 

“Who are you that you may speak in such a way to the King of Asgard?” Natasha heard it for the threat it was but she wasn’t Asgardian and frankly couldn’t care less about their rules about how she should speak to, wait, _King?_

 

“Sága, of what do you speak? My father is king,” Thor’s confusion rivaled Natasha’s.

 

“Your father stepped down some time ago, and well, you had no desire to become king so,” She gestured at Loki and it was clear that he was the answer.

 

“So,” Steve started, “It doesn’t matter what he’s done, he can just become King? Do you even care? Do you know how many you’ve killed and hurt? How much you hurt Clint?” He was holding back anger where Natasha felt horrified. After he finished he sidestepped to get closer to her and placed his hand on her shoulder, she heard the unspoken last question, _How much you hurt her?_

 

Loki’s face hadn’t changed from the impassive look he had adopted right after he had spoken to Thor, “I do not have time for this, not now.”

 

Natasha felt Loki’s mood changing and he was King apparently so he could do what he wanted to her and Steve, she wasn’t gonna spend even one second in some dungeon not knowing where Clint was.

 

“What did you do to Clint? If Odin stepped down a while ago then you were the one talking to Fury, weren’t you? So you could lure him here and what?” She took a breath, “You can lock us up or whatever you want if you let me see Clint.”

 

Loki just looked at her (and the woman standing next to him looked just about ready to smack her for her disrespect), she knew how shabby her lie was, she wasn’t the type to just go quietly once she saw whatever state Clint was in, she was going to get him the hell away from Loki.

 

“I am not at all inclined to believe that, Agent Romanov; but that matters not, he is not here,” He looked away and if Natasha thought he was capable of the feeling she would say he looked ashamed, “He has been taken and I am searching for him.”

 

‘Taken’ didn’t perk her ears up the way it would have if it were a SHIELD agent telling her that he had been kidnapped, knowing Loki it was most likely a lie. Clint was gone for sure, that wasn’t a lie he could maintain for a long period of time and he had no idea how long Steve and Natasha would fight to stay but she doubted it was because someone kidnapped him and instead because Clint had fled.

 

She had to find him before Loki did, “Let us help locate him.” Steve’s hand gripped her shoulder tighter and she was so grateful that he had come.

 

Loki raised an eyebrow, “I do not require your help.”

 

She clenched her fist before relaxing again, “Don’t you need someone to go out and do the work for you? You’re king now and can’t go out yourself,” If Natasha had to show respect to Loki to make sure Clint got back safe, she would. She was even ready to beg or fight if it meant finding Clint in one piece.

 

“Why would I trust you?” Loki said, as if the fact was as plain as day, “I’d rather send the warrior’s three.”

 

Thor shook his head, “Brother, we have so much to discuss. Why did you bring Barton here? And if you can not trust my teammates, perhaps you will allow me to help?” And then Thor whispered so softly Natasha couldn’t hear but she looked up to Steve and he nodded. God, she was glad Steve had come with his super soldier hearing.

 

“No,” Loki said flatly, he looked ready to leave but then the woman next to him grabbed his arm.

 

“These are his friends,” She whispered, “You should show them and you know I can help you keep it stable enough for at least one more.”

 

“Sága,” Loki said.

 

“Loki,” She returned sternly.

 

Loki sighed and she nodded, “Well it’s decided then, come nightfall one of you will be able to converse with Clint. You can decide amongst the three of you.”

 

“Wait, what? How are we going to talk to him?” Steve asked.

 

“It will be evident once the time comes, just decide who will go, remember it can only be one of you.”

 

“While that’s all nice, nightfall won’t be for some time so I do hope the two of you don’t mind being in a cell until then. I mean, not that there’s a choice. Guards!”

 

Two different armored men came forward, “Put them in my old cell.”

 

Steve and Natasha were guided away through the palace and down into the surprisingly light and clean dungeon.

 

They sat side by side and the first thing Natasha asked was, “What did Thor say?”  
  
Steve looked at her, “This isn’t how I imagined this trip going, you know,” Natasha was almost annoyed but he continued, “Thor said, ‘I can see you are plagued with worry, tell me the truth of what has happened since your return.’”

 

“Worry?” Natasha questioned, “Worry? He didn’t look all that worried to me.”  
  
Steve shrugged and stared out the golden forcefield in front of them, “Thor’s known him a lot longer than we have, maybe he’s right. I mean you kept saying we should check on Clint all that month when he was avoiding us and I thought we should give him space. In the end, you were right and we should have checked in even sooner. You know him better than I do and I should have trusted that maybe we should do that for Thor.”

 

“We need to get him back, Steve, ASAP.”

 

“You should be the one to go, Natasha,” Steve said, “I don’t know what’s going to happen but I know you can handle it and I’ll be here waiting once you come back.”

 

Steve smiled softly and although it was a bad idea she pressed a soft kiss to his mouth before pulling back entirely, “Yeah, I need to see him.”

 

*

 

Night came fast enough and Natasha was guided away from Steve and the dungeons back up to and past the throne room into a classroom setting but with two mattresses on the floor instead of desks.

 

“What is this?”

 

“I should have known it would be you,” Loki said more to himself than her.

 

Sága came forward, “I can explain quickly, both of you are going to lie on a bed and once Loki falls asleep I can guide you to their shared dreamscape.”

 

“Excuse me?” All the words made sense to Natasha but together they didn’t seem possible.

 

“Trust me, you will talk to the Prince,” Natasha’s eyes widened but Loki was already on one of the mattresses. She got onto the free bed and tried not to think about what it meant that Loki was King and this woman just called Clint ‘Prince’.

 

She didn’t have to wait long before she heard Loki’s deep breathing and Sága’s hand was placed on her forehead. Natasha felt her body lurch forward, she opened her eyes and struggled to not make a sound. She was somewhere dark and ominous but looking ahead she saw Loki and glancing down there was a hand in hers with no body attached to it. She could see that it was Sága’s from the few moments in close proximity to the woman. The hand pulled her forward to Loki who glanced up at her in distaste.

 

“Where are we?” She asked quietly, her instincts told her not to speak any louder.

 

“He’s not asleep yet. We are where my dreams occur when I am not where we are going.”

 

As they waited she started to hear voices, soft, slithering and laughing. Natasha felt a strong hand grab her ankle and Loki pulled her out of its grasp before letting go of her. She didn’t like that they were waiting like sitting ducks in one of Loki’s supposed nightmares. There was a deep guttural laugh, that same voice tutted Loki’s name, Loki didn’t even flinch and Natasha wanted to turn but a pinpoint of light appeared.

 

“We’re going through here, let go of the hand once we cross the threshold, Sága will continue to help but she won’t need such direct contact.”

 

Natasha nodded and they walked into the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's cliche to say but I've been going through this thing were right before I go to bed I know exactly what I wanna write and then the next morning I've lost the words I had the night before, it's esp frustrating when you go to bed at like 2/3 am because you were trying to work at a time when no one can bother you cause you're home for the holidays. Ahh well, such is the life of an author.
> 
> I hope this chapter was alright even though it took so long for me to get it out and was nearly impossible for me to write. All of the players are on the same stage now!
> 
> Anyway, as always this fic isn't beta read so all mistakes are my own and all feedback is extremely appreciated.


	28. Chapter 28

Clint had waited all day to go to sleep because if he knew Loki then he knew that he would be coming to see Clint. 

 

When Clint finally fell asleep, he stretched in his dream although he knew that it wouldn’t help him for when he woke up, he looked over, saw Loki and ran into his arms. Clint brushed his lips over Loki’s who didn’t respond, Clint’s breath got caught in his chest, Clint hadn’t gotten so cold of a response since he had been brainwashed. He wasn’t one to suffer in silence, he would’ve confronted Loki about it if he hadn’t heard a tiny shocked noise. 

 

“Clint?” He heard a voice ask, a voice he would have recognized anywhere. 

 

He turned and smiled, “Nat? You’ve never been in one of these dreams before, most people haven’t actually,” He finished with a murmur.

 

“She’s here, Clint,” Loki whispered, he sounded bitter as he stepped back from Clint.

 

Clint turned his head to Loki and then back to Natasha, “You’re here? How are you–”

 

“I’m in Asgard looking for you. You came here and we lost all contact, plus your birthday is coming up,” She smiled but then it fell as she continued, “You wanna explain all of this? Don’t withhold any details, for example, why did you just kiss him?”

 

She sounded so horrified and Clint was lost for words. He kept trying to start talking before he scratched his arm and sighed.

 

“Since Manhattan I’ve been different, it’s like I’m wired differently or something, I don’t know but I started– I,” Clint couldn’t finish speaking.

 

“He’s mine,” Loki said coldly, “And I would much rather you two continue this conversation once he’s home,”

 

Natasha stepped forward, “Home as in Earth.”

 

“Don’t be foolish, it doesn’t suit you, Agent Romanov,” Loki hissed as he leaned forward to meet her eye level. 

 

“Hey,” Clint interrupted, “Have this fight later, right now I would really appreciate being rescued.”

 

“Yes, of course,” Loki features smoothed when he looked at Clint, “Saga and I have devised a plan,” Loki held the emerald at the end of the necklace he had gifted Clint, “You’re going to have to use this, I didn’t think you would use it so soon but it is the easiest and quickest way to retrieve you. How are the sleep spells working?”

 

Clint turned to Natasha, “My captors have been using a sleep spell on me whenever they wanna do whatever to me but the effects have been getting weaker.”

 

Loki made a noise of agreement, “Good, soon it will scarcely work at all once that happens and they remove your bindings from your arms, rip the emerald from the necklace.”

 

“Why?” Clint and Natasha both asked but Clint could feel that he was starting to wake up.

 

“Damn,” Clint whispered as Natasha and Loki faded from him.

 

He woke up in the same bed as all the days past and whispered a soft, “See you soon.”

 

*

 

Clint hadn’t lied about the spell getting weaker when they had first used it he sunk into black immediately but now it was more like waterboarded with exhaustion instead of water. Luckily for Clint, he had been waterboarded before and had an idea how to deal. He would just have to wait for when they remembered to feed him, it was usually dinner so Clint had a long day ahead.

 

Clint had gotten used to strange and violent creatures passing by the window and he was sure that he wanted to visit this place (with protection, of course) once he was free. Freyr walked in, pulled a chair up and groaned.

 

“I hate this. I hate it here,” He rubbed his bearded cheeks, Clint had realized he was in Vanaheim some time ago but what Freyr had said felt like confirmation. 

 

“Why are you talking to me?” Clint hissed.

 

“Perhaps I have no one else to talk to,” Freyr said.

 

“That’s pathetic,” Clint said and turned his head to look back out the window, “I don’t want to talk or listen to you.”

 

“Why not?” Freyr said, “Would it truly be horrible if you understood my wife and me.”

 

“Me understanding you isn’t gonna stop Loki from ripping your spine out once he finds me.”

 

“It intrigues me that you have made no attempt on my life yourself, you sit and wait for rescue instead. If I were taken I would not wait for my wife to save me, she is a woman and a light elf, she does not have the strength of warriors.”

 

Clint heard the  _ like us _ at the end of his statement and smiled, Freyr really didn’t want to die and Clint wondered when he realized how poorly he and his wife had fucked up, it didn’t even seem like they had tried to contact Loki yet but here he was trying to suck up to Clint. Like he thought Clint could call Loki off.

 

“Your wife would wait for you, wouldn’t she?” Clint asked, he was actually pretty sure she wouldn’t wait at all. She seemed to be much more headstrong and sure of herself in unyielding situations.

 

Freyr leaned back and sneered, “I have misunderstood. I will never understand those like you, especially the ones so willing to bow to cowards.”

 

Clint smiled, “I’d like to see you call Loki a coward when you don’t have a tongue.”

 

Freyr stood, “I wish you luck, ergi, as you wait for who you have deemed a real man to save you.”

 

Freyr left; Clint knew why he hadn’t tried to leave himself, he was on a planet he had never been to before against a group of people infinitely stronger than him but some part of him was taking what Freyr said to heart. When a SHIELD mission went to shit he would fight tooth and nail to get out because of how long he knew he would stay in captivity before SHIELD tried to retrieve him.

 

Clint pulled on his chains and frowned, going back to his window. 

 

He wished he could say that staring out the window made time go by quickly but really nothing much happened most of the time and so he was just staring out to muted landscape and if he strained he could see a city a bit out. The buzzing had stopped hurting and was more bothering him. He was pretty sure that if he had to deal with this for an eternity he would go insane tomorrow, luckily he knew there was a time limit on his absolute misery. 

 

When the sun had begun to hang low in the sky Freyr and Gerðr entered the room, he called it the sun but a few days in he had realized that the sun seemed to be different shapes, it took him even longer to realize that there must be different stars close enough to effect Vanaheim.

 

“Alright,” Gerðr yawned, “Freyr, put him to rest,” She turned to Clint, “You’re hungry are you not?”   
  
“Yes,” Clint said, a bit over eager but he was excited that he finally was going to get to seize his chance at freedom. 

 

Freyr looked unhappy to be in the same room as Clint but he couldn’t give less of a shit. Freyr placed his finger to Clint’s forehead and Clint felt drowsy and didn’t pass out but he pretended to. Clint knew how to make his body heavy and limp so all he had to do was wait until he was untied.

 

They were complaining an awful lot, “I hate doing this, Gerðr,” He could tell Freyr was fumbling with the chains and releasing Clint’s left arm.

 

“Just do it,” Clint could hear Gerðr tapping her foot impatiently.

 

But then he was free and Clint surged forward, he certainly dislocated his right shoulder but it didn’t matter, he grabbed the necklace and pulled with all his strength and threw it to the ground.

 

“Freyr, why is he awake?” She hissed, they weren’t afraid of him at all, to be fair he wouldn’t be afraid of himself either seeing as he just dislocated his shoulder to rip a piece of jewelry off.

 

“Why would you do that?” Freyr asked, not even looking at what Clint had done, “I don’t know how to heal and no one else knows you are here so you’re going to have to stay like this.”

 

“Is he?” A voice asked before grabbing Freyr’s wrist and crushing it. 

 

Loki was nowhere near finished and looked over at Clint, “You might want to close your eyes, my heart.”   
  
But how could he, Clint felt that he needed to see how this ended and there was such a grace to Loki as he fought.

 

Loki had had the element of surprise and nearly crippled Freyr with it, there was no way he was going to lose. Loki held tightly to the collapse wrist and swung him to the ground before stomping on his face once.

 

“How dare you?” He snarled, “How dare you use my mother’s room against me?”

 

Freyr was gurgling on his own blood and Loki lurched forward to grab Gerðr but she was not as helpless as Freyr had described her and dodged with her forearms protecting her face and throat. Loki pulled a knife from thin air and sliced at her, it connected and she screamed as the blood poured from her fresh cut. 

 

From Loki’s abrupt turn and furious kick, Clint could only guess that Freyr had grabbed Loki. He leaned down and raised Freyr by his neck.

 

“Truly despicable, both of you,” He hissed and tightened his hold on Freyr’s neck. 

 

Freyr gasped and spoke wheezingly, “That’s all? Choke me– after all your prince has said?”

 

Loki turned and looked at Clint, “Would you care to illuminate me? I would love some ideas on what to do to them?”

 

Clint looked at his two captors, Freyr still looked smug with a smashed in face but Gerðr was sobbing and clutching at the frankly shallow cuts on her arms.

 

“A quick death for her,” Clint wasn’t thinking, he was just vocalizing all the anger he had felt at having been separated, he certainly couldn't have said what he said next in a clear state of mind, “And get creative with him.”

 

Loki smirked, it was everything like Manhattan and Clint’s blood ran cold, “I will endeavor to impress.” He dropped Freyr. 

 

He kissed Clint and tasted like blood. Loki stalked over to Gerðr and hoisted her up by the top of her dress.

 

“This was your idea, wasn’t it? He’s far too brash to think of something this clever, but you would. I would let you live if I thought you would respect me and work with me but I foresee a life of hardship if I let you go.”

 

She had stopped crying and Clint realized how quickly he had bought that she was being genuine, “What will happen to Vanaheim?” She asked in a clear and defiant voice. 

 

Loki shrugged, “I haven’t decided yet but you won’t live to see it.”

 

Loki slit her throat as if it meant nothing and the blood spurted all over his face. He dropped her lifeless body and stalked back over to Freyr who had been trying to crawl forward and escape. Loki stomped him down to the floor and looked at the knife covered in Gerðr’s blood.

 

“What do I want to do to you?” Loki mused. He stopped and turned Freyr over, “When you took him it was as if you had ripped my heart from my chest. I think I shall do the same to you.’

 

Clint closed his eyes at those words but he wasn’t gonna stop hearing Freyr’s screams anytime soon.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One problem resolved and oh so many more to go. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and Freyr and Gerðr’s fates. (Also woah I can't believe this thing is longer than 50k words) 
> 
> As always this chapter was not beta read so all mistakes are my own and all feedback is very much appreciated


	29. Chapter 29

Clint opened his eyes once the screams turned whimpers ceased. Loki was covered in blood and gore, He turned to Clint with Freyr’s intact heart in His hand and smiled a warm smile. Everything about the moment turned him into  _ Him  _ again, just for a second, Clint was reminded why he wanted to worship at Loki’s altar.

 

“It’s time to go home,” Loki whispered, dropped the heart and the moment was gone. What was left was the stench of blood and the stain of it across Loki’s clothes and pale skin. It was eerie to look around the room and see the scene, Clint had killed before, been tortured before, he had seen scenes like this before but never with Loki as the main figure. It was entrancing, he almost didn’t want to leave.

 

But he nodded in response, “What about the bodies?”

 

Loki moved forward and placed his less, but still, bloody hand to rest on Clint’s shoulder, he sighed and Clint felt a tingle and knew his shoulder was back in place.

 

“I thought you would like that more than me pushing it back into place.”

 

“Yes, thanks,” Clint said and placed his hand on top of Loki’s, “Thank you so much for coming for me right after that fight.”

 

Loki’s eyes widened, “I was not lying when I spoke to Freyr, you could hate me and I still would have come for you, you’re my heart.”

 

“Oh,” Clint whispered before Loki leaned forward and kissed him, he tasted like blood and it reminded him of where he was.

 

“The bodies, tell me about the bodies,” Clint said as he pulled away.

 

“This is my mother’s childhood room, she experimented much with her abilities when she was young. I suppose it was not enough to know the future as soon as you met a person because the spell on this room dictates that only those given explicit permission to enter or even find it can enter. My mother must have given her brother access when they were both young and he then brought you here knowing that not even Heimdall could have assisted me in finding you. Because you were in the room and Freyr brought you here the summoning spell you activated by separating the emerald from the necklace worked and I was brought here. The room will also dispose of the body if the tales my mother told me as a child are true.”

 

Clint’s hand was still laying on top of Loki’s, “Why didn’t you ask your mom for permission?”

 

Loki’s face fell, Clint had never seen his face fall like that except when they talked about Sigyn.

 

“I’m so sorry, Loki,” Clint said, he couldn’t imagine how it hurt, Edith Barton had died when he was so young and it still ached.

 

“It’s not your fault,” Loki replied as he gently moved his hand away. He walked behind Clint and pulled a giant mirror from behind the headboard. Clint said nothing as Loki propped it up next to the bed. He undid all of Clint’s bindings and held his hand out for Clint to take. Clint grasped it and took one last look out of his window,  _ Frigga’s  _ window, he couldn’t imagine a little girl being satisfied with what she could see out the lone window of her room. He also wondered if those strange animals he had seen where from Vanaheim or Frigga’s.

 

They walked hand in hand through the mirror.

 

*

 

They emerged in Loki’s room on the other side and Clint almost couldn’t believe he was back.

 

“I wanna see the boys,” Clint said, it had been no time since he had met them but they were so sweet and Loki was always so happy when he was with them that it seemed right to see them.

 

Loki smiled, “I’m very glad that you have already taken such a shining to them but perhaps not quite yet.”

 

Clint looked at Loki again and then down at himself and saw blood, less so on himself but still enough that would need to be explained to a small child, “Okay, yeah, clean up first.”

 

Loki smile faded, “Agent Romanov and Captain Rogers are here, what would you have me do with them?”

 

“Oh God, not now,” Clint rubbed his face, “Bath, I wanna take a bath right now and I can deal with Nat and Steve later,” Clint wasn’t even sure he could call her Nat anymore with how badly he had hurt her. He didn’t want to think about all the times he could have told her but didn’t, he just wanted to take a bath.

 

Loki turned and they walked into the bathroom connected to the bedroom, Clint peeled out of his clothes as Loki filled the tub that could more than comfortably fit both of them but was never used for that purpose before.

 

“Hey, can I ask for something?”   
  
“After this ordeal? I suppose,” Loki was smiling, he had smiled a lot since he had come into his mother’s room to save Clint and Clint really liked it.

 

“Do you know what butterfly weeds are?” Clint had a vivid memory of the last autumn before joining the circus when he was lying in a patch of butterfly weeds in the backyard of one of the many foster parents he had run away from. It had been his first day there and he usually waited until nightfall to run away so he was waiting among the field of flowers they had. They had had so many butterfly weeds and they had lived up to their name because the longer Clint had rested among the patch of flowers the more butterflies flew down. He had been so entranced and it had been near sundown before he knew it.

 

For some reason, Clint wanted that again, wanted to be surrounded by butterfly weeds again and he explained that to Loki.

 

“Like this?” He asked as he opened his hand to show a grouping of small orange flowers, there was something off about them, more feral if such a word could be used to describe a flower, “We have a similar flower to what you described on Asgard, I hope that will suffice because I have not seen the flower you spoke of during any of my visit to Midgard.”

 

Clint laughed, “It’s perfect, actually. I want a bunch around the bath with candles and bubbles, please.”

 

Loki did so without question, undressed in a flurry of golden magic and they both entered the bath.

 

The foamy bubbles made the water look pink instead of red like the blood staining their skin.

 

“I will have to craft you a new necklace,” Loki said aloud.

 

“Yeah, that had been a lifesaver,” Clint replied as he scrubbed at himself while carefully avoiding his hearing aids, “Hey, do you think you could fix these?” Clint pointed to his ears.

 

Loki hummed, “Perhaps, I should hand it over to one of the healers, they may have an easier time than I would.”

 

“Alright,” Clint sighed and removed the one that was making the noise. He finished washing up amidst the peaceful silence and they exited once they were both clean. They weren’t touching but Clint still felt connected as he dried himself off, he felt desire begin to bubble up inside of him.

 

“I want you,” Loki said confirming that Clint was not alone in his feelings.

 

Clint turned to face Loki, “Then have me; I’m yours,” Clint dropped his towel to the floor and waited.

 

Loki didn’t disappoint, those words caused him to surge forward and kiss him deeply as he lifted Clint to carry him to the bed. Clint’s eyes were shut but he felt one of Loki’s hands move to cradle his face, he was carrying Clint with only one arm and it made him groan against his lips. 

 

When he laid Clint on the bed he chuckled, “I thought I would lose you too, after all that has been taken from me.”

 

Clint pulled him down so that their bodies were pushed together, Clint shivered at Loki’s slightly lower body temperature and replied, “I’m here, Loki,” Clint wasn’t sure what else to say so he kept repeating it until Loki kissed his neck and Clint just moaned his name.

 

Loki laughed again softly and nipped at Clint’s shoulder, “Sing for me.”

 

And Clint moaned louder when Loki wrapped his hand around both of them and tugged once. Clint wanted Loki  _ in  _ him but couldn’t vocalize it, it felt so good to be touched and kissed after their time apart. Clint would fall apart after a few more strokes if Loki continued but Loki pulled his hand away to grab a bottle. Loki smeared it over his one hand and started up again.

 

“Look at you,” Loki cooed, “You’re gonna come for me, aren’t you?”

 

“Yes,” Clint whimpered, “Yes, fuck, yes.”

 

Loki twisted his wrist and grunted when he felt Clint’s pre-come on his fingers, “So beautiful.”

 

Clint reached up, twisted his fingers in Loki’s hair and kissed him. It felt perfect, the warm, wet slide of lube and pre-come between their two cocks. Loki was warmer now but he was still cooler than Clint and it felt nice, he wasn’t overheating in his lust. Loki swiped his thumb over the head of Clint’s cock and Clint pulsated once, twice under Loki’s thumb. If Loki were human Clint would have lifted him up off the bed with his hips as Clint thrusted upwards furiously.

 

Loki looked down at Clint in ecstasy and came himself not even moments after. The strips of his come covered Clint’s stomach and chest with Clint’s making a sticky mess out of his crotch. He shook his head and laughed in disbelief, “That’s a first.”

 

“Huh?” Clint asked, shuddering as he came down from his orgasm.

 

“I’ve never found my release from seeing someone else's.” 

 

“Well, I must be very special,” Clint said jokingly.

 

“Yes, you are,” Loki replied, his voice heavy with sentiment, Loki kissed him as if he needed Clint like air.

 

When they separated Clint shook his head, “Damn, we just cleaned up.”

 

And they laughed like they had no care in the world, Clint was happy he was able to make Loki forget about what they would have to face soon if only for a few moments.     

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They needed that didn't they? I really wanted to give them some time to just be together, not among blood and guts and drama, plus they haven't fucked in a while so they def wanted to pounce on each other. 
> 
> As always this isn't beta read so all of the mistakes are my own. Feedback of all kinds is much appreciated (don't be afraid to comment I seriously won't judge they all make my day)


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha oh man this chapter was a bitch I'm tired of working on it and hating it so take it before January ends

“Let’s visit Vali and Nari first,” Clint suggested as he and Loki made their way to the dungeons. They had cleaned up  _ again  _ and clothed themselves (they looked like twins clothes wise, the same green top and dark pants, Clint had made a joke when he first put it on but liked the idea of looking like he was Loki’s) to attend to the Steve and Natasha problem, for whatever reason Clint had to deal with his shit first. Even though Thor had shown up and he and Loki apparently hadn’t a conversation yet.

 

“No, this can’t wait,” Loki responded.

 

“Neither can Thor but you’ve been avoiding him apparently,” Clint whispered bitterly.

 

Loki simply ignored him and continued to walk. Clint was not looking forward to having to explain himself to Steve and Natasha, he would rather do anything else, he almost would rather he were still kidnapped than have to look Natasha in the eyes and tell her that he was staying.

 

When they got to the bottom of the staircase that led to the dungeon Clint reached out and touched Loki’s arm, “Hey, can you stay back? They’re already gonna have a hard time believing me but with you around it’ll be impossible.”

 

Loki raised his eyebrow, “What would you have me do instead of accompanying you?”

 

“Can you just stay here?” Clint sighed, “I have a feeling this isn’t going to be that long of a conversation.”

 

“You know the way,” Loki gestured forward and Clint nodded.

 

The last time he had done this walk he had been petrified of who he would face, he had been sure that his mind had made Loki up and that when he faced the real living breathing Loki he would shatter the illusion Clint had built up for himself. That hadn’t been the case and Clint had been lucky, now he was sure that the horror and shame he felt would not only be confirmed during the meeting but amplified. That certainty was why he hesitated for a few moments before letting himself come into Natasha’s view.    

 

“Clint?” She whispered when he was clearly in view. She and Steve had been sitting together but when she saw him she leaped to her feet and walked as close as possible to the forcefield. 

 

He smiled, “You brought Cap with you.” It was a shitty way to start the conversation but he didn’t know what else to say and he didn’t want to talk about the actual reason she was in a cell and he was wearing Asgardian clothes fashioned in Loki’s colors.

 

She looked back as she if had forgotten he was even there, “Yes, this isn’t the type of mission I wanted to go into alone.”

 

Clint nodded, it made sense and it would probably actually be easier for him to send her home with Steve also present.

 

“I owe you an explanation,” Clint started nervously.

 

“Yes, you really do,” Natasha said, she was trying to make eye contact but he couldn’t bear it. 

 

“Firstly, I’m staying here.” He tried to ignore the tiny shocked intake of breath he heard, he wondered how genuine it was or if she was just trying to make him feel guilty, it was working either way.

 

“Barton, do you want to look at us when we’re talking to you,” Steve said in his gentle but stern voice, his Captain America voice.

 

“They’re green*, like always,” Clint said looking up at both of them, “It doesn’t change anything. I’m still staying.”

 

Steve whispered something to Natasha and she looked grim but determined. 

 

“Maybe it’s not the tesseract but–”   
  
Clint interrupted Steve and turned back to Natasha, “You remember what I said to you after you hit me over the head don’t you?” She nodded solemnly in acknowledgment, “I wasn’t unmade and then put back in the right order by you, I’m not the same person that I was before Manhattan, I’ll never be that Clint again. The pieces are different, the whole is different, I was unmade and rebuilt and I’m just not the same.” 

 

“That doesn’t mean you should be  _ here  _ and stay with Loki, Clint, I believe you but you should come home so we can understand what’s happened together.”    

 

Clint frowned, they didn’t understand so he tried again, “That month that I lost wasn’t because of my hearing aids,” He took a deep breathe and focused on the fact that even if she hated him after all this at least he had finally told her, “It was because I had thought Loki had died. The place you visited me in last night were my dreams, uh, a little while after Manhattan happened I started praying to Loki. One night, he answered.”

 

It hurt to say it aloud to someone that he trusts to someone that trusted him, “After that almost every night we would talk in my dreams, I thought I was crazy at first or imagining it to stay sane, and, well, you know I’m not, you saw how Loki and I are connected.”

 

She went to say something but Clint hurried on, “I’ll never be the person I was before Manhattan but I could be that shell of a person I was back up until I came here and I can’t go back for that reason. If you still trust me, you’ll respect that.”   
  
At some point, he had started to stare at his hands and when he looked back up Natasha looked closed off, now he really felt guilty because she had to be in a lot of pain over this. She was going to go home empty-handed and knowing that she could do nothing to ‘save’ him.

 

She nodded once and turned away from him, Steve looked between the two of them before going to Natasha’s side.

 

Clint would let Steve console her, it wasn’t his job anymore, it had never really been his job.

 

Clint walked back to Loki, he was distraught but he put on a smile and said, “Your turn.”

 

*

 

Clint tried to ignore how much it hurt when Loki turned to a guard and told him to escort Steve and Natasha away to Heimdall. 

 

“I hope they head your words,” Loki said, “Because I will not be so kind to them if they return.”   
  
Clint didn’t correct his ‘if’ to a when, he knew they would try to come back or contact him and Loki but the next time with SHIELD in tow.

 

*

 

Clint wasn’t sure where Loki was leading him to, it started off familiar but then veered off into unfamiliar hallways and staircases.

 

Loki paused before a door not unlike his own and Clint was surprised at that show of hesitation. Clint didn’t think that Loki would be that nervous about talking to Thor, he wanted to say something encouraging but Loki gathered himself and knocked without Clint having to say anything.   

 

Thor opened the door and beamed widely once he saw Clint.

 

“I’m here to talk,” Loki said and Thor moved aside to let them both in.

 

Clint looked around the room, the foundation of the room was similar to Loki’s but they couldn’t have ever been confused for each other. 

 

“I do not intend to step down,” Loki said, Clint noted how rigid he was as if he were expecting a blow at any moment. 

 

“I was not going to ask that of you. I, uh, actually told Father that you knew more about the necessity to be a king. I have… maturing to do, as do you and,” The tension was suffocating Clint, “I wish to see Father.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *So apparently Jeremey Renner has green eyes, I mean I wouldn't really call them green–I actually don't know what I would call them, so green they shall be.
> 
> Sorry for the long pause between chapters, it was mostly because I was just really stuck on this chapter over the end of my break and then I didn't have time once I got back on to campus last week, anyway I'm in a lot of really intense classes (and extracurriculars) this semester so I hope that I'll be able to do at least two updates a month. I just don't know esp because one of the classes I'm taking is a creative writing course so it'll be hard to juggle a bunch of stories. :/ This fic isn't on hiatus though! And it certainly isn't being abandoned I'm still working on it, it's just not gonna be like last month where I tried to update multiple times in one week.
> 
> Anyway as always this fic is not beta read and all mistakes are my own. Feedback is very welcome


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's good to be back :)

Clint's eyes widened and he glanced at Loki quickly before looking back at Thor. Loki looked frozen.

 

“Is there a problem, brother?” Thor asked, fear evident in his eyes.

 

“I think you just shocked him,” Clint put his hand on Loki’s bicep.

 

Thor looked quickly from Loki to Clint and back again, “‘Shocked him’ for what reason? He should know where our Father is.”

 

“No, I do not. He left and I did not follow,” Loki said softly, his fists were clenched tightly.

 

“ _ You _ did not think to follow? Why?” Thor asked in horror before a deep frown set into his face, Clint had never seen him look like that before, “Oh, brother, I have begun to understand you too well. You did not follow because you had what you wanted from Father, the throne. Maturing, we both have so much maturing to do.”

 

Thor turned from them slowly and shook his head.

 

“Don’t use that  _ tone  _ wit–” Clint grabbed Loki’s arm before he could continue. They had just gotten really lucky that Thor thought so little of his brother that he didn’t question why Loki didn’t know where Odin was and Loki was going to push it because he couldn’t even the thought that Thor was looking down at him.

 

“Let’s just leave,” Clint whispered softly.

 

“Yes,” Loki sighed, brought his free hand to his face and pinched his nose, it was such a human and vulnerable action, “yes, let’s go.”

 

Clint slipped his hand down Loki’s arm to interlock their fingers and they walked to the door but not before Thor said, “I’m going leave in the morrow to find Father. If you have any idea as to where he may have gone, tell me.”

 

Loki said flatly, “I do not have a clue, Thor.”

 

Thor didn’t speak for a second in which Clint assumed he must have nodded, “Can I talk to Barton privately?”

 

Clint felt frozen for a moment, he hadn’t talked to Thor since he had told him Loki was dead. 

 

Loki squeezed his hand, “No it’s ok, Lo.”

 

He heard Loki chuckle lightly at the nickname before he leaned close to Clint’s ear, “I’ll be right outside this door.”

 

“Yeah, no, of course, I’ll be fine.”

 

Loki shut the door behind him before Clint gathered the courage to turn and look at Thor. 

 

“Hey, long time no see.”

 

Thor stared at him the same way he used to, like he wanted to apologize but he couldn’t find the words.

 

“Have you been well?” Every word was very measured.

 

“Yeah, I’ve been great. I can hear again with my hearing aids but I know what this is about I just talked to Steve and Natasha and I promise you that I’m ok, I want to be here.” It came out as word vomit so Thor wouldn’t get anything in before he finished.  

 

“Hmm, I will trust you and what you choose to do, my friend. Although I do have a question for you.”

 

Clint narrowed his eyes, he couldn’t imagine Thor would want to know any of the sordid details of a relationship his brother was in so he didn’t know what he would ask, “My brother lies to me more frequently than to anyone, I have no reason to believe he spoke any truth just a moment ago. As a friend and comrade in arms is there anything that you know that Loki has not told me.”

 

Clint thought of the spell on Thor that kept him away from Asgard and the fact that if he left he would be going on a wild goose chase to find Odin when he died some time ago and Clint scrunched his face up like he was thinking, “No, I don’t think so. He doesn’t really talk about family all that often unless it’s about his kids.” 

 

Thor looked so relieved and Clint felt like a monster for the first time in a long time, “Then all may still be well for the nine realms. It had been nice speaking to you once more, my friend. I hope I will see you soon and with my father in tow.”

 

Clint nodded and took his queue to leave. Clint closed the giant heavy door behind him, Loki was waiting just like he promised. They walked for a few minutes before Clint sighed.

 

“I lied to Thor for you.”

 

“Clint–”

 

“Can we go see Vali and Nari now?” Clint whispered.

 

Loki nodded before placing his hand on the small of Clint’s back. 

 

*

“Papa! Daddy!” Nari yelled and ran full force to hug both of them. Nari pulled back from the two of them, looked at Clint, and then buried his face in Clint’s neck.

 

“I was so scared.”

 

“I’m sorry, kid.”

 

“Daddy wouldn’t stop crying and then he wouldn’t tell me what happened but then me and Vali saw you weren’t around.  _ I  _ thought you left us but Vali said Daddy wouldn’t be crying if you left us and and–”

 

Clint held him all the tighter, “It’s ok, Nari. It’s ok, I’m home now.”

 

Vali had been hanging back and Clint couldn’t let that stand, “Get over here and hug me, Vali.”

 

The small boy smiled and walked forward to Clint’s arms.

 

“The three of you are so sweet.” Clint looked up and saw Loki smiling, kids were really his soft spot. Clint smiled back and gestured for him to join them. Loki crushed the three of them to him until Vali started to giggle frantically.

 

A woman walked forward and coughed lightly, “I’m so sorry, my king, but the princes need to return to their lessons.”

 

Loki blew a raspberry into Vali’s cheek before sighing and pulling himself away, “Of course, I just wanted to reassure them.” 

 

Clint felt pretty defeated himself as he pulled himself away from the kids. He and Loki stood up and walked out. 

 

“We have much to discuss and we’ll see Vali and Nari at dinner, anyway.”

 

“Why does it feel like you’re saying that more for yourself than for me,” Clint said and glanced at Loki.

 

“Perhaps I am. Being a prince is exhausting as a child, there is so much to learn and no time to be a child,” Loki shook his head as if trying to erase the thought.

 

“Well, they know you love them. Maybe that’ll be enough.” 

 

Loki scoffed sadly, “Let us hope so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha what do you mean I haven't updated in almost two months. God, I've been so busy and right now I'm on spring break so I finally have some time to write, I'm gonna keep writing this, of course, we still have a few different plot points I wanna get to. Also, my birthday was a few days ago (3/17) and I wanted to post then but ended being busy the days leading up to and on my birthday. I hope you enjoyed this kinda breather chapter with the kiddos.
> 
> All feedback is welcome! This is not beta read so all mistakes are my own.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An update? In this economy?

They had dinner and saw Vali and Nari off to their first historical magic class.

 

Clint watched the servants take all the dishes away and sighed. He knew he had been fidgeting the entire meal. The boys had noticed and had to be smoothed over and over that all was well.

 

“We need to speak privately,” Loki said softly to break Clint out of his slight trance. 

 

“Yeah, okay, lead the way,” Clint replied. He stood from his chair and placed his hand on Loki’s arm. 

 

It was a room Clint had never seen before but Clint supposed that shouldn’t still surprise him. It was a giant palace that he had spent close to no time living in and literally no time exploring. 

 

“Vanaheim,” Loki sighed, “I know what must be done but…” 

 

“What do you mean?” Clint asked he pulled up a chair to sit in.

 

“Well, as long as I continue to hide the truth of my parentage once Njörðr passes Vali or Nari are next in line for the throne.”

 

“That way they both have a throne of their own and won’t fight for Asgard.”

 

“Precisely!” Loki exclaimed before turning away, “But Njörðr is already close to passing. When he does shouldn’t I step in?”

 

“Oh, that won’t go over well.”

 

“No, no, it will not but I would much rather bear the brunt than my son.” Loki turned and Clint gestured for him to come over.

 

Loki kneeled next to the chair Clint sat in and Clint reached to cradle his face in his hands, “It’s a herculean task but I can tell you’re already gonna go for it. Make Vanaheim yours for your son.”

 

“I should have let her live. Perhaps we could have struck up an accord, she seemed capable enough.”

 

“You’re gonna kill yourself with the ‘what if’s’,” Clint tutted before kissing Loki softly.

 

“Yes, yes, of course, you are right. Still…. What to do with Vanaheim?” He muttered, “Once Njörðr passes I will make a claim to the throne and win it. Perhaps I will put a figurehead in place until the boys become of age.”

 

Clint nodded and started to zone out. He thought about his conversation with Natasha. 

 

*

 

Natasha had been mostly silent during the debriefing with Fury so she wouldn’t scream at the top of her lungs. She needed a good long scream. Maybe she needed to leave SHIELD, nothing made sense to her anymore. When they were dismissed she left Fury’s office without looking back and didn’t eye contact with Steve.

 

She made it back to the tower and to her room amongst blissful silence, sometimes she wondered if Clint’s ability to take out his hearing aids and hear nothing wasn’t a gift that any SHIELD agent would be lucky to have. True silence away from all the voices that command you and the unspoken secrets that you can still hear.

 

She collapsed onto her bed and screamed herself hoarse after shoving her face into the pale green pillow cover. She looked at her room in Avengers Tower, she had gone out of her way to make it airy, an illusion of happiness. She felt disgusted by her own home, by its falseness, this wasn’t the home of a woman with so much blood on her hands. She needed to leave and not think for a moment. It was a dangerous desire and she shouldn’t trust anyone with it, at the very least she should never speak the words. All the same, she changed into civilian clothes and walked purposefully to the elevator before nearly punching the number of Steve’s floor. She met Steve with a smile when she exited onto his floor and saw him standing to leave.

 

“I was just going to come and see you. Nat–”

 

“Steve,” She said as she walked closer to him, “Thank you for coming with me to Asgard.”

 

“Of course,” Steve said hesitantly, “What’s our next course of action?”

 

“We go back and bring Clint home.”

 

“But what if–” Steve started. 

 

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence. We are bringing him home.” She hissed quietly. 

 

“We’re gonna need a lot more than just the two of us, Nat. And I’m not sure that Fury is gonna go for it just right now. Speaking of, I don’t know if you were listening at the end of debriefing but we have to be on a plane in a few hours–”

 

“For a mission, yes, I was listening to Nick.”

 

Steve paused for a moment before shaking his head and placing his large hands on her shoulders, “Are you alright? I gotta know. I know you won’t want to tell me but mon amour I would trust you with everything. I can only hope for a fraction of the same.”

 

Natasha worked her jaw for a moment before replying, “I’ve been worse.”

 

Steve seemed to deflate and pulled Natasha tight to his chest, “I know this isn’t what we ex–”

 

“How could he? He hated him more than any of us. Something terrible has happened.” She wasn’t crying but he was holding her tight like she was.

 

“I know.” Natasha hugged him back half-heartedly. 

 

*

 

“Clint? Clint?” Clint came back to himself suddenly.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Have you heard a single word of what I’ve said?” Loki asked, a small smiling threatening to show on his face even through his irritation.

 

“Yes, of course, I was listening.” Clint sat up straighter in his chair.

 

“No, you were not but you must be so exhausted. How careless of me,” Loki stood from where he had knelt next to Clint’s chair and offered Clint his hand. 

 

Clint took it and walked with Loki back to their room. Clint curled up in bed and felt warm and safe for the first time since before their fight as he could hear Loki writing. He forced himself to forget about Natasha, Thor, and Vanaheim just for the night. 

 

The morning light tickled his eyelids before he knew it. He stretched his limbs out and just enjoyed the freedom of it all. Clint hit something solid next to him and hissed silently in pain. He had never woken up before Loki, in fact, Clint had started to believe that maybe he never slept. He thought of waking him but instead turned to his side to watch him sleep. 

 

Loki’s peacefully sleeping face made something deep in Clint’s chest ache; he couldn’t afford to lose this peace or his new found place in Asgard. Clint rose silently from the warm bundle of sheets to the grand desk. He plunked a pen from a holder, pulled a paper from a drawer and looked at Loki’s sleeping form once more before writing a letter to Natasha. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I been trying to write this one chapter since March? Yes! Have I also been busy with college and then a summer job? Yes! Am I immensely sorry for leaving everyone hanging for sososo long. YES! I don't want to promise that I'll be better because there is always a chance I'll be busy again or go into a severe case of writer's block but I want to finish this story so badly so come hell or high water I will keep working on this.


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